10 AMAZING GIFTS TO GIVE YOUR CHILDREN- A FATHER'S PERSPECTIVE, PART 4

From Stephen:

Well, here we are finishing up our series for dads with my last two gifts for your children. You can read the first 8 in Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3. We'd love to see you over on our Facebook page too!

9. Don't Succumb To the Spirit of the Age 

As Jesus prayed for his disciples (and for us!) he stated that they/we are "sent into the world" but are "not of this world". What did he mean? In his letter to the Romans, Paul encourages believers to 

not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Romans 12:2 NIV)

For all of us who have said "yes" to Jesus, we have become "new creations," and the old has passed away, and we are living in his abundant new life. We are hidden in Christ, we sit with him in heavenly places and he lives in us. He has given us a new nature, and we can boldly approach the throne of grace. All of this is for today and now, and his joy and peace are ours now.

Still, while we live in this world, we are all very aware of the fact that we are surrounded by subtle and glaring ungodliness. The obvious sin and ungodliness is easier to confront because it is so in-your-face. It is the subtle worldliness that is insidious and creeps into our thoughts and world views. Here are a few "spirits of the age" that we tend to combat in our home:

"It's all about me"--The selfish Me-Monster is an ugly yet prevalent attitude that we all battle in ourselves and in our children. Kindling an unselfish attitude and spirit in your child will engender such maturity in him and set him apart from most. While we want our children to be self-confident, we don't want them to be self-absorbed and self-focused. As parents we must not create a culture founded on the desire to assure our children's pleasure at any cost. Our goal is not that our children are constantly pleased and entertained. If it is, we are forming an unhealthy and ultimately destructive world view for them. If only experiencing pleasurable feelings is okay for our children, the result will be a selfish and self absorbed mindset.

How do you battle the Me-Monster? Here are some ideas: Have them help others--volunteering at church, homeless shelters, neighbors in need, yard work or house cleaning/organizing for someone else. 
Find times to work at a family project--help a family in need, use some of your Christmas gift money for others. 
Create opportunities where they are having to think of others and give of themselves for other's benefit. Be creative!

"You owe me"--Ungratefulness and an entitlement attitude really get under my skin. If you're like me there are some worldly attitudes that really get your goat, and this is the one that pushes my button. This attitude is rooted in selfishness, so set the thermostat to "Thankfulness" and "Gratitude" in your home. Seed the atmosphere of your family with thanksgiving and gratefulness. Don't be afraid to call this attitude for what it is and snuff it out quickly.

"I'm glad believing in Jesus works for you, but…"--Everything you do and believe is okay, and everything I do and believe is just as fine. This one can be tricky, because we don't want to be heavy handed, controlling or legalistic, but there is an absolute truth that the Scriptures proclaim, and we do want our children to walk into the spiritual inheritance that is theirs. So it means helping them discern that everything, every thought pattern, every value system is not okay. This really comes to the forefront in adolescence and later teen years, especially when they begin exploring the world on their own. Coming home from college after living on their own and seeing how the world lives can be a challenge. The most important thing is to love, love, love. Maintaining your connection with your child while affirming their true identity in Christ in love will bring you through.

I'm sure you can think of many other examples of the spirit of this world subtly or aggressively challenging us in our families. Stand strong, and as always stand, speak and act in love.

10. Give Your Children a Father's Blessing 

As their father, your words have enormous power. Use them to give life to your children. Day in and day out we can speak encouragement to them. We can "catch" them doing well, notice it, and speak out our affirmation. Doing this hundreds of times over builds such self confidence and self assurance in them. I'm not talking about overindulgence or "blowing sunshine up their noses", but accurately noticing and affirming their good choices and actions is a powerful tool in a father's tool chest.

Give them a written and spoken blessing. When your child is older, at some meaningful point in their adolescence, take time to formally bless them. Be creative--you might consider having a formal ceremony with family and friends in which you recognize who your child is in the Lord and formally pronounce your father's blessing over their lives. This is a great time for you to ask the Lord for specific scriptures, words and direction for them. Your children have a spiritual inheritance in the Lord, and your written and spoken blessing over their lives helps release this inheritance for them. Take a page from the Old Testament patriarchs; see how they blessed their children to help launch them into their destiny. In our nanosecond digital age, actually putting pen to paper and writing words of blessing and encouragement to your child can be very powerful. So dads, pick up your pens and start blessing your children.

I hope you've found these gifts useful and life giving. As fathers, our plates always seem to be full to overflowing, so I don't want these ideas to be a burden or a source of guilt. Rather, let them be a springboard for you to bring life and freedom to your children and your family.

10 AMAZING GIFTS TO GIVE YOUR CHILDREN- A FATHER'S VIEW, PART 2

From Stephen:

Ok dads, who's in the mood for some more gift giving? To catch up with us, check out Part 1 when you have a moment. Let's start the year off with bang, and this next gift for your kids is a huge one, especially important in the current prevailing gender-neutral cultural atmosphere.

3. Take Your Leadership & Authority Role in Your Family

Surveys have shown that many men feel inadequate in their fathering role. Some have expressed that they even feel as if they were an impostor, having to pretend to be someone they are not. This feeling of inadequacy can impair your impact and effectiveness as a father to your children, adopted or biological. In one survey, only 1/3 of fathers "strongly agreed" that they had the necessary knowledge & skills to be a good father. This goes to the foundational questions that we (men & boys) all have: "Do I have what it takes?" In this case, do I have what it takes to really be a good father to these children living in my home? 

The answer, of course, is a resounding YES!

When you adopted your children or when your wife gave birth, God placed a mantle of authority on your life to be their father, to lead them, to guide them, to comfort them and to provide for them. He called you to this place, and those He calls, He equips. He will not leave you stranded or on your own to live out this role of father, but from the riches of heaven He will pour out all you need for every child in every different circumstance, because He has called you to this role. He, Father God Himself, has placed this mantle of authority and leadership on your life, whether you feel adequate or not. In fact, if you are feeling a bit weak and inadequate, you're not in a bad spot...

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

The wonderful thing about God is that He uses us as we are, in all our strengths and weaknesses. When we speak of taking the role of leadership and authority in your family, some may have the idea that they are now going to have to become a larger-than-life, commanding figure. Not at all! This mantle of God-given authority is for all personality types and all types of people, from the quiet deferential type who is more likely to follow rather that lead, to the decisive, high leadership gifting type who can naturally lead a crowd. If you are more naturally a follower than a leader, that's just fine-- God will use you in your own skin to lead your family. You don't have to have all the answers or all the ideas for your family--that's one of the reasons God gave us marriage. Your wife may have more natural leadership gifting or more creative ideas, and that's great. Get together, talk out the plan for your kids and for your family, but do not abdicate your authority and leadership role to your wife. You must step into this fatherly role, for if you shrink back and force your wife into it, it will create endless frustration for her and then in turn for you and your family. 

Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen. (Hebrews 13:20-21)

4. Get Into Their World and Develop Deep Relationships

As fathers, we typically have many competing pressures for our time and attention. We have our wives, our work, our involvement at church, our own interests, hobbies or sport, not to mention those little people, our children. Depending on the season of life you are in and your own personality and temperament, it can be challenging to find to find enough time to invest in your children's lives on a daily basis. For all children, especially our adopted children, a true, deep, and connected relationship with their father has a tremendous impact on their lives and understanding of who they really are. 

Many adopted children struggle with identity issues.They struggle with the question, "Who am I really?" Parents have an amazing influence and ability to help define who their children are. Fathers, especially, have the power to define and validate their child. Moms are most often the place of mercy and tenderness and they are often where our kids run  with physical or emotional hurts, whereas Dads are often the font of validation for their children. Now these roles are shared with you and your wife, but don't ever underestimate the power you have as a father to define and validate who your child is. It goes back to the mantle of authority God gave us when He called us to adopt. By getting into your child's world and developing a deep relationship with him or her, you open wide the door of positive influence and impact you have on your child's life.

Having seven children, I've found that with some of my kids I instantly and naturally connect with them, while with some, especially during some seasons of their life, I've had to be more intentional at making and maintaining those deep connections. I think that's pretty normal, so don't be discouraged if at times you feel like you're not really connecting with your child. Keep pressing in, and ask The Lord for new and creative ways to connect.

By having those real relationships with your children, you can answer the foundational question that your son and daughter have. For our daughters, 

Am I worth fighting for? Do you see me?Do you think I'm lovely?

And for our sons,

Do I have what it takes?Am I strong enough, powerful enough, smart enough?

In truly connected relationships, we dads find a thousand ways to answer these foundational questions in a positive and encouraging manner.

Let's Get Practical:

For some of us, and for some of our children, these relationships will happen so naturally without any apparent work on our part, but for others it may seem like a lot of work. So let's talk about a few practical suggestions. I'm sure you'll come up with many more and we'd appreciate you sharing them with us in the comments. 

For our girls, pursue her heart. What does she love? What interests her? Go there! If she loves to play pretend, then pretend with the best of them. Have a pretend tea party, play pretend house, go on walks and tell her great pretend stories full of pretend characters who have new adventures each day. One such character that my girls still talk about is Racilla, the garden fairy that made her home in the foxglove flowers and went on grand adventures. 

As they get older, take them on a Date with Daddy. Make it special. We dads want to model how a real man acts so that when they are older, they won't be fooled by some joker. 

Go to their events, not just the performances or games, but find a way to take them to and perhaps even be involved in the practices and rehearsals. 

And all the while, in subtle and direct ways, repeatedly answer her foundational question with, "Yes, my daughter, you are lovely and wonderful, and I'd go a thousand miles to see you!"

Also for our sons, get into their world. Look for your son's interests and engage him there. Is it sports, chess, music, outdoor adventures? Make intentional efforts to spend time with him and connect with him. Think back about your relationship with your father--what did you crave from him? How did you two connect? You can certainly start with some of those activities. For me, I loved it when my dad would ask me if I wanted to go throw the football with him. He'd throw me long bombs, and I'd do my best to catch them. Sometimes he'd pretend we were in a real football game and he'd be throwing me the game winning pass and we'd celebrate together if I caught it. He'd also always come to my swim meets. I have a distinct memory of seeing him on the side of the pool, realizing he had taken time off work to see my mid-afternoon race. It reinforced that he was for me and loved to see me succeed. 

Some of the connection points I've had with my sons include weekends away just with dad, one son at a time. For me and for them, those one-on-one weekends have brought great memories and great connection points. All our boys played baseball when they were young, and we'd all enjoy playing catch and batting after dinner in the summer. 

It's great to "catch" your son doing well and affirm him in his success. As with your daughter, look for hundreds of ways to tell him, "Yes, son you do have what it takes!"

Appropriate physical touch is also huge in developing your relationship with your children. I remember spending lots of time wrestling with my newly adopted son. He loved challenging dad, and that physical touch was very helpful in connecting with him. One of my favorite games as a dad was jumping on top of my sons to get them out of bed when they were major sleepy heads. They protested, but loved every minute of it. Regular, appropriate hugs and kisses for your daughters are so great for them and for you. Snuggling with them in front of the fire, tv, and especially for a bedtime story is invaluable.

As fathers, we have to invest time in our relationships with our children, biological and adopted. And I guarantee that all the time you spend with your children will pay off in great dividends, because you will have one of the most valuable things there is, a fantastic relationship with your child that will bring you both great happiness and satisfaction.

Stay tuned for more gift ideas as Stephen completes his list in the next few posts. Ready to read Part 3?

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HEARING FROM STEPHEN

Here is another re-post from earlier in our Hope at Home blog history.

What is my child's identity in Christ?

An Adoptive Father's Perspective-- Stephen Templeton

Who is your child in Christ?

What is your child’s identity in Christ?

Who has God called your child to be?

What is the call of God on your child’s life?

When God looks at your sons and daughters, who does he see?

What potential is there in them?

What has the Lord revealed to you about their hearts, their gifts, their destiny in Christ?

Wow! These are pretty big and heady questions that can be quite intimidating for us dads (and moms). Can I really know the answers to some of these foundational questions about my child? Would God really reveal to me who my child is, how He sees my child, what His plan, destiny and desire is for my child?

The answer, of course, is a resounding YES!

Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

The Lord has placed the mantle of “father” and “mother” on each of us parents. When He called us to have children, through adoption or birth, he placed that awesome authority on our lives to guide, inspire, love and instruct our children. One of the foundational aspects of this calling is seeking Him for our child’s identity in Christ and then using this understanding and revelation from the Father to guide our parenting of each individual child.

Ephesians 1:18-19

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.

In view of this mantle of authority God has placed on us for our children, it is clear that He is so eager to have our eyes opened and enlightened, to know our children and the hope to which He has called each one. This identity and inheritance is something that the Lord wants to share with us so that we can help our children grasp, understand and renew their minds according to their identity in Him.

How do we know our child’s identity in Christ?-- First and foremost- go to Him, seek Him, spend time in prayer actively asking the Lord to show you how He sees your child. He will be faithful to share His heart for your child with you. If you have Christian friends, a youth pastor, Sunday School teacher, or a pastor that you trust, ask them what they see in your child. Share with them that you are asking the Lord to reveal to you a greater understanding of your child’s identity in Christ. And then ask for their input. Write all these things down, especially any specific words of knowledge, or reliable prophetic words received from trustworthy people. Keep a record of these- they are invaluable and can act as spiritual weapons for you and your child as they grow. But remember, God Himself has given you the spiritual authority to parent your child, so test any input you receive from others according to the scriptures and what the Lord is saying to you.

Go to Him- I can’t wait to hear what He will tell you about each of your children!

Next time we’ll talk about how this knowledge of your child’s identity in Christ helps guide your parenting.