FOREVER FAMILY

When we read this post from our friend Kate at One Flesh Marriage we asked if we could share it here. She and her husband, Brad, will be at Hope at Home 2012 sharing on marriage and transracial adoption. Can't wait!!

Today we want to share a little different side of our story! The story of a journey. A journey to find our son!

1 year of waiting, and 16-hours of traveling, and 1/2 way around the world on a plane . . . we were finally here at the start of our Forever Family!

We enter the locked, guarded compound and our eyes were immediately drawn to a group of precious children playing in a circle with a ball. 

Was he there? Would we see him for the first time? 

It was incredibly over stimulating and made me light-headed. Brad and I looked, hand in hand, searching--and yet no one quite looked like him. Then a nanny called to us and said “Come, your son is inside.”

My heart sped up, tears pooled in my eyes; he was close and we were going to get to see him. Would he be shy? Happy? Or completely confused and upset at these new people wanting to hold and love on him? We were ready to give him the time he needed to warm up to us. His Daddy had a pocket full of race cars for that purpose. What little boy doesn’t love cars?

We followed the nanny down a dark hallway leading to a bunch of rooms lined with bunk beds. The next thing we heard was the nanny saying,

 “This is your Mommy and Daddy!” 

Around the corner bounded a huge pair of brown eyes and the most brilliant smile--belonging to our son!  He leapt from the nanny’s arms into mine, shouting “MOMMY!” and embracing me with all this tiny might! Not all first meetings are this way, but for us this is how it happened and it will forever be a treasured memory.

Words cannot express that moment. Even now as I sit here sharing with you all, tears are running down my face. It was just like the first moment we held our biological son and daughter in our arms. This little boy was our son. He is also the son of a beautiful family in Ethiopia. We don’t take that lightly. We are proud to share this little boy with his biological family. They are a part of our family as well. We have been given this time with our son as a precious gift.

The Real Journey Begins

As we left this beautiful land and embarked on our journey home we knew we would face tough times, but we were overjoyed and on cloud nine. Not long after arriving home and uniting all of our family, difficult times came. Unique challenges of introducing a new member into the family who already has a personality, but doesn't speak a word of English. Not unlike the first night a newborn screams ALL night long, we recognized that as parents we don’t always know what to do. Even with all the books, education and training, we didn't know how to handle these challenges. There has been an immeasurable joy, but also great confusion and frustration.

Many times families going through the journey of adoption feel lost. They don't know where to turn, where to go for help or guidance!

What If...

What if there was an adoption conference that sought to share wisdom and experiences with adoptive parents? But what if it didn’t stop there? What if the conference also took time for parents to seek out the Holy Spirit so that He can lead them in their journey? What if there was a place that parents still waiting for children or who already have them home could come together to seek God's will for their families?

Hope at Home 2012 is just that place! An adoption conference where parents can not only find information, but find comfort in time with the Holy Spirit, learning to seek God in new ways as they lay their burdens and troubles on Him, and find His abundant guidance as they make this journey together.

Hope At Home

Good information as well as seeking the Holy Spirit? I don’t know about you, but that sounds awesome to me! Brad and I are so excited to share with you the Hope at Home Conference 2012. We were excited to be attending this conference, and thrilled that they asked us to present two of the break-out sessions. 

We are honored to be presenting session on marriage. Adoption Through the Eyes of Marriage, and one on transracial adoption, The Joys of Godly Diversity. Good friends, Scott and Jenni Means from Journey to Surrender ,will be presenting A Marriage Made in Heaven and Helping Your Child Hear and Experience God. These are just 4 of the many awesome seminars planned for October 5th & 6th, 2012. To read more of the details, including the other breakout topics and speakers, click HERE.

God Has A Plan!

God has a plan and a purpose for our time with our kids. We need to remember that God has given us all we need for parenting in His Word and His Spirit! We only need to ask and draw near to Him. Is it always that easy? Well it certainly is the best place to start. Books, experts--we often try them first and then go to God only in desperation. Seeking Him is the place to start!

Children, adopted or biological, are a gift and a product of our marriage relationship. They are to add to it (yes, they add stress too!) and then we allow and encourage them to take flight on their own, pursuing God with all of their hearts. Children are not our hope in life, no matter how much we desire them--God is our hope. Brad and I have learned some of these lessons the hard way. That is why we are so thankful for God’s renewing our hearts.

Join Us!

Watch the conference video below and if you are an adoptive or waiting parent, please consider joining us. I am excited to see what God has in store. When we draw near to God, he draws near to us. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask.

Spread The Word

Would you help us spread the word about Hope at Home 2012 by sharing on your Facebook page, Twitter, email and word of mouth? If you know adoptive parents, please share with them.

A PREGNANCY OF THE HEART

Nicol has been in love with Jesus Christ for 31 years, and married to her best friend and love of her life Thomas Crickett for 8 glorious years that haven’t come without their trials and hardships. A mother for 5 years to the best two children in the whole world, Nicol, has experienced the great lows of infertility, financial ruin, death of parents, her husband going through heart failure resulting in receiving a pace maker, to awesome highs, the highest of which is the adoption of her two children. She is blessed to have a family full of color and difference. To date they have adopted two children from South Africa, Noa-Joy their daughter who is African and is six years old, and their son Elijah who is 3 years old and is of mixed race, with many more still in their hearts.

With the sense of wonder of what finding your purpose can do for you, she moved with her family from South Africa to the UK in 2010 where they hold creative workshops and are in the process of starting a church and a creative college to help people find their purpose so they to can set the world on fire.

“ Not flesh of my flesh or bone of my bone,

But still miraculously my own.

Never forget not for a minute it was not under my

Heart you grew but in it.”

Before we adopted I can remember the struggles of longing for a child of my own, not understanding how I was going to get through all of this and feeling so desperate. I began to search for answers from My God who I love and depend on for everything. It was out of this that He answered me with the scripture from Isaiah 58 – I was to become a repairer of broken walls. I felt like my oversized heart had found what it was made for and I was filled with joy. From this scripture our process of adoption began. It was not an easy road we traveled; it was filled with a lot of uncertainty and fear of the unknown. Hence more searching continued with God and His wonderful scriptures and it is what led me  to where I am today. It gave me strength to carry on, the hope to know that God was in control when I was not. But the most important answer I received was that I was a partner in this process-- I held a vital role. I was not waiting to be a mother. No, I was a mother already and I had things to do. He turned my mourning into joy and my prayer is that you too can be encouraged and strengthened in your journey with God and your process of adoption.

I found that in the Bible, the heart is the center of man, wherein is found his fullest being. It is in the heart that all our thoughts and desires have their origin. When God speaks to us, He speaks to our hearts. It is in this place where God whispers "Adoption"; it is here where God in His infinite wisdom plants the seed and here where we must nurture the seed until fruition.

No Ordinary Love:

This is no ordinary love which we had embarked upon. It is a wonderful blessing straight from heaven and it is heaven who guided us through the how and when, with its' full protection. 

This extraordinary love is a pregnancy of the heart, where you choose to partner with Heaven, uniting your heart with the heart of Jesus. For the heart of the Father is that all may know the love of God, and to know Him as father. It is in the heart of God to adopt-- we know this because He firsts adopts us and then He asks us to become just like Him, to love our neighbor as ourselves. He asked me to love His child, one He chose to give me as my very own.

Conception Took Place in Our Hearts:

Since we now knew that conception had taken place in our hearts when we chose to adopt we could only think of our process to adopt from now on as a heart pregnancy between our heavenly father and us. 

Tears fill my eyes every time I think upon these heavenly thoughts. I am always overwhelmed by the awesome love of my Father for me. I am overwhelmed by His choice of me to mother these heaven-sent children. Where the world says I cannot be a mother, my God says I can.  I am overwhelmed by the grace of God who equips me to lead this wonderfully privileged life and I am filled with His glory as my heart swells with His goodness in my life. I glow, for my heart is pregnant.

It is no wonder that God is deeply concerned with our Hearts for out of it overflows life.

Partnership Begins:

One of the most wonderful things I found out while searching for answers for adoption was that this all-powerful, all-knowing King-of-all-Kings God chooses to partner with me in every detail of my life! He is intimately concerned with all my wants and needs, and having a child is no exception. I learnt that in this partnership, as with any other, there are things I need to do and there are things He must do. I found out that it was not my job to worry about if He had done His things. No, it was my job to do all that was asked of me and my most important part to play in this partnership was to choose to trust in Him and His ways. To trust that in His time He would finish the work He started when He whispered adoption into my heart.

This was a wonderful truth for me to grasp-- that my heart was in partnership with God and it was the place where my child would be held. I was not alone. From a place of feeling completely out of control I suddenly became a doing partner. I felt free and equipped to start my journey as a mother, who now has had two successful heart pregnancies.

Proverbs 4:23

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

Interior Design:

I knew that with my heart at the center of this decision to adopt, I needed to guard my heart for out of it new life was coming. I could not afford to have certain hurts or offenses inside my heart any longer. The scriptures say in Proverbs 14:30, "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." I knew that this was how God chose to give me my baby-- I had settled on that. So I no longer needed to be envious of how other people received theirs. I knew I wanted peace to rule my heart and my baby’s new home. So I chose the shade of peace to color the walls and fill the room and threw out envy. It was so last season and it would not do anymore! I kept telling myself my heart was getting ready for a new arrival. It was okay to feel uncomfortable and scared of the unknown, even a little emotional at times. But I kept encouraging myself to push forward and fill my heart with good things for myself and my child who was growing inside of my heart. For the scriptures say in Luke 6:45

"The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart." 

Thinking of my heart as a place I was housing my child gave me power to choose what it was going to look like.

I could choose empty battered and bruised OR I could partner with my heavenly father who is Unconditional Love and allow Him to fill my heart with shades of love, peace and joy.

For me this was a better look. I chose the heart filled with love, peace and joy and over time, along with the faithfulness of God, I allowed Him to heal my heart. It started looking and feeling more like a place I was proud for my child to grow in. 

SHAMELESS PERSISTENCE

Would you like to hear some of the wonderful sessions from our HOPE AT HOME 2011 Conference? Click HERE to listen. We will be posting more of the breakout sessions later in the month. 

We are pleased to share some thoughts from Tara Dunn, who along with her husband attended HOPE AT HOME 2011. Tara is an associate director at the University of Georgia Wesley Foundation.  She and her husband, John, have a son, Jace Kenesa, who is currently in Ethiopia. They are praying for the clearance needed to bring him home very soon! To watch this beautiful story of bringing a son home follow them on their blog.


Never with Passivity

There is a phrase we often use in the church when we pray that I have come to cringe when I hear: “…if it’s Your will, Lord.” Now I know what you’re thinking: “What’s wrong with that?! Shouldn’t we pray with humility and desire God’s will alone?” And the answer is yes. When Jesus taught His disciples to pray, He taught them to ask for the Father’s will to be done, on earth as it is in heaven. And yet, Jesus never taught His disciples—or us—to pray with passivity and a lack of faith; sadly, this is so often what this phrase becomes an expression of instead of a genuine longing for God’s will. There is always a delicate balance in surrendering our will and praying with great faith and boldness. Throughout our adoption journey, I have often struggled to find that balance. I long to trust His timing and believe that He is fighting for us more than we could ask or imagine, but I so often use this truth as an excuse to pray wimpy prayers when I know God is calling me to move mountains. 

Shameless Audacity

The Lord really shook me awake to this truth when I attended an adoption conference last month called Hope at Home. My husband and I had been expecting to pass court that week (meaning that our son would officially become a Dunn), but we were informed the day before the conference that the judge was traveling and would not be returning for three more weeks. Our hearts were completely crushed; we had already been waiting nearly two months for the judge to return. During the conference, one of the speakers, Greg Haswell, spoke from Luke 11 and encouraged us all to pray with “shameless audacity” for our children:

…teaching [his disciples] more about prayer, he used this story: ‘Suppose you went to a friend’s house at midnight, wanting to borrow three loaves of bread. You say to him, “A friend of mine has just arrived for a visit, and I have nothing for him to eat.” And suppose he calls out from his bedroom, “Don’t bother me. The door is locked for the night, and my family and I are all in bed. I can’t help you.” But I tell you this—though he won’t do it for friendship’s sake, if you keep knocking long enough, he will get up and give you whatever you need because of your shameless persistence. And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened." (Luke 11:5-9)

Throughout the entire sermon, the Lord was saying to me, “Wake up! Ask Me
boldly for things, and I will do more than you could ask or imagine!”

A Fire in Our Prayers

We had been praying for nearly two months for the judge’s return, but God used that conference to ignite a fire in our prayers. We prayed with shameless persistence, and sure enough, the judge returned just four days later and signed our adoption decree. So do I place my faith in the outcome? Absolutely not. My faith rests in the person of Jesus. But I know that my son coming home (and healing, wholeness, forgiveness, salvation, breakthrough) are His will and that I can pray with shameless audacity by His grace. Thank You, Lord!

ADOPTING TRANSRACIALLY

We asked our friend Andrea Young, author of a wonderful blog, Babe of My Heart, creator of the amazing retreat for adoptive mothers, Created for Care, and truly great mother to her precious children, to share with us about their experience with transracial adoption. She has a huge heart, full of godly wisdom and powerful love. It is an honor for Hope at Home to have her share on our blog--thank you Andrea!  Enjoy.

 Our Adoption Journey Began

In February 2007, my husband and I partnered with four other families in our area and started an orphan ministry in Ndola, Zambia. It was throuh our work with Wiphan Care Ministries that the Lord first opened our hearts to growing our family through adoption. I remember sitting up late one night talking with my husband about growing our family as my heart was being broken for children who needed families. We got up the next morning and visited an orphanage in Zambia to learn adopting from from Zambia wasn't an easy thing (that year in a country with an overwhelming number of orphans only 6 had been adopted internationally). We came home and continued to pray--but it would be several more years before our adoption journey began.

In the summer of 2009, Richard and I had a 4 year old son, 3 year old daughter and a 6 month old baby. Adoption at this point in time for most probably wouldn't make sense--us included. But it was then that we felt the Lord was asking us to follow Him in adoption--and truly our hands and hearts felt open to where ever and when ever. I remember the conference call where our agency was going over the areas of need--and at that time there weren't as many families adopting from Ethiopia or Haiti (this was before the hurricane also) so they asked us to pray about these two countries if we were truly open to anywhere.

Even as a little girl, I had always imagined adopting one day--I guess it's something God grew in my heart from the beginning. I lived in China for a time after college doing mission work, so naturally I assumed we would adopt from China. Our newly found agency's suggestion though challenged us to pray about two countries we had honestly never considered before--and while I knew my heart could deeply love any child--I immediately had questions for the sake of my child in his/her being adopted transracially.

Lots of Questions!

Would it be hard to have parents of a different race? What does it look like to not be raised in your culture and then move to a country where even those that do "look like you" have a completely different culture? Will my future child resent me for adopting him/her into a family that isn't his race? Will our family and friends...and community support us? What will my African American friends think? Will all my children--my adopted child included--hate me for making us a conspicuous family?

(There were so many questions at first; the interesting part now is--as I was writing this to share, I had to sit down and think REALLY HARD what my questions or fears even were just two years ago!)

We prayed for peace and direction, and with our ministry in Zambia--our hearts were just naturally drawn to Africa. And so, our journey began. We went in knowing that some adoption experts think its best for children of the same race to be adopted by couples of the same race--and knowing that some in our own community might feel the same way. BUT we also went in believing the best place for any child of any race is in a FAMILY. We took classes on transracial adoption (most every agency offers them) and sought wise counsel from some of our closest African American friends and transracial families. There were several things that were important to us to implement in our parenting then--some have remained top on our list for thriving as a transracial family and some of the others I realized weren't so important now--but they will be in later years. I do think there are some important things to consider when praying about adopting transracially...

Surround yourself with supportive family and friends...

I remember sharing our exciting adoption news with our friends and family. Most everyone was so excited, but unfortunately--I think in every circle you will always have one person who disagrees with whatever you do. I remember sharing with older family members our adoption journey and how we would be adopting from Africa, and some times someone would ask why were not adopting from this country or that--I could feel my heart already getting defensive. BECAUSE in my heart--I knew our child was in Ethiopia. I had to remember that the Lord had been speaking to my heart for YEARS about adoption and Africa--yet this was the first they had heard of it. It was new to them. I had to learn to extend GRACE and also understand how much our world has changed in the last 50 years. Adopting transracialy is very normal to our generation--but not to older generations, so I encourage you to extend grace when someone in your family isn't supportive at first.  No matter where you adopt from, you need a strong support network--so its important for you to have other friends and family who support transracial adoption and who are excited about your journey.

Surround yourself with diverse friends and community...

We especially reached out to our African American friends, and because many of them are a big part of our lives--we wanted to know how they felt about our adoption. We shared with them how important we thought it was for our child to be with other families and children that looked like him--and to also grow up experiencing his culture. Not everyone is so fortunate, but some of our African American friends were also born in Africa which makes sharing culture with our child even easier!  Our friends were very honest with us--and they shared that this might not be the best fit for every family--especially if you live in a community where there are not many transracial families or African Americans. And then...the topic of hair came up!

One thing that is very important in our country to African Americans is HAIR. One of my precious African American friends jokingly told me, "It's alright if you want to bring home an African son or daughter--other African Americans are cool with that. UNLESS...you mess up the hair!" While she was joking, I know now that there was quite a bit of truth to that statement. Taking care of African hair is QUITE the learning curve, and truthfully--to the African American community, it's how others can easily look at your child and know he is well taken care of. This was VERY intimidating for me, but this is ALSO where surrounding yourself with supportive friends comes in! I made my African American friends teach me everything they knew about hair care. I went in beauty salons they suggested and sought advice. And I stocked up on more special shampoos and hair products than I had ever used in a lifetime on my own!

My children's godmother who is African American volunteered to take our child to the barber--which I was thankful for not only for getting the right style done, but it was important for us to know we could give our child opportunities to not always stand out. Once a month, he could go to the barber and ice cream with his auntie--and although he is too young to notice any difference now, I think this will be a special time for him as the years go on. (I take the advice of those who know more than I do about things like this and apparently every boy needs to have the barber experience! Don't know what I'm missing--but it'll be his special time.) 

As I listened to my friends talk about hair and the barber--we knew it would also be important to make sure our daily community and surrounds were diverse. We just happen to live in a neighborhood that is VERY diverse--we are the only caucasian family in our culdasac. We also live in a city that is very diverse, and the pastor of our church as well as many of it's members are African American. We feel this is very important to having a transracial family--that in most all of our circumstances in many ways we fit right in and our child will never be uncomfortable or stand out. Every family might not be as fortunate to have all these things in place, but I encourage you to try to look for ways to build diversity in your family's life if you are considering adopting transracially.

Celebrate the culture of your child's country as much as possible...

Most every country has a strong, unique culture--and this was one thing we really wanted to bring into our family for the sake of our child. We bought books on Ethiopian culture and cookbooks on how to cook Ethiopian food. We frequent Ethiopian restraurants, and we live in an area where we have even made several Ethiopian friends who have taught us about different holidays and special celebrations. Because the Ethiopian calendar is completely different than ours, we celebrate almost everything TWICE! Christmas, New Years...and other holidays---we try to incorporate traditions and go to festivals when they are nearby.

Even if you adopt transracially right from your state, African Americans have a strong, rich culture here--so I would encourage you to teach your child some cultural differences so he can experience and embrace his culture and history. I'll never forget when one of my African American friends told me about the first time she went to a caucasian's funeral. It was a HUGE culture shock for her! We have to realize it is very likely for our children to marry someone of their same race--and we do not want the first time for them to experience church, funerals, weddings, etc as adults or to feel uncomfortable or struggle again blending with their new family one day.

Keep the lines of communication open and talk about race...

Talking about race to your child lets them know you are comfortable with your racial difference, and they can be too. There will come times when your child overhears someone talking about your transracial family or when a young child says something inappropriate about your racial difference or worse--when an adult makes an uncomfortable statement with your child standing right beside you. The more you have talked about race with ALL your children, the less awkward it is for everyone because you have already addressed many things together as a family and you have your "go to responses" to uncomfortable situations. When someone does say something inappropriate or uncomfortable ("Are you babysitting?" "Is he a foster child?"), and we have to use one of our "go to responses"---we also talk about it again later as a family to keep the lines of communication open. (We ask how a comment made them feel, what would have been a better thing for them to say, what we know to be true and how we might better respond next time.)

Truthfully, we rarely have strangers say uncomfortable things, and the questions we once worried about are non-issues for us as we have surrounded our family with a strong, supportive community. We also started a community group in our home where about 25 other families who also have adopted transracially join us once a month for a dinner social and a time for the kids to play. Even the older familiy members who once didn't understand our adopting transracially are completely smitten and in love with our son--and our four children have a bigger perspective on what it really means to be a family. We are so thankful that God called us to be a transracial family through adoption!