10 AMAZING GIFTS TO GIVE YOUR CHILDREN- A FATHER'S VIEW

From Stephen: 
The final present has been opened and crumpled wrapping paper is piled up all around the Christmas tree. All the family is enjoying all the new presents, toys and electronics that were just opened. There is a sense of satisfaction, peace and joy as you drink in the atmosphere of the morning- a culmination of many week's worth of hard work and preparation.

We all love to give our children gifts and watch their faces as they open them. I remember the intense anticipation of ripping open the beautifully wrapped gifts under the Christmas tree, the time lying in bed agonizing over how slowly time was moving, waiting for the agreed upon time when my brother and I could rush into our parents' room, wake them up and then run to the tree to see what "Santa" had brought. Now, there is even more joy in giving gifts and presents to our children, watching their faces, their anticipation and their surprise. It truly is more blessed to give than receive!

Although Christmas is over for another year, I've been thinking about some of the greatest and most potent gifts that we fathers can give our children. So I've made an extemporaneous "Top Ten" list. I'm sure you can easily come up with ten more equally great and important gifts you want to give you kids, but here's my list for now, starting with the first two--Enjoy! 

1. Have a Great Marriage 

Now I realize that it takes two to tango, and that having a great and awesome marriage is dependent on both husband and wife leaning forward and desiring it, but men, we must not shrink back from taking our lead role in this area.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. (Ephesians 5:25-27)

Find out what it means for you to love your wife as Christ loved the church. He laid down his life for us, and we are to take the lead in laying our lives down for our wives. Let's wash our wives with the water of the Word--encourage her with who she really is in the Lord. Find out what her "love language" is and speak it to her regularly. Encourage her daily. Answer her unspoken foundational question--"Honey, you are worth fighting for, you are lovely, you are beautiful, I'd fall in love with you again if I were to meet you for the first time today." 
Find ways to answer her unspoken questions a thousand ways. If you love your wife well and lay your life down for her, it will bring a grounding and peace in her life that will not only benefit you and her, but in my opinion will be one of the greatest gifts you could ever give your children.

2. Have a Great Relationship with God 

I think that often we Christians try to make things harder than they actually are. What does it mean for me to have a great relationship with God? It's simple: receive all that the Father has done for you through Jesus Christ. Receive, receive, receive. His love will transform and revolutionize your life. His love will renew your mind, your thoughts, your emotions, your priorities and your desires. Settle in your heart that you truly have been adopted by Him, that he has already done everything for you to have a great relationship with him.

He has already forgiven every sin you've ever committed, those you'll commit today, and all those you'll commit tomorrow and ten years from now. He's given you the gift of righteousness, and when he looks at you he smiles. He's given you everything you need to live for him by his power. So hang out with him in prayer and worship everyday--don't make it some otherworldly super-spiritual exercise when you talk to your Father, but show your kids how you can confidently talk and walk with your amazing God. As your relationship with God grows, it sets the spiritual thermostat of your home to the setting "as for me and my house, we will serve The Lord."  Remember the GOOD NEWS of the gospel, that God our Father loves and accepts us, not based on our good behavior and actions, but on Jesus' actions and sacrifice. If Father God treated us according to our behavior, we would be living under constant condemnation, but remember, "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." (Romans 8:1)

Our kids listen with their eyes, and no amount of spiritual talk or "Christianese" will have as much of an impact on their lives as them seeing you walk out a life truly loving and serving Jesus. Our children generally will value what we value, and they have a brutal sense of smell for hypocrisy in others. 
So dads, live your life of true devotion to God right out in front of them. They will tend to catch what you have, so if you are living a life of freedom in Christ, that's what they will see, and they'll eventually get there. 

So, there are my top two gifts I can give my kids. Stay tuned for more to come as I share more from my Top 10 List. Leave a comment and let us hear what is on your gift list!
Read Part 2 (gifts 3 and 4). Read Part 3 (gifts 5-8).

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MARRIAGE MONDAY: YOUR MARRIAGE AND THE ONE THING

From Scott Means:

You have probably heard the story of Mary and Martha dozens of times. (If you want to reread the account in Luke 10 click here.) As familiar as this story is, have you ever tried to apply this scripture to your marriage? 

On my blog, Journey to Surrender, I often explore ways in which spiritual truths translate into marital truths. After all, our relationship to Jesus as our bridegroom is a picture of what marriage is designed to be. How excellent is it that we get to be “married” to the one who designed marriage in the first place? 

So back to our story of Mary and Martha. There are two phrases in these verses that strike me as important in applying them to your marriage. 

Distracted with Much Serving

Verse 40 of Luke 10 says that Martha was “distracted with much serving” as she went about making preparations for their guest, Jesus. She was probably cleaning and preparing food and serving it, making sure everything was just right for their dear friend and honored guest. Mary, on the other hand, was satisfied just to sit at Jesus’ feet and listen intently, to share a moment of intimacy and connection with him.

It is so easy to let our crazy-busy lives drive us to distraction. Husbands and wives are busy serving in so many ways. Our children require a great deal of attention and emotional and physical energy. Our jobs are as demanding as ever as companies strive to do more with fewer employees. Church is another place where service, as important as that is, can leave us drained and distracted.  

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All of this serving can leave your marriage without the intimacy that comes from simply focusing solely on each other. How often do you give your husband or wife your 100% full attention, without a hundred distractions competing for your thoughts and emotions? How often does your marriage get the leftovers, after you’ve poured yourself into everything else?

One Thing Is Needed
When Martha complains to Jesus that Mary should to get up and do her fair share, Jesus tells her, “You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed.” Then he explains to Martha that “Mary has chosen what is most important.”

Do you regularly make your wife or husband your “one thing” or do you let the “many things” distract you and detract from the intimacy in your marriage? 

Just like focused time with Jesus fuels our intimacy with him, so is focused time with your spouse essential for marital intimacy.

I know there are many things competing for your time, attention and energy. I understand that completely. But you and your spouse are one, and that distinguishes your marriage relationship from everything else in your life. You aren’t one with your kids. You aren’t one with your boss. You aren’t one with your pastor or church. 

A 7-Day Challenge
I want to challenge you to try a “one thing” experiment over the course of the next week. 

During these seven days, I want you to spend some time each day letting your wife or husband be your “one thing.” It doesn’t have to be a long time, but it does need to be daily. You don’t have to sit at his or her feet, but you do need to give each other your completely undivided attention. Make this time all about your spouse and your marriage.

During this time, be sure to connect intimately in multiple dimensions. 

• Spiritual intimacy can come in the form of praying together, sharing needs, sharing a meaningful verse or scripture, or talking about what God is teaching you in this season. 
• Emotional Intimacy includes things like talking about your marriage, sharing the day’s best and worst moments with each other. If you need a little help in this area, download the “20 Questions for Romantic Connections” that I shared with you in my previous Marriage Monday post. 
• Physical Intimacy is often the first thing to go when we are distracted and exhausted. Renew your commitment this week to make sexual intimacy a high priority. Maybe seven days in a row is completely out of reach, so go for 3 or 4. In addition, make sure to include a lot of physical touch, snuggling and kissing in your daily “one thing” time. 

In recent Marriage Monday posts, Brad, Kate and Beth have all made the case for making your marriage a top priority, second only to your relationship with Jesus.  

Today I’m asking you to take action by taking up this 7-Day challenge!

Be purposeful about settings aside time daily to focus exclusively on each other and on the intimacy in your marriage. My guess is that at the end of the week, you won’t want to stop!

Do you have some tips to offer for making a daily “one thing” connection in the spiritual, emotional or physical dimensions of your marriage?  I hope you will stop back by and share your experience with the challenge.

WHEN YOU DREAM

Marriage Monday!

Great to hear from Brad Aldrich for our Marriage Monday post this month. Brad and his wife Kate are adoptive parents and live in Pennsylvania. They write regularly about marriage at their wonderful blog, One Flesh Marriage. 

Some day that darling little boy or sweet adorable baby girl will grow up. As parents, that distant future seems very far away and very close at the same time. It seems like just yesterday I was celebrating our first forever family day welcoming our little one home from Ethiopia, and yet I know that it won’t be long till my babies are moving out, getting married and maybe having babies of their own. 

Do you dream of those days? Do you wonder who your babies will become? What kind of careers they will have?

Who they will marry? 

Every parent dreams of these far off days with a hope that they will be able to give their kids all of the skills they will need to successfully navigate toward a happy future. If you think about it, most of our energies in raising kids are about helping them to develop the skills necessary for their future. 

You want them to have a great career, so you help them do their best in school. You want them to grow in their faith, so you help them get involved in great youth programs and teach them about Jesus. You want them to care for others, so you help them understand the world around them. 

So what are you doing to make sure they will have a great marriage? 

There is only one way to teach a child about marriage. It can’t be taught in books, or in theory; it is only taught by what they see. Your children will start with a model of marriage that is based on your marriage. 

So what are your kids learning?

Are they learning to prioritize marriage? 

Are they learning that sex in marriage is worth waiting for?

Are they learning that marriage takes work but it is so worth it?

Are they learning that love is so much more than a fuzzy feeling?

Are they learning that a one flesh marriage is an amazing lifelong journey?

Or are they learning the opposite?

If you dream of your kids having an amazing marriage one day, make sure you invest some time in your own marriage today to give them a good place to start!

Father God, I ask you now that you would breathe fresh life into my marriage. Where we are weak, strengthen us. I am trusting you to use my relationship with my wife/husband as a source of life for my child(ren). And even now, in faith I ask you for a godly husband for my daughter(s), a godly wife for my son(s). Thank you! Amen.

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YOUR ADOPTION; YOUR MARRIAGE

Marriage Monday!

From Beth:
There is no greater blessing we can give our children than a strong marriage. It is dangerous I think to disregard the existence of the covenant relationship of marriage in adoption discussions. Dangerous for our marriages, and dangerous for our children. Adoption does not happen in a vacuum like that. As a matter of fact, for married parents, it is the existence of the marriage itself that has stirred hearts to adopt! It has been a joy for us at Hope at Home to encourage you in your marriage through our Marriage Monday series. 

Urgent and Important?
It is so easy to become completely absorbed by the needs of your adopted child, and the siblings, and the whole adoption dynamic, that we can forget the needs of our own husband or wife, of the joy and priority of our marriage covenant. Author Stephen Covey speaks about the distinction between urgent and important. Some things are both urgent and important, aren't they? Getting your paperwork completed for your adoption or helping your newly adopted or foster child adjust to his new family are both urgent and important I would say. And some things are urgent, but they aren't that important in the big scheme of things-- like getting to the grocery store so there is something healthy for dinner, or cleaning up a mess. Of course, there are always those things that are neither urgent nor important too--I love a good game of fruit ninja!

I think one of the reasons it is easy for us to neglect our marriages is because for most of us, we easily recognize our relationship with our spouse is important, but it does not often present itself as urgent, especially in the comparison with the in-your-face needs of our children. The needs of our

children are very important of course, however you will find that they are almost always presented to us as Urgent. And because the needs of an adopted child feel so intense, both to our child and to us, it really seems like these needs are always both important and urgent! After 12 years of adoptive parenting one thing I know for sure, the needs of my children are extremely important to me, and they will be there waiting for me when I get home from a date with Stephen, or a weekend away. 

The Needs of Our Children
There is such a strong pull on us parents to meet the needs of our children. We often feel this pull more than any other demand in our lives. And our adopted child's needs can be huge, like a gaping hole that can suck us in with it's urgency.
So, I know for some of us, especially my fellow mommies, this can be counterintuitive to make our marriage relationship a priority. Yet it is a higher priority than most adoption books will tell you. If the foundations of a building are being eaten away, over time the whole building will be wobbly and compromised. And it is clear to me that my marriage is the very foundation of our adoptions.

Your Marriage: An Effective Healing Agent
It is your marriage, your love relationship with your husband or wife, that is the context for your adoption. The environment of your marriage is like a greenhouse-- a divine ecosystem that yields life. But like any greenhouse, it must be maintained. The temperature, light and humidity levels, etc., all create this environment that is perfect for the plants to thrive. Our marriages have the possibility of being a life-giving atmosphere needed for our children to grow. 

A healthy, strong, vibrant marriage is a more effective healing agent than we realize, more effective than focusing  primarily on meeting the needs of your child I believe. Take a look at this inspiring list of benefits from Scott Means--

Benefits of a Strong Marriage:

• It models for your children what a sacrificial love looks like
• It gives them insight into the way God loves us
• It gives your children a greater sense of security--physical, emotional and spiritual
• It shifts the atmosphere of your home
• It demonstrates what healthy, loving relationships look like
• It influences the future of your children's marriages
• It strengthens husband and wife as individuals so they are better able to help their children. 

Your relationship with your spouse is the constant in this adoption journey, friends. Our youngest of seven children just turned 18 last week, so I am here to tell you dear friends that when your children are grown and gone from your house, your husband or wife will still be there. And this covenant relationship you have together is worthy of the priority of our time and effort!

"And each one of them shall be like a hiding place from the wind and a shelter from the storm, like streams of water in a dry place, like the shade of a great rock in a weary land." (Isaiah 32:2)

What ways have you found that work to help nurture your marriage in the context of your adoptive/foster family? I am always looking for new ideas! Leave us a comment!

FINDING TIME

It's so good to hear from Kate again from One Flesh Marriage for our MARRIAGE MONDAY post this month. At Hope at Home we believe that giving attention to our marriages is a primary source of strength for our children, so building up and enjoying our marriage relationship is totally a parenting issue! 

Do you remember the time when you were first married and time was all of your own making? As a couple you chose what to do and when, no little ones to run around here and there. I remember thinking when we were first married that we were soooo busy and yet now when I look back on that time and wonder what we actually did with all of our time. We are in the phase of life where we are running kids to activities each evening as well as serving in church ministries during the week as well as Sunday’s. We limit our three children to ONE activity at a time and yet with three of them that still seems to take up much of our free time. 

Time is elusive, it slips through our fingers as fast as grains of sand and yet finding time for our marriage is incredibly vital. It is vital to our children, to our one flesh connection with our spouse and to our intimate relationship with our Abba Father. Yet, while it is important to all of these things, time is the first thing to go MIA when life and schedules are full to the brim. So we know it is important and we know we need to prioritize it, but how do we actually flesh that out in this hectic life?

Learn to say No

I am sure you knew this was coming . . . but you need to learn to say no to things so that your spouse can be a priority. Sometimes this will be saying no individually and other times as a couple. It may be saying no to work, to friends and even to church. All of these things are amazing and important in our lives, but God has asked us to keep our priorities in order-God first, spouse second, children third and everything else after those three. Learning to say no will truly help you. You can do it; it won’t always be easy but it will be worth it!

What do you do in your free time together?

So you are home with your spouse and have free time-- I know it doesn’t happen often but when it does what do you choose to do with that free time? Do you check Facebook, or watch a game, or fold laundry? Or do you forget all of that for a glorious hour and spend that time with your spouse? 

Our plates are so full that naturally we like to lighten the load when we have free time; I totally get that and fall into the same routine. Yet when you have your spouse with you, make that time about them. It will be an incredible blessing and I assure you that your laundry will still be there when you are done. No laundry fairy here yet, but if you find one, send them our way!

Sneak moments often

When you have those little moments of time to sneak a hug or a kiss or a snuggle-do it! Those moments, though short are good. They are bonding moments and are important to staying close and connected. Don’t be tempted to just skip right over those moments, embrace them (and your beloved) often throughout the day.

10 minutes of the day talk

Decompressing and unwinding from the day is a gift that often times can seem like a task, especially when there is a lot of other things that need done. When your spouse gets home from work, or if you both do, take 10 minutes to sit down together and just talk about both of your days. If you kids are still little, this is a great time for them to watch a video or to be in the high chair getting a snack. This time helps you to understand each other’s day, stresses and joys. It truly is connecting you and husband and wife to share about your day.

Schedule date nights weekly

Yup, weekly! You may be thinking I am crazy. Who has that kind of time or money? I hear you and agree. One of the things we have done that has been incredible is something we call “dinner date nights”. We feed the kids dinner and sit and chat with them as they eat, then after we have tucked them in bed, we have dinner just the two of us in a nice quiet kitchen. If your kids are older and you have the funds, then by all means go out together once a week. These dates don’t have to cost anything really, unless you choose to. Taking time to be close and alone will nurture intimacy. And since I mentioned that, remember to seek out sexual intimacy with your spouse each week too-it is a need in marriage, not just a want. 

Pray

Pray together sometime during your day. Seeking God together is such a wonderful thing. Aren’t sure? Give it a try and see if you are not blessed in incredible ways. There is nothing like your spouse praying for you and for your family. 

These are just a few ways you can begin to find that time once again for your marriage. God wants good things for your marriage and he desires for you to know the fullness of His plan for one flesh. Seek to find time in each day and each week to nurture your marriage together. You will find that all areas of your life will benefit from prioritizing your marriage. Once you carve out that time, it will become so special that you will find you want to carve out more. God will bless you in that. 

What other ways have you learned to carve out time in your marriage? We would love to hear them!

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TIME FOR ROMANCE? YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING!

Welcome back to Scott Means for this month's MARRIAGE MONDAY. At Hope at Home we believe that giving attention to our marriages can only be a blessing to our children. Scott and Jenni are part of Northlands Church and the Hope at Home Team. Many of you will remember Scott from Hope at Home 2011 and 2012, and from his excellent marriage blog, Journey to Surrender.

Do you scoff or cringe at the thought of Valentine’s Day? 

“Who has time and energy for romance? Certainly not me!”

photo credit: evdoha / 123rf.com

I get it that life is crazy sometimes (okay, honestly, most times). There are always so many things bidding for our time, attention and energy. 

Still, I implore you not to write off this season of your life as a romance free era. I know it’s tempting to think that there will be more time to focus on the intimacy in your marriage later on. But the truth is that later never comes. Trust me, I know.

My wife, Jenni, and I have been married more than 30 years, and still our crazy-busy life has a tendency to infringe on the time and effort we give to romancing each other. That is just the day and age we live in.

Romance on a Time and Energy Budget
The thing is, you can romance your spouse without a huge effort. In fact, I often say that little love expressions, done consistently, will have a bigger impact on your relationship than grandiose expressions done only once in a while. 

But here’s the deal: husbands and wives typically have vastly different needs when it comes to love expressions. That whole Mars and Venus thing is pretty true. Wives typically have a desire to feel cared for and emotionally connected and enjoy romantic displays of affection. Husbands, on the other hand, want to feel respected, admired and appreciated and to be shown physical displays of affection. 

So you have to try to give love, not in the way you want it expressed to you, but in the way your spouse wants it expressed. That can be a hard adjustment to make!

Here’s my little love expression list for husbands – in wife-language. 

• Put a little note on the dash of her car that says “I’m thankful that you are my wife.”
• Prepare her coffee or tea. As you hand it to her say “I added extra love.”
• Text her and say “I can’t stop thinking of how much I love you.”
• Invite her to have lunch with you, if that is possible for your work situation.
• On your way home from work, buy her a small treat you know she’ll enjoy for tomorrow’s breakfast.
• When you get home from work, hold her extra long. Say “this is the best part of my day so far.”
• Offer to rub her feet or shoulders while you are watching TV.
• Pour her a glass of wine, ask her about her day, and really listen.

Here is my list for wives, in husband-language: 

• Tell him how much you appreciate how hard he works to provide for the family. Acknowledge the sacrifices he makes on your behalf.
• Ask his opinion about something and follow his suggestion, even if you don’t agree. Note: don’t ask him unless you are willing to take his advice.
• Tell him you want to make him something special for dinner as a show of appreciation. Ask him what he would like to have, and make it for him.
• Don’t correct him for a whole day – not even once (unless it involves life or death). Be aware of every time you are tempted to do so.
• Give him a serious 15 second kiss, and tell him how handsome he is. Yes, ladies, your husband needs to know he is attractive to you.
• Tell him something he does that really turns you on (something not explicitly sexual).
• Wrap your arms around him and tell him how happy you are to be married to him and why.

None of these take a lot of time or effort, but all of them say “I love you” loud and clear. These things are not hard to do, but all of them help to build an atmosphere of romance in your marriage. The key is to do them consistently. 

Date-In Valentines Day Ideas
So what about the big V-Day? 

Maybe you want to celebrate Valentine’s Day this year but a night out just isn’t in the cards: sitters unavailable, adopted child not home long enough yet to leave, budget too tight, getting fixed up just sounds exhausting, or whatever. Because going out always takes more time, energy and money, why not try doing a date at home? 

I have a few low effort date-in ideas to share with you.  These were part of my latest Pathways Newsletter, the monthly email digest on all things related to intimacy in your marriage. (If you want to subscribe to my newsletter, click here. For signing up you also get my free e-book, The 14-Day Intimacy Challenge.) 

I gave husbands the idea to set up a romantic bed-picnic. It is a great date-in plan that can be even more romantic and fun than an expensive meal out. 

“Tell her days in advance to be available after the kids are in bed on Valentine’s day, but don’t give away any more than that. In the morning of the day, give her an invitation to dinner. If you have a little bit of computer savvy, print up an invitation to a romantic picnic - in bed...”

Read the rest of my bed picnic idea and dozens of other romantic suggestions in the February Husband’s Romance Edition of my newsletter.

A date-in idea I gave the wives is to set up an indoor “beach party” after the kids are tucked into bed.

“What you’ll need: bathing suits, beach towels, bright lamps (simulated sunshine), a space heater, a little beach music, coconut oil, and some cold drinks. Beach lounge chairs can add a bit of fun and comfort too. 

“Have him wait (or better yet have him put the kids to bed) while you set up your bedroom, or another room, for the beach party. Heat the room up nice and toasty, spread out the beach towels and pour the drinks…”

You’ll find more details on this idea and many more romantic ideas in the February Wife’s Romance Edition of my newsletter. 

Conversations and Connections

Keeping the romance alive in your marriage requires an intimate connection. Intimacy is all about knowing and being known by your spouse. The best way to do that is through conversation. However, for many husbands, myself included, deep conversation is not their strong suit. 

So for Valentine’s Day, both my newsletters featured a great tool for building intimacy through romantic conversation. Go ahead and download my “20 Questions for Romantic Connections.” Print it out, and keep it handy. Spend a few minutes each day (or every few days) filling in the lists together and connecting over questions like “20 Dream Dates” or “20 Places We Want to See.” 

It’s a fun and easy way to build intimacy. 

Regardless of what you decided to do about Valentine’s Day, I want to encourage you not to wait for an easier time to work on building and maintaining the intimacy in your marriage. Every little bit of effort you put toward it today will pay huge dividends in the future. 

Come on over to our FACE BOOK PAGE and enjoy daily encouragement and community with other adoptive and foster parents, and those who are called to come alongside. 

MARRIAGE ONENESS

Merry Christmas dear friends! May you each experience the PEACE ON EARTH right there in your homes that the angels proclaimed at the birth of our savior!

It's Marriage Monday again here at HOPE AT HOME and this time we are hearing from our good friend and fellow adoptive parent, Kate of  One Flesh Marriage. It's always the season to give attention to our marriages! 

If you have ever lived with another person, which I am assuming all of you have at one time or another, then you know how hard it is to mesh different personalities together. God has blessed in each of us a uniqueness that is all our own. Marriage is one of the places where encountering each other’s personalities, habits, quirks and beautiful differences is most challenging. It can also be the most rewarding. 

Marriage Oneness

The journey of marriage is a journey toward oneness -being completely known by your spouse with all the joys and blemishes. Getting to a place where oneness is nurtured and in forward motion is difficult with two totally different people. No matter how alike you and your hubby are, you are still very different. How do we move forward on this journey to oneness when we have unique and different personalities? Keep in mind that oneness is a journey, not a destination. You will be seeking intimacy and oneness all of your married life; you are not there once you say your vows. Believe me, I was that young, naive bride who thought we had reached the destination once we said “I do.” How wrong I was. Fortunately, God has been gracious with both of us and we are moving forward!

Embrace and Celebrate Your Spouse’s Personality

Just like you, your spouse was made by our most amazing God. We can celebrate our spouse’s personality or we can allow it to bother us. Many times opposites attract, so there will be things about the two of you that seem so different. At first we may think these things are great, then after years of living together they start to grate on our nerves. I used to dwell on all the little things that my hubby did or didn’t do and based them on his personality. I have come to realize how much that hurt him. Lifting them up and praising him for who he is-- that's how God desires me to be. 

Does that mean that when they make a huge pile of clothes on the floor, we just embrace it, smile and move on? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Embracing and lifting up their personality does not mean that we never share how we feel. Those piles are a good opportunity to serve and help your spouse out with organization. Then sometimes it is good to talk about the piles of clothes, if they truly bother you. Talk about how you can work together to a solution that works for both of you. 

Build Intimacy in All Areas

When we take time to build intimacy in all areas of our marriage, we find that there is a softening in our hearts and we are better able to extend grace to our spouse. Four critical areas of intimacy we focus on are: Spiritual intimacy, Physical intimacy, Emotional intimacy and Intellectual intimacy. Do the two of you spend time together in these four ways? 

Every day, you should have the opportunity to build up these areas with your spouse. The main thing that keeps us from focusing on at least one of these things daily is selfishness. We all work hard and at the end of the day many times just want “me” time. I would encourage you to be sure some of that "me" time is “us” time. 

Be Honest About Your Own Pitfalls

It is easy for us to point a finger and bring to light the short- comings of our spouse. Yet one of the best things you can do is to be open and honest about your own pitfalls. Share them with your spouse. They most likely already know them, but knowing that you see them and are trying to work on them, speaks volumes to your spouse and builds intimacy. Keep in mind this is not in a self- deprecating way, but a spirit of understanding the things God wants to refine in you. 

Seek to be the Spouse God Asks And Let Your Personality Shine Through

The question remains, what is our personality and what is something that needs to be refined in us? I believe that seeking God’s word for you as a wife or a husband is the first step. Look up wife or husband in your Bible. Ask God to reveal to you, what he desires for you and the wife or husband. After that settles in, seek God on your personality and how that fits. There may be things he desires to work out of you, and there will be things he wants to bring to the surface to compliment your spouse. How does this flesh out, you may be asking yourself. Here is an example:

If you as the wife are gifted in numbers, you may naturally have taken on the responsibility of paying the bills and handling the budget for the family. There is nothing wrong with that by any means. Yet the husband is designed by God to have a need to provide for his family and to see that provision. Your personality, designed by God is great with numbers. How can you seek God on making both work together? 

Working through these things builds intimacy through seeking God and good communication. Is it going to be easy? Not necessarily; sadly we usually struggle with giving up control in different areas of our lives. Yet, God is faithful and when we are obedient to his word and what he asks of us in our marriage, his word says there will be blessings.

Moving Forward? 

Do you feel that you are moving forward on your one flesh journey or are you stuck in the muck of your own self-focus?  Are personality issues a stumbling block? If you have worked through some of these things and are on the other side looking back, what would you share to help those who are in the valley?

THE CHILDREN POX

Marriage Monday!

Time again to remember how important our marriages are in this adoption journey. Here is another great post from Brad Aldrich at One Flesh Marriage

Does your marriage have a case of the children-pox? The tell-tale signs of this insidious disease manifest when a married couple allows their relationship to be always and only  about the kids. Why is this such a problem in marriages today? 

Before we look at the solution to this problem let’s talk about how many couples contract the illness. 

The Illness:

Contrary to popular belief, this illness is caught long before a couple has their first child. Part of the problem comes from how each of us defines the word happiness. 

Men tend to measure happiness in terms of results and successes. Women tend to measure happiness in terms of relationships. As we are dating both men and women see happiness as the same thing, the advancement of the relationship. Once we are married this changes. 

Men can drift into focus on the next new challenge, often in the form of new work providing for their new responsibility. While men are off hunting their next “result” wives are seeking the "happily ever after" relationship they had always dreamed of. 

Along comes baby, or child either through birth or adoption, and lo and behold many women find exactly what they feel they have been missing, a special relationship with someone who needs them. They throw themselves into the life of this new relationship and the children-pox progresses into a full blown case.

Guys, we often blame our wife for throwing herself into the life of the kids and ignoring us, (it is easy to see the case of pox happening this way), but I would challenge all of you to look further--to look how your relationship, or lack of a relationship with your wife, has contributed to the two of you catching the children pox.

Treat Your Children-Pox:

Early Inoculation:

Any couples reading this who have not jumped into the children stage yet should think about getting your shots before you do! Don’t get me wrong, I love parenting, but I am really glad that Kate and I had several years of just the two of us before we started having kids. I think this early inoculation of time can really help keep a married couple focused even when kids come along later. For those of you waiting to adopt, be intentional about "storing up" some time together before your child comes home. Those first months are intense and the season of adjustment is demanding on everyone in the family.

Annual Vaccination:

The simplest form of vaccination is a vacation, a vacation away together just the two of you! Once a year take one day or two days, if you can, to run away just the two of you! Spend time away reconnecting, talking, listening, loving, relaxing together! Don’t let money get in the way of this important time away. Budget for it all year if you have to. If you absolutely cannot afford to go away, then propose a kid swap with a couple that you trust. Offer to take their kids for a night or a weekend, while they get away then have them return the favor. That way you can at least have a night with the house all to yourselves. Just remember to spend the time reconnecting, not cleaning!

Monthly Treatment:

Date nights! Having a regular date night with your spouse is critical! Find time to get out of the house just the two of you at least once a month. Don’t be ashamed to schedule your time and put it on the calendar. That way you can prioritize it and honestly tell anyone demanding that time, “I’m sorry but I already have something on the calendar for that time.”

Daily Vitamins:

Make a point to have regular, hopefully daily, conversations with each other that have nothing to do with the kids. What are you doing at work? What are you reading? What are you thinking? Talk! You managed to do it while you were dating; it is time to remember how now. This small dose of time about the two of you will go a long way to keeping the children pox from fully taking over!

What do you do to keep the children-pox at bay in your marriage?

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GIVING YOUR MARRIAGE THE LEFTOVERS

Marriage Monday!

It's that time again friends-- time to remember that the best thing you can do for your children is to have the best marriage possible. Love this post from Kate Aldrich, who along with her husband Brad have a wonderful marriage blog, One Flesh Marriage.

Kate and Brad will be at our Hope at Home 2012 conference for adoptive and foster parents, October 5-6 in Atlanta, GA. 

Only two weeks away -- you can still register. We are so looking forward to seeing you!

Kate says . . . 

When we were dating and first married my hubby and I found there were many things we differed on. Many of these things were a reflection of how we were raised. One of our differences was our feelings on leftovers. Yes, leftovers. I would try to serve the leftovers again later in the week and my dear hubby was not so keen on them. 

I have to admit; many times leftovers are not as appealing as making a new, fresh meal. How do leftovers apply to marriage? Well for many years our marriage was stuck in our own selfishness, and we ended up giving each other nothing but leftovers. We fell into a routine of giving of ourselves to everything we “needed” to do first, and then being frustrated when there was little left over for our marriage. 

When I think on this or feel myself being pulled in all directions, wanting to leave only leftovers, this scripture comes to mind. 

“Honor the LORD with your wealth, with the first fruits of all your crops” 

Proverbs 3:9 NIV

In our lives we are asked to honor God by giving him the first fruits of our lives. Yes this includes our money and material wealth, but it also means our first fruits of who he made us to be-- our time, our talents and our callings. Then, if we are married we are called to prioritize our spouse next. Bringing the next fruits to them-not the leftovers. 

This is modeled for us in the relationship Christ (the groom) has with the church, us (his bridegroom). Christ’s first priority—after obeying and glorifying the Father—was the church. In Jesus’ example we can see that giving our spouse our leftovers is not going to result in the one flesh connection we truly desire to have. If we want that bond, that true feeling of being completely known and accepted, then we cannot settle for giving leftovers. 

You might say, “Ugh, but life is so hard, I have meetings to attend, dinner to make, emails to respond to, babies attached to my hips, extended family responsibilities, toilets to clean, children to rock to sleep, Iphone games to play, facebook to check....” 

The list goes on and on! 

All of these things have their time and place; some have more importance than others. Yet not one of them should go before your spouse on a regular basis. There are times that our children have to come first for a short time, or a work project takes priority. When those times happen it should all be with the goal to get back to God first, Spouse second, children third and everything else fourth. 

Practical ways to keep priorities in order:

Evaluate what you are doing with free time 

You know that time during the day when both you and your spouse are free to do what you want? In that time, are you doing separate things? I tend to get flack for this, but that time should be spent together. If you prioritize that time together, you will find that you are refreshing your marriage. 

Does that mean you have to EVERYTHING together? No, but it means you make every effort to spend some alone time each day, as well as be in each other’s presence for the rest of that time. After our kids are in bed for the night, we go to our room and that is our time. We enjoy quiet-intimate time together as well as do our daily devotions, read our books, watch an occasional movie and other things we enjoy as a couple.  

Share where you struggle and ask your spouse to help

I’ll admit it is hard to be open and vulnerable, to admit where I struggle. Yet, I love that I have a safe place to share that, with my hubby. He knows me, understands me better than anyone else on earth and loves me regardless of my weaknesses. He also wants to lead me to be the best servant of Christ I can be. I love that about him. 

I share when I am struggling and he helps me to put it all in perspective as well as come up with some ways to help the situation. If we are able to share the ways we feel pulled away from making our marriage a priority, most spouses will be touched and willing to pray and help. Being vulnerable and having that trust, keeps your one flesh journey moving forward. 

Pray and seek God’s word

God never fails to amaze me with his steadfast faithfulness. Seeking Him through prayer and His Word is essential to keeping from serving leftovers to your spouse. We have all heard it said, “Never underestimate the power of prayer”, yet how often we do seek other ways to work on our struggles first? Give God the first of your struggles, then your spouse next. These biblical principles are there for a reason, give them a try!

Do you feel like you struggle with giving your spouse your “leftovers”? If so, share how you have overcome this trap in marriage. 

See you at Hope at Home 2012!

THREE TRUTHS FOR TOUGH TIMES

Marriage Monday

We always look forward to hearing from Scott Means from Journey to Surrender marriage blog. When our marriages are strong, our children are blessed, so we at Hope at Home want to encourage you that time spent on your marriage is part of good parenting! We hope you find this post as timely and encouraging as we have.

You will hear more from Scott on this topic at HOPE AT HOME 2012. For more information and to register, click HERE.

At some point we will all have seasons when we aren’t sure we can face the tough challenges in front of us. Such times of great stress are inevitable. I’m sure the adoptive and foster parents reading this blog are nodding their heads in agreement. 

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The source of my current stress is some especially tough challenges I’m facing at work. I know that difficulties with family and children have a more severe emotional impact than job issues, but the things I want to share with you are universal – they apply no matter the source of your troubles. 

What follows are three truths that have helped me recently. I pray they do the same for you.

We Become What We Behold

I don’t know who coined the phrase, “we become what we behold,” but the principle is clearly a scriptural one. 

“And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory…” (2 Corinthians 3:18 NIV) 

The truth is that whatever we keep our focus on has a significant impact on us either positively or negatively. It’s easy to get caught up in our problems. More than once in the past few weeks I’ve found myself completely absorbed by my circumstances, and I’ve discovered that the more I dwell on them, the more of my life they overtake.  

But when I am able to focus on the Lord and on His many amazing and wonderful attributes, my troubles no longer determine my demeanor. When compared to the magnificence of His hugeness, the size of my difficulties is diminished.  When I gaze upon his beauty, the ugliness of the world is dimmed.  When I abide in His presence, I feel the protection of His strength and the warmth of His passionate love for me. When I’m talking to God and listening to His voice, the lies of the enemy are silenced. 

So, as the twelfth chapter Hebrews encourages us, let us determine to “fix our eyes on Jesus,” so that our struggles don’t cause us to “grow weary and lose heart.” 

Keeping our eyes on Jesus isn’t necessarily easy, and that brings me to my next bit of truth.

Together is Always Better

On several occasions over the past few weeks, my wife has been a great source of encouragement to me. More than just a listening ear, which is helpful, she has reminded me to look to Jesus. 

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I am thankful to have a spouse who points me toward the goodness and greatness of the Lord. That is also the kind of spouse I endeavor to be for her. The truth is that together we can face more than either of us can separately.

I’m not talking about preaching at your wife or husband. I’m not talking about making him or her feel guilty for their struggles. I’m talking about being a constant source of little encouragements. 

• Pray together and pray for each other out loud
• Let your spouse know you are praying for them individually
• Send little notes, texts or emails of encouragement with words of truth
• Find and share scriptures that speak truth into to your spouse’s circumstances
• Remind each other of past times when God’s goodness has saved the day

One other really important thing about helping each other in times of hardship: love each other unconditionally. It’s easy to let difficulties come between you, as we withdraw into ourselves to deal with our issues. But if you can push past your circumstances and reach for each other with love and intimacy in times of difficulty, it will strengthen your marriage like little else can.  

Celebrate the Good Stuff

On the advice of a friend and ministry mentor, my wife has recently started making little lists of things to celebrate. He wisely advised her that when faced with a difficult relationship or circumstance, to make a short list of things to celebrate about the person or situation. Keep it handy; remind yourself of them often.

The many positives in our lives can easily get swallowed up by the negatives unless we are purposeful about recalling and celebrating the many praiseworthy blessings we have. 

Applying this idea to my work stress, I can celebrate the fact that I have a steady, good-paying job when so many are facing unemployment. I can celebrate that I’ve had the rare privilege of working for the same company for 28 years. In the face of the craziness, I can celebrate the fact that management is choosing to invest in my product lines in an unprecedented manner.

This “celebration list” is actually an extrapolation of the principle of becoming what you behold. By choosing purposefully to celebrate the good, the bad is naturally diminished. Amplifying your blessings has a way of shrinking your problems. 

Since I’m a marriage blogger at heart, I want to close by encouraging you to celebrate your marriage as well. I have a short series on my blog, Journey to Surrender, entitled The Power of Positive. It includes suggestions on ways you can transform your marriage by positive Thinking, Speaking and Doing. 

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