MARRIAGE MONDAY: A WINNING STRATEGY

We sure hope to see you at Hope at Home 2014! Join us September 26-27 in Atlanta for the refreshing and encouragement and help we all need as adoptive and foster parents. 

From Scott:

The name of my blog is Journey to Surrender.  I’ve been blogging there on how to have a surrendered marriage for almost four years. Yet I never really thought about the origin of the word “surrender” until recently. I have no idea why it took me so long to come around to this discovery. 

What do you think of when you hear the word surrender? Do you think of one party being defeated by the other? Do you imagine a total loss? Do you think it means giving up? Maybe you picture a white flag. 

Nope. Not even close. At least not in marriage anyway.

Surrender in Marriage

The word surrender actually comes from two Anglo-Norman French words: sur and render. Let's break it down:

    1. Sur - a prefix meaning over and above. Think surcharge or surtax. Something you pay over and above regular charges or normal taxes.

    2. Render - to give. To hand over. To abandon oneself entirely to.

Put these two together and what do you have? You have the very heart of marital surrender:

To go over and above in giving to your 

spouse, including giving yourself.

Surrender in marriage is not giving up. It’s not even giving in. No! Surrender in marriage means giving over. It means holding nothing back when it comes to your relationship with your spouse.

In order to understand what something is, it is sometime helpful to examine the opposite. In marriage, the opposite of surrender is withholding.

Why We Withhold

Withholding in marriage usually takes two basic forms. 

The first is withholding when it comes to meeting your spouse’s needs. This is most often out of a fear of lack. “What if I give and give and never get my needs met?” This fear-based withholding generates self-protection, self-promotion and self-centeredness. This can also generate a “give-to-get” attitude; one that gives in order to get something in return. Especially when we are feeling needy ourselves, the idea of giving more generously is typically the furthest thought from our minds.

The second kind of withholding has to do with trying to hide your true self from your spouse. This often also comes out of fear. We fear not being accepted or loved as we are, with our weaknesses and shortcomings. Withholding yourself from your spouse can also come from fear’s evil twin, shame. Shame is a powerful emotion that causes us to hide from others, even from the one we are joined to in marriage. 

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A One-Flesh Paradigm

In our modern world you often hear the “50-50 marriage” held up as the ideal. Equality and fairness are the measuring sticks of a success relationship, we are told. Such high ideals are hard to argue with, right?

But I’d like to suggest to you that they aren’t really biblical ideals. As is so often the case, the Kingdom’s perspective on marriage is rather upside-down from worldly wisdom. 

The truth is that you and your spouse are one. That’s how the Bible describes marriage. If you really believe that you are one with your spouse, then withholding, whether it be in meeting their needs or in revealing your true self, actually makes no sense. 

In a one-flesh, surrendered marriage, only a 100-100 approach makes sense, where each of you is all in, with a goal of out-giving, out-serving and out-loving each other. When you fail to meet your spouse’s needs, you are actually hurting yourself at the same time, but when you bless your spouse, you are blessed too! After all, you are one!

The other implication of an “all in” surrendered approach to marriage means a willingness to be naked (emotionally, physically and spiritually) with your spouse. Such nakedness and transparency requires you to let go of fear and shame and to believe in your spouse’s love and good will toward you and be willing to graciously accept the grace they extend to you. Further, you must also be willing to extend grace to your spouse as they struggle to be naked and real before you.

If you want intimacy, in all its forms, you have to be willing to be transparent and real, because fake intimacy is a non-starter. True intimacy requires that you be fully known, and to be fully known, you’ve got to get naked in every sense of the word.

Love Like That

Now to be clear, giving yourself is not losing yourself or denying who you are, but bringing the fullness of who you are into your marriage in order to serve and bless your spouse and strengthen your relationship. Just like Jesus brought the fullness of himself, fully God and fully man, to the cross for our benefit, in order to live in intimacy with us forever:

A surrendered marriage isn’t the easiest or more natural path, but I believe it is the best path for every marriage. I believe it’s the path that God wants to put our marriage on. Ask Him to help you move in that direction. It’s a prayer He longs to answer, because He is very  much for your marriage.

I’ll leave with one of my favorite passages of Scripture that I think cuts to the core of a surrendered marriage:

Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.  Ephesians 5:2 (MSG)

MARRIAGE MONDAY: HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR POSTURE

From Scott Means:

I'll admit it. I have pretty poor posture. It's not something I am proud of, and I know it's not good for me. When I spend a lot of time at the computer, which between my job and blogging, is often, I end up with a lot of aches in my neck, shoulders and back. (Don't worry I'll get to how this relates to marriage soon.)

Today, when my neck started to ache, I went online in search of some stretching and posture tips for computer users. Through my search, I discovered that there are actually things you can do to improve your posture. I mean, more than just sitting up straight (I can hear my mother now) or standing without a slouch. You can actually build a better posture. 

(andreypopov/123rf.com)

Okay, I'm sure you aren't reading a marriage post in order to figure out how to sit or stand properly, so let me get to my point. As I was reading these tips, I was struck by the importance of posture in marriage and how it relates to the relationship between husband and wife, and by the fact that you can actually take steps to improve your posture. 

As you know, posture (the noun) is defined as the relative position of the parts of something. However, it can also be defined as one's mental attitude or frame of mind. Both of these definitions have bearing on marriage. 

Marriage Posture - Position

The positioning aspect of your marriage posture has to do with keeping things in proper alignment. As with your physical posture, keeping the parts of your body in proper alignment is the key to supporting your weight in healthy and sustainable manner. It works the same in marriage. Having your marriage in proper alignment will help your marriage support the burdens of life and keep your relationship healthy for the long haul.

What is biblical alignment when it comes to marriage? God explains that to us in His Word, interestingly enough, using the analogy of a body. Ephesians 5 explains the proper alignment in marriage is for the husband to be the head and the wife to be the body, in the same way that Christ is the head of the church, his body, his bride. 

In addition to describing the husband as the head, the Ephesian 5 passage goes on to explain that wives should "stay in alignment" with their husbands. The Greek word used to describe this alignment is hupotasso, a word that is typically translated into submit or submission. The Greek lexicon that most scholars rely on says this word literally means, "to arrange one’s self under." It also means "a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden."

Not everyone agrees with what the Bible says about alignment in marriage. The notion of headship and submission is offensive to some. I get that. But the Bible is pretty explicit about how a marriage should be aligned. I think God put it there for our benefit and not to diminish us. God wants marriages to be aligned so they can be strong, healthy and enduring.

I believe that many people who struggle with biblical marriage posture, do so because they don't think about it with the right frame of mind. That leads me to the second definition of posture: attitude. 

Marriage Posture - Attitude

The attitude aspect of your marriage posture has to do with thinking about your marriage in the right way - with the right frame of mind.

Immediately when you start to talk about headship and submission, people start to get all kinds of wrong ideas about what that means. 

Some imagine it means the husband is the boss. But there  is a different Greek word that means boss, and that's not the one Paul uses in Ephesians 5 to describe the headship of husbands. There is also nothing in Ephesians 5 about the husband making all the decisions or barking out instructions to his wife. 

There is also nothing in there telling a husband to make his wife submit. It is clear that it is a wife who makes the decision to keep herself aligned under her husband or not. Headship does not infer control or dictatorship.

I've also heard a number of well-meaning but incorrect analogies: pilot/co-pilot, captain/first mate, CEO/VP. These each fall short of the kind of alignment God intends for marriage.

The truth is, the only way of thinking about your marriage, the only model that is biblical, is the one-flesh relationship between Christ and the Church. 

'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. Ephesians 5:31-32

Posture According to the Bridal Paradigm

The implications of this model, this bridal paradigm as it is known, are as vast as they are beautiful and empowering. 

For husbands this means:

• Loving his wife as selflessly and unconditionally as Christ loves the church. 
• Giving up his rights and laying down his life for his wife
• Using his leadership position to serve his wife
• Doing all in his power to see his wife come into her destiny in God
• Beautifying and covering his wife with his love and grace.
• Being both strong and good, just like Jesus

For wives this means:

• Voluntarily keeping herself aligned with her husband's leadership
• Showing her husband respect in all things
• Leaning on him and trusting him to care for her
• Serving her husband with the gift of her submission
• Partnering with him to see that he reaches his destiny in God

I summarize this marriage attitude as being one of mutual surrender. Not surrender in the sense of giving up, but surrender in the sense of giving over. It means both husband and wife bringing the entirety of yourself to your marriage, warts and all, for the benefit of your spouse and for the good of your marriage. It means giving yourself completely to your spouse, and holding nothing back. 

Intimacy is the goal; surrender is the path that takes your there. 

 One Flesh Posture

The Bible says that husband and wife are one, just as Christ and the church are one. This is the great mystery of marriage. It's not something you have to work for, it's something you already are by virtue of the fact that you are married. Isn't that fantastic?! 

So why not enjoy the fruit of the oneness you already share. Being one means:

• There is no need to jockey for position, to keep score or to fight for your rights. In a one-flesh marriage, relationship trumps rights. (You might want to read my recent post, "What If...You and Your Spouse Really Are One." for more on how to enjoy being one flesh.) 
• Being one includes every aspect of your beings: body, soul and spirit. Nothing is off limits.
• Rather than striving and dividing carefully to make sure everything is 50/50 and fair, you both go for 100/100 - both of you giving freely of your selves. 
• When your spouse "wins," then you do to!

My hope and prayer is that every marriage would be full of the power, beauty, grace and strength that flows from a marriage that has the right posture - the posture that God describes in His Word.

MARRIAGE MONDAY: THE 4 P'S OF PASSION

From Scott Means:

What’s your passion? Think about it. How do you answer that question?

I imagine that adoption would be pretty high on your list of passions. Otherwise, why would you be reading the Hope at Home blog? Hopefully your passion for God would be up there too.

Where would your marriage rate among your list of passions? How would your spouse rank?

Taking Cues From Christ

Did you know that Jesus is passionate about you? Did you know that God feels powerful affection for you? Yes, God’s love for you is full of zeal, desire and fiery passion! He delights in you.

Does that notion make you uncomfortable? 

We know we are made in God’s image. So if we experience such emotions, so does He. God invented passion and desire, and they are good. The Bible is the story of God, the lover, looking for an eternal bride. How could God, who is love, not feel passionate about his bride? (Now, obviously I am not talking about sexualizing our relationship with God, but the spiritual parallel.)

I think it’s interesting and fitting that we speak of Jesus’ ultimate expression of love for us, laying down his life, as “the passion of Christ.”

Stir Up Your Passion

Our marriages are supposed to reflect the relationship between Christ and the church, so our marriages, too, are to be full of passion!

What does it mean to have a passionate marriage?  When I refer to passion in marriage, I am not only speaking about sexual intimacy, although it certainly includes that.  But passion goes beyond having things steamy in the bedroom.  Passion also refers to having an underlying sense of excitement and fervor about your spouse and your marriage, having a relationship full of intensity, joyfulness and unbridled enthusiasm in both the sexual and non-sexual dimensions of your relationship.

Having a passionate marriage starts with the decision that passion is something you want. Make it a conscious goal, and then set about being purposeful in pursuing it.  

Below I list four P’s to help you put passion on the front burner of your marriage relationship. 

Pursuit

Never stop pursuing each other, no matter how long you’ve been married. Be aware of what makes your spouse feel loved and desired, and do those things regularly. Think back to when you were dating. Wasn’t most of your attention focused on the pursuit of the relationship, pursuit of the one you eventually “captured?” Well the pursuit should never stop! Be diligent and relentless in your pursuit of one another. It lets your spouse know you would choose him or her all over again, and that gives a definite boost to the passion in your relationship!

Playfulness

When was that last time you intentionally did something fun together, for no other reason than because it was fun? When was the last time you laughed together? When was the last time you did something new and/or exciting just because you felt like it? Help keep passion alive by at least occasionally being playful or adventurous and stepping outside your normal routine. Routine can tend to squash passion, so be willing to step outside your comfort zone once in a while. Infuse your marriage with a little wonder, creativity and excitement!

Positivity

A daily dose of genuine thankfulness can work wonders for keeping passion alive. It’s easy and natural to focus on the things about your spouse that bother you, but that’s a total passion killer.  The best way to fight off those negative thoughts is to develop a habit of being grateful.  Make sure you aren’t taking the good stuff in your marriage and spouse for granted, which can tend to happen over time. Make it a point to say your thanks and appreciation out loud to your spouse and to others - frequently.   

Pleasure

Obviously pleasure and passion go hand in hand! For starters, make sex a priority in your relationship, and don’t settle for anything less. In addition to the pleasure of physical intimacy, make time for daily pleasures such as reading, being outside, sipping a cup of tea, listening to music – whatever feeds your soul. Seek pleasure by learning to enjoy the process of doing the things on your over-packed to-do list, not just the relief of being done with them. Be watchful over your own pleasure, but especially make sure your spouse is also purposefully seeking out pleasure, and occasionally do something for no other reason than to delight each other. Of course, don’t forget about seeking spiritual pleasure! 

Too Pooped for Passion?

If your life is anything like mine, you already have too much on your plate. I can read your thoughts, “How can I find time and energy for passion?”

The truth is that passion is 90% mindset and 10% effort. There are lots of ways to include pursuit, playfulness, positivity and pleasure that don’t require much effort at all. It starts with the awareness that passion is important and a desire to keep the passion in your relationship alive. 

It is mostly a matter of doing the little things on a daily basis that keep passion stirred up. Here are few ideas for pumping up the passion in your marriage that don’t require a lot of effort:

• Pay attention to your spouse’s preferences. Does he or she like you in certain colors or outfits? Is there a certain cologne or perfume that they like? Wear them.
• Write little notes or texts. Be fun and flirty. Express your love, your attraction, your affection and devotion.
• Kiss! Make a habit of greeting each other with a kiss whenever one of you enters or leaves the house. Try for a ten second kiss (no, don’t time it, just hold it a little extra longer than usual).
• When you are at the store, pick up a little treat, a card or a flower for your spouse – just because. 
• Tell your spouse how happy you are to be married to him or her and why. You don’t have to gush, just be honest with your appreciation and admiration.
• Once the kids are in bed, take five or ten minutes to share a glass of wine (or tea or whatever) and just talk together. Yes, there will be at least a dozen other more urgent things to attend to, but do it anyway, because little else is more important. You will be glad you did.
• Rent a funny movie or play your favorite game of cards. 

Are you ready to up the passion level in your marriage? What other passion boosting suggestion do you have to share?  Leave your ideas in a comment. 

Come over to Facebook and join the conversation with other adoptive and foster parents like you. 

MARRIAGE MONDAY: THE VERY MOST IMPORTANT THING

It's Marriage Monday again here at Hope at Home. We get to hear from Scott Means today, and that is always a treat! You can read more from Scott at his popular marriage blog, Journey To Surrender.

Intimacy is Choosing Relationship Over Rules

It’s a timely question for the upcoming Advent season. Do you know why God sent Jesus to the earth? Go ahead, think of your answer. 

If you said, “To provide the way to forgive us for our sins,” you’d be partly right. But only partly. 

What was the real reason for Jesus? Intimacy.

I see that questioning look on your face, so let me explain. 

The truth is that God, whose very nature is Love, sent Jesus to claim for Himself an eternal bride. He was and is after intimacy with us, both now and for always. Sure, the sin had to be dealt with because it was in the way of intimacy. But intimacy with you and me was the goal.

auremar / 123rf.com

It’s Not About The Rules

There are those who might also have answered my question about why Jesus came to earth this way, “To get us to live right according to God’s laws.”

Surely not, you say? Well, a 2009 Barna study found that 81% of believers think that Christianity is mostly about following the rules. I bet that breaks God’s heart, because what He really wants is our hearts, not our conformance to a set of rules (many of which we have created for ourselves).

Our striving to “shine up” for God, our struggle to do all the right “God stuff” is actually an inhibitor to the one thing God wants from us more than anything else: intimacy with Him. When we view our acceptability to Him as being based on our performance or our adherence to the rules, we can’t approach our Father due to our feelings of shame and inadequacy.

The truth is that Jesus has given us His righteousness, and nothing we can do can make God love us more, or love us less.  We have every right, and God has every desire for us to draw near to him in intimate fellowship. 

God always chooses relationship over rules.

Rules, Intimacy and Marriage

I’m sure you’re thinking, “Isn’t this supposed to be a marriage post?” 

Well, it is. It very much is. You see, everything I just described about intimacy with God applies to intimacy in marriage. That shouldn’t surprise you, because God designed marriage to be a direct reflection of his love and desire for us, His bride. 

What blocks intimacy more than anything else? Rules. Marriage rules. 

Now the rules of marriage aren’t the same as the rules we attribute to God, but the effect is the same. When we focus more on our spouse’s performance, behaviors and adherence to our expectations, it puts a ceiling on the level of intimacy we can enjoy.

Here are a few examples of the marriage rules, the kinds of things that cause us to judge our spouses:

• A wife expects her husband to help out more around the house
• A couple tries to divide everything 50-50, and both of them are thinking it's 70-30 in their spouse's favor
• A husband expects his wife to want sex as much as he does.
• A wife is critical of her husband's lack of handyman skills, and compares him unfavorably to her father.
• A husband doesn't think his wife keeps things tidy enough for his liking
• A wife thinks her husband should learn to be more romantic
• A husband gets offended every time his wife criticizes his driving

God has hard-wired the human soul with a desire for intimacy. Yet, we are so quick to think and act in ways that inhibit a true intimate connection. We are so drawn to the rules.

Grace – An Invitation to Intimacy

Grace is the antidote to our rules oriented thinking. It’s true with God. It’s true in your marriage. Grace is actually an invitation to intimacy. 

So when you choose to focus on the good things in your spouse, when you let go of your rules and expectations and measures of performance, you are inviting your husband or wife to come closer, to draw near. And isn’t that what we all want? 

Instead of focusing on rules, choose to serve each other without the expectation of getting something in return. Love unconditionally. Seek intimacy over perfection. Trust in your spouse's heart. These are the ways God pursues intimacy with us. It works in marriage too.

So are there some rules you need to let go of in your marriage, some expectations, some measuring sticks, or some performance assessments? Are there some areas where you need to let grace win out, to let grace serve as an invitation to intimacy?

MARRIAGE MONDAY: IT'S TRUE, YOU CAN CHANGE THE WEATHER!

Scott, from Journey to Surrender, shares for our Marriage Monday. Take a few moments to ready this fellow parents, letting the truths shared strengthen our marriages. 

To hear more from Scott, and his wife Jenni, join us at Hope at Home 2013. They will be leading a breakout on marriage that you won't want to miss. Register Today!

No, of course I'm not talking about the actual weather conditions outside. I'm talking about changing the climate in your marriage.

Few of us realize how the things we say and do (or don't say and don't do) affect the atmosphere of our marriages and homes. Too frequently we settle for whatever happens to just blow in. 

It's time to get unstuck from the current weather patterns!

The amazing thing is that it actually isn't that difficult to change the weather when it comes to your marriage. I think we sometimes think it takes a herculean effort and so we don't see the point in trying. The truth is, you can greatly impact the atmosphere of your relationship simply by doing little things that don't require much effort. 

Clear Away the Fog

It's easy to let the cares of daily life settle like a fog over your marriage. By simply being attentive and making a point of having a few small positive interactions each day, you can help lift that fog:

• Tell your spouse you are thankful to be married to him or her, and give a specific reason.
• Offer words of appreciation for something specific he or she did. It doesn't need to be a monumental thing either.
• Make eye contact and hold their gaze while you smile. When it prompts a "What?" in return, just say "I'm so in love with you."
• Slip a note into your spouse's lunch that just says "You are God's favorite. Mine too!"

Rain Down a Little Kindness and Consideration

Small, thoughtful actions, done on a consistent basis, do more to change the climate of your marriage than do grand demonstrations that happen infrequently: 

• Make your spouse coffee or tea in the morning, just the way they like it
• Put on his or her favorite scent.
• Stop off at a bakery and buy him or her a little treat 
• Wear something you know your spouse appreciates. 

Create Your Own Heat Wave 

Believe it or not, it’s not that difficult to put a little sizzle back into your marriage: 

• Get your flirt on. Few couples realize the value of continuing to flirt long after you are married. Send a few flirtatious text messages. 

• Kiss. A lot. Kissing is such an easy way to maintain a physically intimate connection. I recently wrote a post called "10 Ways to Change Up Your Kissing Routine"
• Physical touch releases oxytocin, a hormone that promotes emotional connection. Non-sexual touch counts too! Hold hands. Hug. Snuggle. 
• Initiate a night of intimacy. It doesn't have to be a big production. Just taking the initiative conveys to your spouse that they are desired.

Lower the Atmospheric Pressure

Stress can really put a stranglehold on the intimacy in your marriage like little else can. You won't always be in a position to help relieve your spouses stress level, especially if you are struggling yourself. Here again, little things can make a big difference.

• Text your spouse and ask him or her how you can pray for them today. Then do it.
• Offer a short foot, neck or back massage before bed to help your spouse unwind and rest better.
• Do a small chore or errand that your spouse usually does. Don't ask or tell them, just let them discover it on their own.
• Put together a "de-stress" play list that he or she can use to relax. 

The little things listed above can add up to a significant shift in climate. Don't believe me? I challenge you to spend one week doing several of these little things every day and see what happens. I can almost guarantee a positive shift in the atmosphere. 

Do you have some other weather-changers to offer? Leave a comment below. 

MARRIAGE MONDAY: YOUR MARRIAGE AND THE ONE THING

From Scott Means:

You have probably heard the story of Mary and Martha dozens of times. (If you want to reread the account in Luke 10 click here.) As familiar as this story is, have you ever tried to apply this scripture to your marriage? 

On my blog, Journey to Surrender, I often explore ways in which spiritual truths translate into marital truths. After all, our relationship to Jesus as our bridegroom is a picture of what marriage is designed to be. How excellent is it that we get to be “married” to the one who designed marriage in the first place? 

So back to our story of Mary and Martha. There are two phrases in these verses that strike me as important in applying them to your marriage. 

Distracted with Much Serving

Verse 40 of Luke 10 says that Martha was “distracted with much serving” as she went about making preparations for their guest, Jesus. She was probably cleaning and preparing food and serving it, making sure everything was just right for their dear friend and honored guest. Mary, on the other hand, was satisfied just to sit at Jesus’ feet and listen intently, to share a moment of intimacy and connection with him.

It is so easy to let our crazy-busy lives drive us to distraction. Husbands and wives are busy serving in so many ways. Our children require a great deal of attention and emotional and physical energy. Our jobs are as demanding as ever as companies strive to do more with fewer employees. Church is another place where service, as important as that is, can leave us drained and distracted.  

auremar/123rf.com

All of this serving can leave your marriage without the intimacy that comes from simply focusing solely on each other. How often do you give your husband or wife your 100% full attention, without a hundred distractions competing for your thoughts and emotions? How often does your marriage get the leftovers, after you’ve poured yourself into everything else?

One Thing Is Needed
When Martha complains to Jesus that Mary should to get up and do her fair share, Jesus tells her, “You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed.” Then he explains to Martha that “Mary has chosen what is most important.”

Do you regularly make your wife or husband your “one thing” or do you let the “many things” distract you and detract from the intimacy in your marriage? 

Just like focused time with Jesus fuels our intimacy with him, so is focused time with your spouse essential for marital intimacy.

I know there are many things competing for your time, attention and energy. I understand that completely. But you and your spouse are one, and that distinguishes your marriage relationship from everything else in your life. You aren’t one with your kids. You aren’t one with your boss. You aren’t one with your pastor or church. 

A 7-Day Challenge
I want to challenge you to try a “one thing” experiment over the course of the next week. 

During these seven days, I want you to spend some time each day letting your wife or husband be your “one thing.” It doesn’t have to be a long time, but it does need to be daily. You don’t have to sit at his or her feet, but you do need to give each other your completely undivided attention. Make this time all about your spouse and your marriage.

During this time, be sure to connect intimately in multiple dimensions. 

• Spiritual intimacy can come in the form of praying together, sharing needs, sharing a meaningful verse or scripture, or talking about what God is teaching you in this season. 
• Emotional Intimacy includes things like talking about your marriage, sharing the day’s best and worst moments with each other. If you need a little help in this area, download the “20 Questions for Romantic Connections” that I shared with you in my previous Marriage Monday post. 
• Physical Intimacy is often the first thing to go when we are distracted and exhausted. Renew your commitment this week to make sexual intimacy a high priority. Maybe seven days in a row is completely out of reach, so go for 3 or 4. In addition, make sure to include a lot of physical touch, snuggling and kissing in your daily “one thing” time. 

In recent Marriage Monday posts, Brad, Kate and Beth have all made the case for making your marriage a top priority, second only to your relationship with Jesus.  

Today I’m asking you to take action by taking up this 7-Day challenge!

Be purposeful about settings aside time daily to focus exclusively on each other and on the intimacy in your marriage. My guess is that at the end of the week, you won’t want to stop!

Do you have some tips to offer for making a daily “one thing” connection in the spiritual, emotional or physical dimensions of your marriage?  I hope you will stop back by and share your experience with the challenge.

TIME FOR ROMANCE? YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING!

Welcome back to Scott Means for this month's MARRIAGE MONDAY. At Hope at Home we believe that giving attention to our marriages can only be a blessing to our children. Scott and Jenni are part of Northlands Church and the Hope at Home Team. Many of you will remember Scott from Hope at Home 2011 and 2012, and from his excellent marriage blog, Journey to Surrender.

Do you scoff or cringe at the thought of Valentine’s Day? 

“Who has time and energy for romance? Certainly not me!”

photo credit: evdoha / 123rf.com

I get it that life is crazy sometimes (okay, honestly, most times). There are always so many things bidding for our time, attention and energy. 

Still, I implore you not to write off this season of your life as a romance free era. I know it’s tempting to think that there will be more time to focus on the intimacy in your marriage later on. But the truth is that later never comes. Trust me, I know.

My wife, Jenni, and I have been married more than 30 years, and still our crazy-busy life has a tendency to infringe on the time and effort we give to romancing each other. That is just the day and age we live in.

Romance on a Time and Energy Budget
The thing is, you can romance your spouse without a huge effort. In fact, I often say that little love expressions, done consistently, will have a bigger impact on your relationship than grandiose expressions done only once in a while. 

But here’s the deal: husbands and wives typically have vastly different needs when it comes to love expressions. That whole Mars and Venus thing is pretty true. Wives typically have a desire to feel cared for and emotionally connected and enjoy romantic displays of affection. Husbands, on the other hand, want to feel respected, admired and appreciated and to be shown physical displays of affection. 

So you have to try to give love, not in the way you want it expressed to you, but in the way your spouse wants it expressed. That can be a hard adjustment to make!

Here’s my little love expression list for husbands – in wife-language. 

• Put a little note on the dash of her car that says “I’m thankful that you are my wife.”
• Prepare her coffee or tea. As you hand it to her say “I added extra love.”
• Text her and say “I can’t stop thinking of how much I love you.”
• Invite her to have lunch with you, if that is possible for your work situation.
• On your way home from work, buy her a small treat you know she’ll enjoy for tomorrow’s breakfast.
• When you get home from work, hold her extra long. Say “this is the best part of my day so far.”
• Offer to rub her feet or shoulders while you are watching TV.
• Pour her a glass of wine, ask her about her day, and really listen.

Here is my list for wives, in husband-language: 

• Tell him how much you appreciate how hard he works to provide for the family. Acknowledge the sacrifices he makes on your behalf.
• Ask his opinion about something and follow his suggestion, even if you don’t agree. Note: don’t ask him unless you are willing to take his advice.
• Tell him you want to make him something special for dinner as a show of appreciation. Ask him what he would like to have, and make it for him.
• Don’t correct him for a whole day – not even once (unless it involves life or death). Be aware of every time you are tempted to do so.
• Give him a serious 15 second kiss, and tell him how handsome he is. Yes, ladies, your husband needs to know he is attractive to you.
• Tell him something he does that really turns you on (something not explicitly sexual).
• Wrap your arms around him and tell him how happy you are to be married to him and why.

None of these take a lot of time or effort, but all of them say “I love you” loud and clear. These things are not hard to do, but all of them help to build an atmosphere of romance in your marriage. The key is to do them consistently. 

Date-In Valentines Day Ideas
So what about the big V-Day? 

Maybe you want to celebrate Valentine’s Day this year but a night out just isn’t in the cards: sitters unavailable, adopted child not home long enough yet to leave, budget too tight, getting fixed up just sounds exhausting, or whatever. Because going out always takes more time, energy and money, why not try doing a date at home? 

I have a few low effort date-in ideas to share with you.  These were part of my latest Pathways Newsletter, the monthly email digest on all things related to intimacy in your marriage. (If you want to subscribe to my newsletter, click here. For signing up you also get my free e-book, The 14-Day Intimacy Challenge.) 

I gave husbands the idea to set up a romantic bed-picnic. It is a great date-in plan that can be even more romantic and fun than an expensive meal out. 

“Tell her days in advance to be available after the kids are in bed on Valentine’s day, but don’t give away any more than that. In the morning of the day, give her an invitation to dinner. If you have a little bit of computer savvy, print up an invitation to a romantic picnic - in bed...”

Read the rest of my bed picnic idea and dozens of other romantic suggestions in the February Husband’s Romance Edition of my newsletter.

A date-in idea I gave the wives is to set up an indoor “beach party” after the kids are tucked into bed.

“What you’ll need: bathing suits, beach towels, bright lamps (simulated sunshine), a space heater, a little beach music, coconut oil, and some cold drinks. Beach lounge chairs can add a bit of fun and comfort too. 

“Have him wait (or better yet have him put the kids to bed) while you set up your bedroom, or another room, for the beach party. Heat the room up nice and toasty, spread out the beach towels and pour the drinks…”

You’ll find more details on this idea and many more romantic ideas in the February Wife’s Romance Edition of my newsletter. 

Conversations and Connections

Keeping the romance alive in your marriage requires an intimate connection. Intimacy is all about knowing and being known by your spouse. The best way to do that is through conversation. However, for many husbands, myself included, deep conversation is not their strong suit. 

So for Valentine’s Day, both my newsletters featured a great tool for building intimacy through romantic conversation. Go ahead and download my “20 Questions for Romantic Connections.” Print it out, and keep it handy. Spend a few minutes each day (or every few days) filling in the lists together and connecting over questions like “20 Dream Dates” or “20 Places We Want to See.” 

It’s a fun and easy way to build intimacy. 

Regardless of what you decided to do about Valentine’s Day, I want to encourage you not to wait for an easier time to work on building and maintaining the intimacy in your marriage. Every little bit of effort you put toward it today will pay huge dividends in the future. 

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