MARRIAGE MONDAY: TIME TO CELEBRATE

Wonderful to hear from our friend Kate Aldrich, adoptive mom and marriage blogger, for this month's Marriage Monday post. Check out Kate and Brad's blog, One Flesh Marriage.

 ~~And while we've got your attention, Registration for Hope at Home 2014 opens Thursday. So, check back here or on our Facebook Page. We are super excited and have a great giveaway for those who register in the next month.~~

It seems appropriate to talk about milestones, since we just planned our 15^th Anniversary getaway. To say I am a little excited is an understatement. Five whole days with just my hubby, in a cabin, in the middle of nowhere-C A N N O T wait!

Every year we get away for our anniversary. Usually it is only a weekend and then every couple of years we try to do something longer. Whether it is going out to dinner or getting away like Brad and I are doing this year, wedding anniversaries are obviously a time when many couples set aside time to celebrate and be alone. 

Brad and I find every excuse we can to celebrate “us”! We take every opportunity we have to get out and spend time, just the two of us! We are blessed to have the help of wonderful Grandparents. While we are looking for every opportunity to go on dates, they are looking for every opportunity to visit and spoil their grandkids! It works well and everyone is happy! 

Beside our anniversary, Brad and I can come up with many other occasions to get out, just the two of us. There are birthdays, our first date, our engagement, Valentine’s Day, Flag Day (anything)! So my question to you is, 

Do you take every opportunity you have to celebrate the milestones in your marriage?

I have found that many couples do not. Or if they do, it is time spent talking about their kids! It is a shame to miss these wonderful opportunities, these milestones, to connect on a deeply intimate level! 

Protect Those Special Days:

We try to make sure we protect our special days. Our wedding anniversary is June 20^th. When we found out that we were pregnant with our oldest son, we also found out that his due date was June 24^th. After the initial excitement and shock wore off, both Brad and I said, “I really hope this baby is not born on our anniversary!”  We talked about that many times throughout my pregnancy. I even prayed that God would allow him to be born on any other day! I know that seems crazy, and of course our son’s health and safety was of most concern, but we wanted that day to remain our special day. Our son was born on June 28^th, so we were elated that our day was still “just ours”! 

But our story doesn’t end there it gets even more interesting! When we found out that we were expecting our daughter, we learned her due date was August 4^th. We actually said, “perfect”!! No need to worry about any special dates! Ha! Well, as it turns out I was very sick with our daughter and she had to be delivered via an emergency C-section. When do you think that was? Yup, she was born in June 21^st! 6 ½ weeks early and only a few hours after our anniversary. I actually went into the hospital on our anniversary. All Brad and I could do was laugh! So much for our planning! We still laugh about the irony of this story! But to be completely honest, we still protect our anniversary! Our anniversary is an important priority and we will not let it get lost in our kids!

Have we always been this way, you may ask? Brad and I have always celebrated our special days, but since we have been open to God’s amazing plan for marriage, we have grown to be even more protective of those times, becoming very intentional about the time we get alone together. We cherish every moment and want it to be special! It may not always fall on the 20^th, but we go no matter what. I know it seems like there are many obstacles in the way--time, money, child-care, etc. If you are creative these things are only obstacles that can be overcome!

Dealing With the Obstacles:

You can always find time, cancel whatever you have going on for a whole weekend (or at least an overnight). In future years, schedule a weekend off in advance. Making this a  priority will show your spouse how much your value him/her and your time alone together!

If money is an issue, have your children go to someone’s house so that you can stay home alone, although there is something to be said for getting out of your normal, everyday surroundings. We budget for our “get-away time together” because we feel it is just as important to our marriage and our family vacations. Marriage time should not be considered an extra. Nurturing your marriage is a must! 

If you choose to stay at your home, make it different and special. Decorate, clean, use candles, think of ways to make the time you have a fun, loving, intimate celebration of your marriage. Do things that you truly enjoy and maybe don’t get the opportunity to do very often. 

Many couples say that childcare is a problem as well. I hear that, and recognize that Brad and I are very blessed to have amazing parents who love to take turns spoiling their grandchildren. If you don’t, find a couple in your church or neighborhood, someone you trust with your children. Ask them if they would be willing to watch your kids for the weekend or overnight. If they have children, offer to do the same in return for their anniversary or special weekend (this is great for date nights as well). If they have kids, don’t assume it is too much to add your kids to the mix. We have three kids and many times adding a few more for a day or two is really not a big deal. Not to mention that your kids get a “special” weekend as well! It is also another great example to your children about how important your marriage is, as well as setting a great example for their future marriage!

Don’t keep making excuses as to why you never go on dates or never get away together! You deserve to celebrate each other and your marriage. I truly think God is pleased when we take special time just for each other!

As I said earlier, Brad and I take every opportunity to celebrate. Not everything we do costs much or requires childcare. We love staying in, watching a movie together, reading together, sharing a quiet dinner, all of these things if set aside for just the two of you, is celebrating your marriage! We try to have a quiet dinner together, when the kids are already in bed, at least once a week. What do you and your spouse enjoy doing together? If you don’t remember, because too much time and space has come between you, ask yourself, what were the things that attracted you in the beginning? What were the things you enjoyed doing then? These interests grow and change as our marriage does. But thinking back to the beginning helps us to remember why we fell in love! I have found that I feel most blessed in my marriage when I do something for Brad that I know he loves. When I take the time and effort to carve out time for just us.

Go get your calendar, look forward to the milestones in your marriage. Spend some time planning together! Don’t let another milestone pass without planning something special to celebrate your marriage!

MARRIAGE MONDAY: SPEAK LIFE

From Kate:

We have all heard it said that words can kill or words can give life. I think we feel that most when we are receiving words or perceiving them from others. I would like to think that I actually think through what I say before I say it, but upon reflection, I think that I assess words more when I am the recipient of them than when I am speaking them.  

God has been writing this post on my heart for the last week and confirming it everywhere I turn. We all know that the words we speak have impact. Big impact. On a communication level, it is not hard to see. How we speak to our spouse tells them how we feel about them. Because of that, we are often challenged to speak kindly--to make sure we think before we speak and to seek forgiveness and apologize when we didn’t use the best words or tone. 

Words are so much more than that. 

Words are life. 

Words have breath. 

Words are the link between life and death. 

No matter how good or how challenging things are in marriage, we can all choose to speak life into our marriage. I have had the blessing of hearing many marriage stories. I know our own marriage story. And because of that, I know it is hard at times to speak life. 

Proverbs 18:21 says:

The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.

Choosing to speak life into your marriage is much more than watching your tongue and seeking to speak nice words to your spouse. Those things are great and much needed-- continue to do them! What I am challenging you to is a bit different. 

My challenge to you is to speak life into your marriage every day. 

Here’s how:

Surround Yourself with Marriage-Positive People

Many of us have friends in all walks of life. Yet, who we choose to talk marriage with, greatly impacts how we think about our marriage. When you need to talk marriage, choose a couple or a group of couples that are marriage-positive and will uplift you. While being real, they will pray with you and challenge you as well as celebrate the victories with you.

If you have a group of the same sex that you meet with, be intentional about who you share the inner most parts of your marriage with. I have a wonderful group of ladies who I can always talk to about my marriage. I know it is safe and that they won’t allow me to be harsh about my hubby. They will also listen and challenge me. 

Who do you talk marriage with and are they marriage positive?

Build Up Your Spouse 

I have seen in the past 2 years of our marriage, how much my words of encouragement and affirmation can bless my husband. He is empowered, and knows that I am right there beside him. Proud to be his wife, proud of who he is, proud of how he looks--he rocks! I seek to be his biggest cheerleader. 

That does not mean that we are never frustrated with one another. It simply means that one of my highest callings in life is being his wife. That means serving and loving my hubby only second to God. 

If you don’t speak life into that amazing man God has given you, who will? 

Speak Life into Yourself

It’s really hard to speak life into your marriage when you aren’t speaking it into your own life. When you feel unworthy and speak down to yourself, it will pour over into your marriage. I know that self-worth is hard for many people. Yet it is hard to feel good about our marriage, to see life in it, when we don’t see those things in our self. 

There is no easy way to “fix” this other than seeking out the Father and basking in His love for you. Allow him to fill you up and seek to see yourself as He sees you!  

Easy, no! Life changing, yes! 

When Troubles Come, and They Will . . . Speak Life!

It is so easy to look at hard times as all-encompassing. It can be easy to have a discouraged and defeated attitude, an attitude that often comes out in our words. When we allow ourselves to be pulled in to this type of thinking, the enemy is pleased. 

Speaking good things over your marriage, truth and love, will give life. Will it make all of your problems go away? No, it won’t. But that is not really the point. The point is words. God has gifted us with a tongue and words. They can either give life or bring destruction. 

Say This / Not That!

Choose to say: “we will work through this” rather than “I don’t see any way through this”

Choose to say: “I love my husband/wife and know that God desires good in our marriage. I will not stop trying and seeking for us to grow through this” rather than “I love my husband/wife, but I have tried everything and see no change.” 

Choose to say: “God is for our marriage not against it. Anything that says otherwise is not of God!” rather than “Maybe God is punishing me!” 

Father God, I look to you today for words of life to speak aloud to and about my spouse, my marriage, and my self. Would you help me to hear some of the good things You are saying about my spouse today? I want to think like you think about him/her and about our marriage. Amen.

To read more from Kate Aldrich, check out her wonderful marriage blog, One Flesh Marriage. You'll also find more encouragement for your marriage in our Marriage Monday section. 

When you bless our marriage, you bless your children! 

MARRIAGE MONDAY: OUT OF ASHES

Time for us moms and dads to take our eyes off our children and place them on our marriage. It's Marriage Monday again here at Hope at Home! Being intentional about our covenant relationship with our spouse will always bear fruit, for us and for our children. Kate (an adoptive mom) from One Flesh Marriage (a wonderful marriage blog--you should hop over there and get to know Brad and Kate Aldrich!) is sharing with us today.

We all have a tendency to look back on the past and remember horrible things, the ashes of our past; events that turn your stomach and just make you want to cry all over again. For some those memories are so strong that they conjure up the exact emotions you felt as it was happening, even after a significant amount of time.

As I look back on my own past, I know that I have a relatively blessed life. The painful experiences that I went through could easily be chalked up to normal growing pains and life with peers. None the less, those events have shaped and develop insecurities within me. There were times I was made fun of, left out of things, called names, etc.

We all Have Ashes

Perhaps for you, your parents got divorced leaving a void in your family; or maybe you were bullied and felt like you never fit in. Perhaps you lost a parent while growing up, or lost a sibling. Perhaps you were abused emotionally, spiritually, physically or sexually by someone you didn’t know, or worse by someone you knew and trusted! 

Maybe your ashes were not about things that were done to you, but choices you made that bring back painful memories. All of these things will shape how you view yourself, how you view life, how you view God and how you view your spouse and your marriage.

These situations, the choices we made or the wrongs done to us are all ashes in our life. They are all garbage, yet we allow them to have life in us. 

Beauty from the Ash

No matter what has happened in the past, no matter what has been done to you, no matter what you have done to others, God wants your ashes. He wants you to know that your ashes can be made into beauty by the One who loves you more than His own life. Jesus can make beauty from any and all ashes. And we can dance upon the ruins. 

I know you may be thinking that the pain is too hard, that forgiveness for yourself or others just isn’t that easy. You are right, it’s not! If you are trying to do it alone. Jesus can help you to forgive and move on. It may not be easy, but you have to make steps towards healing and forgiveness. No matter what that looks like for your life and past hurts. He wants to create the most beautiful masterpiece with your life and your marriage. You only need to let Him!

Ashes in Marriage

I know this transformation to be true in my marriage. Brad and I had some really rocky times during the first five years of our marriage. We allowed our pasts to influence our one flesh union. Instead of giving our past over to God, we stayed stuck in the yuck that they created. There were times I was not sure what would become of us. I didn’t foresee divorce in our marriage (because we went into marriage believing that divorce was NOT an option), but I also did not foresee being able to connect with Brad on a true one flesh journey! I just figured we would keep on going on and keep on going on for all of our years together. It seemed very bleak and dismal. 

Change Can Happen

But God has truly taken our ashes and made beauty from them. We opened our hearts to His will for our marriage, to His healing power, to His grace! He has taken our junk, our yuck and is creating a beautiful masterpiece.

So how do we get to this place of openness in our lives and marriages? How can we leave our junk at the foot of the cross and receive healing? How can we embark on a journey with our spouse to One Flesh?

The journey to hope and healing is not always the same for everyone. But it starts with taking steps. Acknowledge that the past is still alive in your life and keeping you from moving forward. Surrender your past, the hurts and the pain, to Jesus. Surrender and know that you are forgiven! Lay down the offensives that were done to you. Although this may be so difficult, NO hurt is too deep that Jesus can’t heal it.

Step Into the Future

I will be honest with you, after you lay it all at Jesus’ feet, you may need some help afterwards. Don’t see this as sign of weakness, or that God did not heal you completely. It is just reality that the past will keep trying to become reality again and rear its ugly head. So get some support and help. Meet with a pastor, trusted friend or find a professional Christian counselor. You have to break free from allowing these past hurts to have a hold on YOU! My past used to affect how I looked at myself, it affected the confidence I had as a woman and as a wife. Because it affected me and my marriage, it therefore affected everything else in my life. Your love for Jesus, love for yourself and love for your spouse are the pivotal foundation for all else in your life!

Take the steps today towards healing and away from the past. Step into the future with Jesus and your spouse by your side. Becoming a person of great strength, courage and confidence is a journey! Talk with God, ask for His help. Talk with your spouse, sharing your past hurts and allowing him/her to be a part of the healing process. We are one with our spouse, therefore we cannot separate ourselves. God intended for it to be that way. God wants to create a masterpiece with all the broken, jagged pieces of your past.

 Will you let Him?

...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes (Isaiah 61:3)

MARRIAGE MONDAY: WHAT LOVE IS

Register Now for Hope at Home 2013!

Thanks to Kate from One Flesh Marriage, we parents have another opportunity to remember our spouse and and the covenant relationship that is the foundation and container for our adoptions. This is worth our time dear parents, as we attend to the needs of our children so diligently!

We have all been to weddings where 1 Corinthians 13 is read; there is a good chance this scripture was at your own ceremony! I know that Brad and I used it and had stars in our eyes as we thought about how amazing our love was going to be in our marriage. After all the Bible talks all about it. Yes, we also knew that there would be hard times, and yet we thought that this amazing love would sustain and would only grow. We thought that we would have no choice but to love in this manner. That’s what love was after all.

Not long into the first year of our marriage, it became clear that we had bought into a lie that is not God’s plan for marriage. A lie that gave us a very unrealistic, romanticized worldly version of love. Love that gave totally unrealistic expectations about romance, sex, communication, finances or forgiveness. Don’t get me wrong, all of these things have a place in God’s design for marriage. Yet to have an expectation of love getting us through everything simply because it is love, is naive. So what can we learn from 1 Corinthians 13?

We have the amazing privilege to be a part of the marriage ministry at our church, and to be using a revolutionary curriculum. As we were going through our section this past week with our group, I felt God prompting me to share a section with you. 

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 teaches that love: (from the ReEngage Curriculum, created by Watermark Community Church, Dallas TX)

Is patient and kind. It doesn’t look for instant gratification or immediate change. Rather than wounding or reminding of failures, it encourages. It is always thoughtful in actions, attitudes and speech.

Doesn’t envy or boast. It celebrates when another is celebrated. It doesn’t have to one-up the other to somehow be better. In fact, love actually admits failures and shortcomings rather than making excuses or pretending they don’t exist. 

Isn’t rude or insisting on its own way. Rather than demanding or manipulating to get what it wants, real love actually finds joy in serving the other and putting their needs first. It even studies the other’s needs and wants so it can meet them.

It’s not irritable or resentful. It can handle interruptions, shortcomings, and disappointments without becoming angry and agitated. It gladly overlooks small offences and graciously forgives larger ones without bringing them up later. 

Bears and endures all things. It sees the other’s hardships as its own and takes them on in selfless ways. It stays completely and actively committed regardless of how it feels or what it is received in return. (emphasis added)

Believes and hopes all things. It acts in a trustworthy manner with no secrets, which leaves no room for suspicion. It believes the best about the other, and does everything it can to make the relationship work.

Each time I read this it is like I my eyes are being opened fully to the reality that this won’t happen until I see Jesus. Yet, each time God challenges and shows me a different way I can love my hubby better. 

So how can we take this list, make it a positive and not become overwhelmed?

Identify where you struggle. Which of these do you struggle with the most? Why do you think that is? How can you seek Jesus on changing that? If it is your biggest area of struggle, you may think it is too hard, but God has a plan for that and will bless you. Also it is good to remember that small steps are ok. You don’t need to radically change overnight, but you can make smaller efforts and see how God grows them and blesses both of you!

Identify where you thrive . Which of these is your loving strong suit? How can you continue to thrive in that area of loving your spouse? Making a mental note of these things is more helpful then you can imagine! Being “aware” of your strengths and weakness is  important to moving forward in your own walk with Jesus as well as your marriage. And even more powerful, being aware of who Jesus is in you, in your spouse, and in your marriage will set you free to walk in the place of blessing you so desire.

Put your spouse before yourself. We all say we want to do it, but in practice it is very hard to maintain.  I believe selfishness is one of the plagues killing marriages today. Thinking about my hubby before myself regardless of what I am getting in return is not the way I lived those beginning years of our marriage. Now I aspire to live and love this way and it is revolutionary! Not too surprising since it is the way Jesus loves us. Look to Him and you will see that in Him you be able to put your spouse before yourself. 

Remember you are LOVED. Remember that in all things you are loved most dearly by Jesus. Perhaps you are like me and failed to do any of the above in part of your marriage. Perhaps you have done well, but feel so unloved by your spouse. Remember that God loves you so much no matter what and He desires to bless you in your marriage. Keep seeking to love your spouse the way he asks, because that is all you can do. I believe that God blesses our faithfulness and obedience. It may not always be in the way we expect, but there are great blessings, none the less!

Reading the list above, what are your first thoughts? Do you struggle in one specific area? How have you brought about change in your own life? 

FINDING TIME

It's so good to hear from Kate again from One Flesh Marriage for our MARRIAGE MONDAY post this month. At Hope at Home we believe that giving attention to our marriages is a primary source of strength for our children, so building up and enjoying our marriage relationship is totally a parenting issue! 

Do you remember the time when you were first married and time was all of your own making? As a couple you chose what to do and when, no little ones to run around here and there. I remember thinking when we were first married that we were soooo busy and yet now when I look back on that time and wonder what we actually did with all of our time. We are in the phase of life where we are running kids to activities each evening as well as serving in church ministries during the week as well as Sunday’s. We limit our three children to ONE activity at a time and yet with three of them that still seems to take up much of our free time. 

Time is elusive, it slips through our fingers as fast as grains of sand and yet finding time for our marriage is incredibly vital. It is vital to our children, to our one flesh connection with our spouse and to our intimate relationship with our Abba Father. Yet, while it is important to all of these things, time is the first thing to go MIA when life and schedules are full to the brim. So we know it is important and we know we need to prioritize it, but how do we actually flesh that out in this hectic life?

Learn to say No

I am sure you knew this was coming . . . but you need to learn to say no to things so that your spouse can be a priority. Sometimes this will be saying no individually and other times as a couple. It may be saying no to work, to friends and even to church. All of these things are amazing and important in our lives, but God has asked us to keep our priorities in order-God first, spouse second, children third and everything else after those three. Learning to say no will truly help you. You can do it; it won’t always be easy but it will be worth it!

What do you do in your free time together?

So you are home with your spouse and have free time-- I know it doesn’t happen often but when it does what do you choose to do with that free time? Do you check Facebook, or watch a game, or fold laundry? Or do you forget all of that for a glorious hour and spend that time with your spouse? 

Our plates are so full that naturally we like to lighten the load when we have free time; I totally get that and fall into the same routine. Yet when you have your spouse with you, make that time about them. It will be an incredible blessing and I assure you that your laundry will still be there when you are done. No laundry fairy here yet, but if you find one, send them our way!

Sneak moments often

When you have those little moments of time to sneak a hug or a kiss or a snuggle-do it! Those moments, though short are good. They are bonding moments and are important to staying close and connected. Don’t be tempted to just skip right over those moments, embrace them (and your beloved) often throughout the day.

10 minutes of the day talk

Decompressing and unwinding from the day is a gift that often times can seem like a task, especially when there is a lot of other things that need done. When your spouse gets home from work, or if you both do, take 10 minutes to sit down together and just talk about both of your days. If you kids are still little, this is a great time for them to watch a video or to be in the high chair getting a snack. This time helps you to understand each other’s day, stresses and joys. It truly is connecting you and husband and wife to share about your day.

Schedule date nights weekly

Yup, weekly! You may be thinking I am crazy. Who has that kind of time or money? I hear you and agree. One of the things we have done that has been incredible is something we call “dinner date nights”. We feed the kids dinner and sit and chat with them as they eat, then after we have tucked them in bed, we have dinner just the two of us in a nice quiet kitchen. If your kids are older and you have the funds, then by all means go out together once a week. These dates don’t have to cost anything really, unless you choose to. Taking time to be close and alone will nurture intimacy. And since I mentioned that, remember to seek out sexual intimacy with your spouse each week too-it is a need in marriage, not just a want. 

Pray

Pray together sometime during your day. Seeking God together is such a wonderful thing. Aren’t sure? Give it a try and see if you are not blessed in incredible ways. There is nothing like your spouse praying for you and for your family. 

These are just a few ways you can begin to find that time once again for your marriage. God wants good things for your marriage and he desires for you to know the fullness of His plan for one flesh. Seek to find time in each day and each week to nurture your marriage together. You will find that all areas of your life will benefit from prioritizing your marriage. Once you carve out that time, it will become so special that you will find you want to carve out more. God will bless you in that. 

What other ways have you learned to carve out time in your marriage? We would love to hear them!

Be sure to join us on Facebook! It is a great place to receive daily encouragement, resources and connection for your adoption journey. 

MARRIAGE ONENESS

Merry Christmas dear friends! May you each experience the PEACE ON EARTH right there in your homes that the angels proclaimed at the birth of our savior!

It's Marriage Monday again here at HOPE AT HOME and this time we are hearing from our good friend and fellow adoptive parent, Kate of  One Flesh Marriage. It's always the season to give attention to our marriages! 

If you have ever lived with another person, which I am assuming all of you have at one time or another, then you know how hard it is to mesh different personalities together. God has blessed in each of us a uniqueness that is all our own. Marriage is one of the places where encountering each other’s personalities, habits, quirks and beautiful differences is most challenging. It can also be the most rewarding. 

Marriage Oneness

The journey of marriage is a journey toward oneness -being completely known by your spouse with all the joys and blemishes. Getting to a place where oneness is nurtured and in forward motion is difficult with two totally different people. No matter how alike you and your hubby are, you are still very different. How do we move forward on this journey to oneness when we have unique and different personalities? Keep in mind that oneness is a journey, not a destination. You will be seeking intimacy and oneness all of your married life; you are not there once you say your vows. Believe me, I was that young, naive bride who thought we had reached the destination once we said “I do.” How wrong I was. Fortunately, God has been gracious with both of us and we are moving forward!

Embrace and Celebrate Your Spouse’s Personality

Just like you, your spouse was made by our most amazing God. We can celebrate our spouse’s personality or we can allow it to bother us. Many times opposites attract, so there will be things about the two of you that seem so different. At first we may think these things are great, then after years of living together they start to grate on our nerves. I used to dwell on all the little things that my hubby did or didn’t do and based them on his personality. I have come to realize how much that hurt him. Lifting them up and praising him for who he is-- that's how God desires me to be. 

Does that mean that when they make a huge pile of clothes on the floor, we just embrace it, smile and move on? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Embracing and lifting up their personality does not mean that we never share how we feel. Those piles are a good opportunity to serve and help your spouse out with organization. Then sometimes it is good to talk about the piles of clothes, if they truly bother you. Talk about how you can work together to a solution that works for both of you. 

Build Intimacy in All Areas

When we take time to build intimacy in all areas of our marriage, we find that there is a softening in our hearts and we are better able to extend grace to our spouse. Four critical areas of intimacy we focus on are: Spiritual intimacy, Physical intimacy, Emotional intimacy and Intellectual intimacy. Do the two of you spend time together in these four ways? 

Every day, you should have the opportunity to build up these areas with your spouse. The main thing that keeps us from focusing on at least one of these things daily is selfishness. We all work hard and at the end of the day many times just want “me” time. I would encourage you to be sure some of that "me" time is “us” time. 

Be Honest About Your Own Pitfalls

It is easy for us to point a finger and bring to light the short- comings of our spouse. Yet one of the best things you can do is to be open and honest about your own pitfalls. Share them with your spouse. They most likely already know them, but knowing that you see them and are trying to work on them, speaks volumes to your spouse and builds intimacy. Keep in mind this is not in a self- deprecating way, but a spirit of understanding the things God wants to refine in you. 

Seek to be the Spouse God Asks And Let Your Personality Shine Through

The question remains, what is our personality and what is something that needs to be refined in us? I believe that seeking God’s word for you as a wife or a husband is the first step. Look up wife or husband in your Bible. Ask God to reveal to you, what he desires for you and the wife or husband. After that settles in, seek God on your personality and how that fits. There may be things he desires to work out of you, and there will be things he wants to bring to the surface to compliment your spouse. How does this flesh out, you may be asking yourself. Here is an example:

If you as the wife are gifted in numbers, you may naturally have taken on the responsibility of paying the bills and handling the budget for the family. There is nothing wrong with that by any means. Yet the husband is designed by God to have a need to provide for his family and to see that provision. Your personality, designed by God is great with numbers. How can you seek God on making both work together? 

Working through these things builds intimacy through seeking God and good communication. Is it going to be easy? Not necessarily; sadly we usually struggle with giving up control in different areas of our lives. Yet, God is faithful and when we are obedient to his word and what he asks of us in our marriage, his word says there will be blessings.

Moving Forward? 

Do you feel that you are moving forward on your one flesh journey or are you stuck in the muck of your own self-focus?  Are personality issues a stumbling block? If you have worked through some of these things and are on the other side looking back, what would you share to help those who are in the valley?

GIVING YOUR MARRIAGE THE LEFTOVERS

Marriage Monday!

It's that time again friends-- time to remember that the best thing you can do for your children is to have the best marriage possible. Love this post from Kate Aldrich, who along with her husband Brad have a wonderful marriage blog, One Flesh Marriage.

Kate and Brad will be at our Hope at Home 2012 conference for adoptive and foster parents, October 5-6 in Atlanta, GA. 

Only two weeks away -- you can still register. We are so looking forward to seeing you!

Kate says . . . 

When we were dating and first married my hubby and I found there were many things we differed on. Many of these things were a reflection of how we were raised. One of our differences was our feelings on leftovers. Yes, leftovers. I would try to serve the leftovers again later in the week and my dear hubby was not so keen on them. 

I have to admit; many times leftovers are not as appealing as making a new, fresh meal. How do leftovers apply to marriage? Well for many years our marriage was stuck in our own selfishness, and we ended up giving each other nothing but leftovers. We fell into a routine of giving of ourselves to everything we “needed” to do first, and then being frustrated when there was little left over for our marriage. 

When I think on this or feel myself being pulled in all directions, wanting to leave only leftovers, this scripture comes to mind. 

“Honor the LORD with your wealth, with the first fruits of all your crops” 

Proverbs 3:9 NIV

In our lives we are asked to honor God by giving him the first fruits of our lives. Yes this includes our money and material wealth, but it also means our first fruits of who he made us to be-- our time, our talents and our callings. Then, if we are married we are called to prioritize our spouse next. Bringing the next fruits to them-not the leftovers. 

This is modeled for us in the relationship Christ (the groom) has with the church, us (his bridegroom). Christ’s first priority—after obeying and glorifying the Father—was the church. In Jesus’ example we can see that giving our spouse our leftovers is not going to result in the one flesh connection we truly desire to have. If we want that bond, that true feeling of being completely known and accepted, then we cannot settle for giving leftovers. 

You might say, “Ugh, but life is so hard, I have meetings to attend, dinner to make, emails to respond to, babies attached to my hips, extended family responsibilities, toilets to clean, children to rock to sleep, Iphone games to play, facebook to check....” 

The list goes on and on! 

All of these things have their time and place; some have more importance than others. Yet not one of them should go before your spouse on a regular basis. There are times that our children have to come first for a short time, or a work project takes priority. When those times happen it should all be with the goal to get back to God first, Spouse second, children third and everything else fourth. 

Practical ways to keep priorities in order:

Evaluate what you are doing with free time 

You know that time during the day when both you and your spouse are free to do what you want? In that time, are you doing separate things? I tend to get flack for this, but that time should be spent together. If you prioritize that time together, you will find that you are refreshing your marriage. 

Does that mean you have to EVERYTHING together? No, but it means you make every effort to spend some alone time each day, as well as be in each other’s presence for the rest of that time. After our kids are in bed for the night, we go to our room and that is our time. We enjoy quiet-intimate time together as well as do our daily devotions, read our books, watch an occasional movie and other things we enjoy as a couple.  

Share where you struggle and ask your spouse to help

I’ll admit it is hard to be open and vulnerable, to admit where I struggle. Yet, I love that I have a safe place to share that, with my hubby. He knows me, understands me better than anyone else on earth and loves me regardless of my weaknesses. He also wants to lead me to be the best servant of Christ I can be. I love that about him. 

I share when I am struggling and he helps me to put it all in perspective as well as come up with some ways to help the situation. If we are able to share the ways we feel pulled away from making our marriage a priority, most spouses will be touched and willing to pray and help. Being vulnerable and having that trust, keeps your one flesh journey moving forward. 

Pray and seek God’s word

God never fails to amaze me with his steadfast faithfulness. Seeking Him through prayer and His Word is essential to keeping from serving leftovers to your spouse. We have all heard it said, “Never underestimate the power of prayer”, yet how often we do seek other ways to work on our struggles first? Give God the first of your struggles, then your spouse next. These biblical principles are there for a reason, give them a try!

Do you feel like you struggle with giving your spouse your “leftovers”? If so, share how you have overcome this trap in marriage. 

See you at Hope at Home 2012!

FOREVER FAMILY

When we read this post from our friend Kate at One Flesh Marriage we asked if we could share it here. She and her husband, Brad, will be at Hope at Home 2012 sharing on marriage and transracial adoption. Can't wait!!

Today we want to share a little different side of our story! The story of a journey. A journey to find our son!

1 year of waiting, and 16-hours of traveling, and 1/2 way around the world on a plane . . . we were finally here at the start of our Forever Family!

We enter the locked, guarded compound and our eyes were immediately drawn to a group of precious children playing in a circle with a ball. 

Was he there? Would we see him for the first time? 

It was incredibly over stimulating and made me light-headed. Brad and I looked, hand in hand, searching--and yet no one quite looked like him. Then a nanny called to us and said “Come, your son is inside.”

My heart sped up, tears pooled in my eyes; he was close and we were going to get to see him. Would he be shy? Happy? Or completely confused and upset at these new people wanting to hold and love on him? We were ready to give him the time he needed to warm up to us. His Daddy had a pocket full of race cars for that purpose. What little boy doesn’t love cars?

We followed the nanny down a dark hallway leading to a bunch of rooms lined with bunk beds. The next thing we heard was the nanny saying,

 “This is your Mommy and Daddy!” 

Around the corner bounded a huge pair of brown eyes and the most brilliant smile--belonging to our son!  He leapt from the nanny’s arms into mine, shouting “MOMMY!” and embracing me with all this tiny might! Not all first meetings are this way, but for us this is how it happened and it will forever be a treasured memory.

Words cannot express that moment. Even now as I sit here sharing with you all, tears are running down my face. It was just like the first moment we held our biological son and daughter in our arms. This little boy was our son. He is also the son of a beautiful family in Ethiopia. We don’t take that lightly. We are proud to share this little boy with his biological family. They are a part of our family as well. We have been given this time with our son as a precious gift.

The Real Journey Begins

As we left this beautiful land and embarked on our journey home we knew we would face tough times, but we were overjoyed and on cloud nine. Not long after arriving home and uniting all of our family, difficult times came. Unique challenges of introducing a new member into the family who already has a personality, but doesn't speak a word of English. Not unlike the first night a newborn screams ALL night long, we recognized that as parents we don’t always know what to do. Even with all the books, education and training, we didn't know how to handle these challenges. There has been an immeasurable joy, but also great confusion and frustration.

Many times families going through the journey of adoption feel lost. They don't know where to turn, where to go for help or guidance!

What If...

What if there was an adoption conference that sought to share wisdom and experiences with adoptive parents? But what if it didn’t stop there? What if the conference also took time for parents to seek out the Holy Spirit so that He can lead them in their journey? What if there was a place that parents still waiting for children or who already have them home could come together to seek God's will for their families?

Hope at Home 2012 is just that place! An adoption conference where parents can not only find information, but find comfort in time with the Holy Spirit, learning to seek God in new ways as they lay their burdens and troubles on Him, and find His abundant guidance as they make this journey together.

Hope At Home

Good information as well as seeking the Holy Spirit? I don’t know about you, but that sounds awesome to me! Brad and I are so excited to share with you the Hope at Home Conference 2012. We were excited to be attending this conference, and thrilled that they asked us to present two of the break-out sessions. 

We are honored to be presenting session on marriage. Adoption Through the Eyes of Marriage, and one on transracial adoption, The Joys of Godly Diversity. Good friends, Scott and Jenni Means from Journey to Surrender ,will be presenting A Marriage Made in Heaven and Helping Your Child Hear and Experience God. These are just 4 of the many awesome seminars planned for October 5th & 6th, 2012. To read more of the details, including the other breakout topics and speakers, click HERE.

God Has A Plan!

God has a plan and a purpose for our time with our kids. We need to remember that God has given us all we need for parenting in His Word and His Spirit! We only need to ask and draw near to Him. Is it always that easy? Well it certainly is the best place to start. Books, experts--we often try them first and then go to God only in desperation. Seeking Him is the place to start!

Children, adopted or biological, are a gift and a product of our marriage relationship. They are to add to it (yes, they add stress too!) and then we allow and encourage them to take flight on their own, pursuing God with all of their hearts. Children are not our hope in life, no matter how much we desire them--God is our hope. Brad and I have learned some of these lessons the hard way. That is why we are so thankful for God’s renewing our hearts.

Join Us!

Watch the conference video below and if you are an adoptive or waiting parent, please consider joining us. I am excited to see what God has in store. When we draw near to God, he draws near to us. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask.

Spread The Word

Would you help us spread the word about Hope at Home 2012 by sharing on your Facebook page, Twitter, email and word of mouth? If you know adoptive parents, please share with them.

BUSY TIMES CAN BREED OLD PATTERNS

MARRIAGE MONDAY

 
You may remember Brad Aldrich's post, Retreat Alone to Advancing Together from a couple of months ago. Well now you get to hear from his wife, Kate. Both Kate and Brad write and speak on all things marriage. In 2009 they followed God’s prompting and founded One Flesh Marriage Ministries, a blog based on their marriage journey and God’s word in Ephesians 5. Brad is a Pennsylvania Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the director of the Family Resource and Counseling Centers. Kate is a homeschooling mom and a family photographer in her free time. God has given Brad and Kate three amazing blessings, two biological and one adopted who have enriched their life and marriage. 

Summer is finally here and the kids are done with school and I find myself thinking, “Oh good, now I have extra time to catch up and get things done.  Perhaps even do some of my “wish” list.”   Suddenly, I start to actually look at the summer schedule and wonder why every year I seem to think there will be more time during the summer???  Seriously, what was I thinking?  Between extra activities, play dates with friends, and vacations--there really are no lazy days of summer!  

For those of you who don’t know me, I am a stay at home mom, we homeschool our three kids and I am also a portrait photographer in my free time.  I am as busy as every mom out there.  But the summer that I thought would bring reprieve and extra time to accomplish things, is quickly becoming busier then the school year.  

I LOVE this time of year, truly I do!  There is so much fun to be had and memories to be made, yet in the busyness of it all, I feel and see myself start to struggle.  I have seen some patterns start to inch their way back to the surface of my life.  Past habits that I would rather not revisit.  Yet, despite all of this, I feel them tugging and tugging until I give in and let them dominate my personality and attitude.  I think in these fun, exciting, stressful, and busy times old habits come back to us so easily.  

When stress and busy times start to take a hold of me, old habits resurface, threatening to put my “self” at the center of everything.  We all have past habits and patterns that we struggle with.  For some of us, they rear their ugly heads when we are bored, for others it is when life is busy.  Are old habits vying for your attention this summer season?  If so, how? 

To be clear, I am talking about habits in our personalities that we have discovered to be stumbling blocks or unhealthy.  I am not speaking for those who struggle with addictive habits.  

Own it and Admit it to Your Spouse

Just recently I took a few minutes to share with Brad where I am struggling.  He listened and then shared that he could see that I was struggling as well.  Not in a condemning way at all, but supporting me and acknowledging that he understands where I am coming from.  Sharing it all with Brad was like literally getting a weight off of my chest.  Satan takes pride in having these things keep us bound up.  Bringing light into the darkness of our struggle’s, makes the darkness flee!  Take some time to share with your spouse where you are struggling.  There may be times where you will need to ask forgiveness from your spouse or others.  Be open and honest. 

Ask For Help

Brad knows me like no one else.  He also is my biggest fan and encourager.  He wants to see that I am happy, healthy and that I experience the life God has in store for me.  Asking him to help me turn these patterns back around is a wise thing to do.  Not only does it get him involved giving me accountability, but it also speaks volumes to our spouse about how much we need them.  We weren’t meant to do life alone, hence God’s awesome plan for marriage.

Be Prepared to Do Some Changing

This is the tough part!  When we see something in ourselves that we need to change, we have to be willing to do what we need to, to change!  It is a hard thing.  Seeking God on our knees, receiving forgiveness as well as asking God to lead us in changing these things.  Prayer and more prayer.  Get into God’s word, read and listen, perhaps more than your daily reading.  If we try to change these things with our own strength, we will always fall short.  With God’s leading, we can find freedom and grace.  God can give you the strength and tools you need to change.

As I was feeling convicted with my own attitude and old habits, I felt God asking me to share with you.  I am far from perfect or having life and marriage figured out.  Yet, I do know that I want to be the best “me” that I can be.  I want to be the person God created me to be!  I know in my heart when I am off balance.  As we look forward to the fun summer times with our families it is as good a time as any to work those kinks out!

I know there are other things we can do when we feel old habits coming the surface.  If you have other ideas, we would love to hear them!  Share with us your thoughts in the comment section.  

You will have the opportunity to hear more from Kate at HOPE AT HOME 2012-- be sure to register! She and Brad, along with Jenni and Scott Means, will be leading two breakout sessions on marriage entitled, "Adoption Through the Eyes of Marriage" and "A Marriage Made in Heaven: Pursuing a Kingdom Culture at Home." In addition Kate and Brad will lead a session on Transracial Adoption called, "The Joys of Godly Diversity - Reflections from a Transracial Family." 

To read more about our breakout topics go HERE.