ENLARGED IN THE WAITING

From Beth:

I love the Advent season. Advent is all about waiting in anticipation, not just for the presents of Christmas morning, but for the manifestation of God’s presence—the increase of His kingdom, in this world, in our situations, in our hearts, in our homes. 

We have done a good bit of waiting over the last 15 years of adoptive parenting.  We have waited for paperwork to be approved, for our children to come home, for proficiency in English, for a new normal for our family, for attachment, for healing, for wholeness, for the replacing of an orphan spirit for the Spirit of Adoption that speaks of sonship. 

Our spirits are often full with the promises God has spoken to us. Even as I write, I am filled with the satisfaction of a promise already come to pass as I live out the dream in real life! For, like many of you, our children are home and they are no longer orphans. Oh how wonderful that is!

But there are some of you reading this who are in the waiting- for-your-child-to-come-home stage; you are facing significant obstacles between you and your child being home. I just want to pause this post to add our faith to yours in prayer:

Father God, in faith we believe You for these precious families. We call these children HOME. And we speak to the mountains that would hinder that homecoming and say, Be Moved. Comfort the hearts of our friends who are waiting, and protect these precious treasures who are waiting to come home. Amen. 

For a few other things that are very dear to my heart though, I am still waiting, feeling the weight of the wait! I am waiting for some promises that have yet to be delivered safe and sound into the arms of our lives. Sometimes the weight feels heavy and wearisome. When it does, I find I must be careful not to allow disappointment to sicken my heart. 

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire is fulfilled, it is a tree of life. (Proverbs 13:12 AMP)

Do you ever hear those whispers like I do--the ones that say "give up; it's not going to happen; it is just too hard to continue in hope; the weight of the wait is too burdensome; it would be much easier to quit believing, maybe this is all there is and I should just settle ….."

I am pregnant with a promise from God, and I suspect you are too. For me it is the Promise of Adoption and all that is hidden in the meaning of that word. The promise of deep inner healing for my children, and their wholeness in all areas of their lives--healthy attachment, freedom from the residue of rejection, intimacy with the One who is The Spirit of Adoption.

And in the wait to see the promise delivered I sometimes feel cumbersome, waddling through some days with the weight of it all. 

And it is clear to me that the enemy is always after the unborn life, tempting me to abort that unborn promise--to settle for less.

And I recognize the temptation to defer hope--to postpone hope for some other time, for some other promise. The sacrifice of bearing the unborn promise, nurturing it with the food of faith in what seems like a past term pregnancy, sometimes makes me weary.

BUT then I am reminded that 

God's Love Endures Forever.
Love, God's Love In Me, is Patient. 

The enemy would kill the child. It has always been his way.

But Father God responds with a shout, "LIVE!"

And so I choose to agree with LIFE.

And like a pregnant woman, I am enlarged with the promise rather than diminished by its weight. 

And I see that God is changing me and my children with His promises, and once again I recognize the honor it is to bear such a weight. The stretch marks of the growth process haven’t faded, but they speak a good word to me. They speak to the expansion required by adoption, the shape change in our family and in our hearts. They speak to the pain that comes with growth— the “more” of increase. They are marks of growth in compassion, understanding, patience grace, mercy, and warfare. They are marks that speak to me about who I am becoming in the process.

And I am learning to enjoy His presence with me and in me along the way.   

That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.(Romans 8:24-28 MSG)

IS ADOPTION TOO HARD?

From Beth:

I don't think I've met a parent in the process of adoption with children at home already who doesn't ask this question, in some form or other: 

How will this affect my children? Will they be harmed? What if they are hurt through this decision to adopt? 

We need to ask these questions. Going into adoption with our eyes opened and the rose colored glasses off is important for sure. 

It was a question Stephen and I asked when we first realized God was calling us to adopt. I told the Lord this was fine and good and all, but I couldn't do something that would place our three girls in danger. I told Him that I needed to be sure we really were hearing right. 

So many unknowns. 
So many scary stories and warnings from well-meaning friends. 

So, as with all things in this life, it comes down to this:

What Is God Saying?

As we prayed, Stephen felt the Lord respond to our concerns. God told us that yes, it would be hard on our daughters. It would cost them something. 
But He assured us that it would be the kind of hard that would build them up, not tear them down or bring damage to them. 

And that was all we needed to hear. 

We realized that actually it wasn't our goal to try to create a home where nothing bad or hard ever happened. We weren't looking for a life where our girls had no challenges to overcome. 

In reality, we came to embrace the fact that adoption would bring challenges into our home. And indeed, that has been the case--far more than we anticipated actually. 

How true is it that challenges and hard times are often the very best way to know Jesus in deeper ways?! And that right there is really what our parenting is all about. That is the bottom line. 

So we embrace what is hard, knowing it is all happening in the context of love and in the safety of God's plan for our children, both the ones born to us and the ones grafted in. 

Those of you who had children at home before you adopted or fostered, what helped prepare your children? What helped make the hard times productive for your child?

Here are a few of my thoughts:

1. Prepare children ahead of time by talking about the life your adopted or foster children are experiencing. As much as it is possible for you, begin to create a common history even before the adoption. We were all amazed to find out there was a live webcam in Vyborg, Russia, so we could see the people walking down the street, see what they were wearing and how cold it was. Make use of the internet to find out about the history and culture of the place your child lives. If it is possible, write letters and send gifts as a family. We have some of the sweetest notes from our children to their new siblings and those interchanges did much to connect us as a family. Although this is not possible or wise for everyone, when it is appropriate travel as a family to receive your new child. The common experience you will have as a family in your adopted child's environment will expand understanding and compassion. The week we shared as a family in Russia before each adoption gave us our first family stories, not in our home, but in our adopted children's homes!  
2. Anticipate what is ahead POSITIVELY. We might be tempted to tell our children how hard it is going to be, how they will be jealous and how difficult their new sibling might be. Rather, stress the positive as you prepare for the challenges ahead. Don't ignore the fact that life is about to change, but help your children see their role from a place of strength. For instance you might say, "Sometimes you might feel like you want mommy's attention when I am feeding the new baby (or helping teach your sister English, etc...) You are going to be such a good helper. Isn't it good that God has made you to be the big sister?! You'll get to teach her so many things. Do you think you could teach her how to get dressed by herself like you do? (or help her learn English words?)" Emphasizing the role of the sibling, as the one who can help and give with an open heart will help your children see that things are going to be required of them, but that they can give with love rather than see this season as a time where things are taken from them.
3. Let your children know, not once but over and over and even years after your new child comes home, that there is no topic off limits. They may need to be able to say "I wish we had never adopted," or "I don't like the way it is." Give them the freedom to let you know when they are not doing well with all the "hard" stuff. Make time to let them talk to you, without fear of judgement or correction. This freedom will take you all through many a tough time!
4. See the challenges as an opportune time. Help your child recognize for her/himself that when we are weak it is actually right there that we get to know God and the strength of His love for us in a new, deeper way. Be sure to pray together through the hard times and painful issues. The enemy would love to use this as an opportune time to speak his lies, but God has better plans for your children!!

Read about adoption from the perspective of children born into the adoptive family on our blog by clicking on the Children's Stories tab. 

Do you know an older child who has a story to tell? We are interested in hearing from teen and adult children, both those born into the family and those adopted. (Not every story will be accepted.) 

Email us at hopeathome@northlandschurch.com

8 THINGS TO DO WHILE YOU WAIT {Part II}

From Beth:

So much love and intentionality goes into adoption long before you precious child comes home. Waiting for that moment is far from passive, as I know you all know quite well! Here are 4 more suggestions to make the most of those sometimes painful season of waiting. 

Check out Part I to read points 1-4.

5. Anticipate Positively

We might be tempted to tell our children how hard it is going to be, how they will be jealous and how difficult their new sibling might be. Rather, stress the positive as you prepare for the challenges ahead. Don't ignore the fact that life is about to change, but help your children see their role from a place of strength. For instance you might say, "Sometimes you might feel like you want mommy's attention when I am feeding the new baby (or helping teach your sister English, etc...) You are going to be such a good helper. Isn't it good that God has made you to be the big sister?! You'll get to teach her so many things. Do you think you could teach her how to get dressed by herself like you do? (or help her learn English words?)" 
Emphasizing the role of the sibling, as the one who can help and give with an open heart will help your children see that things are going to be required of them, but that they can give with love rather than see this season as a time where things are taken from them.

6. Listen

Including your children in the decision-making process can be extended all along the way. Keep your family "in the loop" and give them time to respond, especially allowing them to share their fears or negative thoughts. For instance, the decisions that the new sibling will share his brother's room or that the new sister will be older than your birth daughter are best made as a family, allowing the children to share their fears or concerns. Again, this doesn't mean that all decisions are made by your children, but rather that each child knows he or she is valued and heard. 
It can be hard not to become defensive when your children share negative thoughts, but staying calm and encouraging may be all they need to eventually be willing to make the changes demanded of them. So often just being heard is what people, children and adults, really want in time of conflict. 
When our middle daughter expressed that she did not want to have a sister older than her, we took her seriously. However, as it became clear that God was leading us to our precious daughter Kristina, whose birthday turned out to be 2 weeks before Rachel's, we knew we had a situation on our hands. You can read about this situation from Rachel's point of view in her post, but for us it was clear that we needed to communicate with Rachel and then trust God to open her heart. 

7. Connect 

We love to say at our church that parenting is a team sport, and this is even more true with adoption. Indeed, adoption is a team sport! Connecting with people who will be there for you once your new child comes home will be life-giving and on some days you may even say life-saving! 
Don't wait until after your adoption to find help. Hopefully you have people asking what they can do to help--now's the time to say, "Actually I will take you up on it. Thank you!" 
Having meals brought in those first weeks is very helpful. Getting friends or family members to take your daughter to her piano lessons every week or your son to his soccer practice is worth more than you may be able to anticipate. Maintaining some normalcy for your family is very important. So much change and sacrifice will be required, so keeping some things "the way it used to be" will communicate love and security to your children. But you will need help for this. If your child speaks another language you will want to line up someone you can call to translate. Susan tells a wonderful story of the day her daughter wanted (as in, insisted!) to wear her bathing suit to church, and needless to say, translation was needed! 
The help you can get for those first months will diminish any resentment or just simply the stress that your children may deal with.

8. Create a Common History 

As much as it is possible for you, begin to create a common history even before the adoption. We were all amazed to find out there was a live webcam in Vyborg, Russia, so we could see the people walking down the street, see what they were wearing and how cold it was. Make use of the internet to find out about the history and culture of the place your child lives. If it is possible, write letters and send gifts as a family. We have some of the sweetest notes from our children to their new siblings and those interchanges did much to connect us as a family. Although this is not possible or wise for everyone, when it is appropriate travel as a family to receive your new child. The common experience you will have as a family in your adopted child's environment will expand understanding and compassion. 
The week we shared as a family in Russia before each adoption gave us our first family stories, not in our home, but in our adopted children's homes! 

8 THINGS TO DO WHILE YOU WAIT {PART I}

From Beth:

Susan and I love to talk with families who are preparing to adopt. What an exciting season for a family, full of possibilities and preparation! 

So, here are some ideas for you in this waiting season. Since we had 3 children at home before our first adoption, I'm including that reality in these 4 ideas, and the 4 more to follow in our next post, but I hope these points will be helpful to a family bringing their first child home as well. 

Share with a waiting friend! 

1. Pray

We learn so much through the adoption process don't we?! One of my favorite things I learned in our long months of waiting for our children was the absolute power of prayer to change my heart. We prayed every day, literally, for the brother and sister we thought we would adopt. As we prayed for them, God began to carve out a place in our hearts and even in our lives for these two children. They became ours in a way that is difficult to describe. We had never met them, had only seen one photo and a very short video, but somehow through prayer we became connected to them. We never ended up adopting them (another story for another time), but I will tell you, because of that year of constant praying for God to bless them, I anticipate meeting them in heaven and embracing them as a mother embraces her own children. So, I encourage you to pray for your waiting child often and watch how God not only uses that to bless them, but how He uses it to prepare you to receive them as your own. 

2. Be at Team

As you pray, be sure to include your children as often as possible. So much will be communicated to them as you do! They will see that this adoption process is something that you are doing together as a family--that it is not just something Mommy and Daddy are doing. 
And I encourage you to include your children, if age permits, in the decision process. Not to say that if they say they don't want to adopt that you will say "no" to God's call, of course. But we believe that if God is calling you to adopt, He is calling your family as a TEAM. Let your children know that you have heard His voice and that you know He will speak to them as well. And then give them some time to come into agreement. Let them in on what God is saying to you and expect that He will lead them. 
Having the whole family recognize your adoption as a call from God will provide a wonderful strength when times are difficult, when some of the loving feelings that accompany the idea of adoption are replaced by a real live stranger in your home. It gives you a reference point to help your children through those tough times.
There is absolutely nothing like knowing you are in God's will to strengthen you!

3. Expose 

Spending time with other families who have adopted, and fostering friendships with other adopted children, will do part of the work of expanding your hearts and your lives to receive your new family member. The sometimes frustratingly long wait from the call to that first day at home together is the perfect time for exposure to adopted children and adoptive families. For us, finding a group of families who adopted from Russia was a huge blessing and help. 
Look for ways to serve an adoptive family by helping with tutoring or offering to have their children over to play or even spend the night. This service will not only be a huge blessing to the family, but will really help you to prepare yourselves for what your life will be like. 

4. Communicate

Help your children and other family members with the adjustments to the changes ahead by sharing appropriate information about your new child. How much you tell family members and close friends, and what details you leave out, will depend on the age of any siblings at home, on the facts at hand, and on your goal to always honor your child and his/her story. But telling some of the story ahead of time will allow your family to develop understanding and compassion, a sense of connection with this new family member. 
Just finding out about what their life is like, the foods they eat, their daily routine, is interesting and helpful to begin a relationship. 
Your family will want to know what happened to their new sibling's parents. Any children already home may need help understanding why their new sibling does not have a mother and father to care for them. I believe sharing something of that story is important as you help your children understand such difficult realities. It may be that you share only the broadest facts, or there may be so little information that you can only share some of the common reasons why a child needs to be adopted. Regardless, as much as it is possible, speak with honor about the birth parents. But I also don't recommend "sugar coating" the story either. It was not accurate, for instance, for us to say that the birth parents of our children loved them so much that they chose adoption for them. That is a noble and courageous part of many people's stories, but not for all. You don't want to have to explain years later that the story you told was not true because you were trying to protect from a harsh truth with a lie that seemed less painful. Better to omit details than create "facts."

Going through this process now of determining what details to share, and with whom, will help you in the future as you decide how much of your child's story to tell over the years. 

Help us help waiting families by sharing ways your family prepared for your adopted children-- leave a comment! Thank you!

Read Part II. 

A PREGNANCY OF THE HEART

Nicol has been in love with Jesus Christ for 31 years, and married to her best friend and love of her life Thomas Crickett for 8 glorious years that haven’t come without their trials and hardships. A mother for 5 years to the best two children in the whole world, Nicol, has experienced the great lows of infertility, financial ruin, death of parents, her husband going through heart failure resulting in receiving a pace maker, to awesome highs, the highest of which is the adoption of her two children. She is blessed to have a family full of color and difference. To date they have adopted two children from South Africa, Noa-Joy their daughter who is African and is six years old, and their son Elijah who is 3 years old and is of mixed race, with many more still in their hearts.

With the sense of wonder of what finding your purpose can do for you, she moved with her family from South Africa to the UK in 2010 where they hold creative workshops and are in the process of starting a church and a creative college to help people find their purpose so they to can set the world on fire.

“ Not flesh of my flesh or bone of my bone,

But still miraculously my own.

Never forget not for a minute it was not under my

Heart you grew but in it.”

Before we adopted I can remember the struggles of longing for a child of my own, not understanding how I was going to get through all of this and feeling so desperate. I began to search for answers from My God who I love and depend on for everything. It was out of this that He answered me with the scripture from Isaiah 58 – I was to become a repairer of broken walls. I felt like my oversized heart had found what it was made for and I was filled with joy. From this scripture our process of adoption began. It was not an easy road we traveled; it was filled with a lot of uncertainty and fear of the unknown. Hence more searching continued with God and His wonderful scriptures and it is what led me  to where I am today. It gave me strength to carry on, the hope to know that God was in control when I was not. But the most important answer I received was that I was a partner in this process-- I held a vital role. I was not waiting to be a mother. No, I was a mother already and I had things to do. He turned my mourning into joy and my prayer is that you too can be encouraged and strengthened in your journey with God and your process of adoption.

I found that in the Bible, the heart is the center of man, wherein is found his fullest being. It is in the heart that all our thoughts and desires have their origin. When God speaks to us, He speaks to our hearts. It is in this place where God whispers "Adoption"; it is here where God in His infinite wisdom plants the seed and here where we must nurture the seed until fruition.

No Ordinary Love:

This is no ordinary love which we had embarked upon. It is a wonderful blessing straight from heaven and it is heaven who guided us through the how and when, with its' full protection. 

This extraordinary love is a pregnancy of the heart, where you choose to partner with Heaven, uniting your heart with the heart of Jesus. For the heart of the Father is that all may know the love of God, and to know Him as father. It is in the heart of God to adopt-- we know this because He firsts adopts us and then He asks us to become just like Him, to love our neighbor as ourselves. He asked me to love His child, one He chose to give me as my very own.

Conception Took Place in Our Hearts:

Since we now knew that conception had taken place in our hearts when we chose to adopt we could only think of our process to adopt from now on as a heart pregnancy between our heavenly father and us. 

Tears fill my eyes every time I think upon these heavenly thoughts. I am always overwhelmed by the awesome love of my Father for me. I am overwhelmed by His choice of me to mother these heaven-sent children. Where the world says I cannot be a mother, my God says I can.  I am overwhelmed by the grace of God who equips me to lead this wonderfully privileged life and I am filled with His glory as my heart swells with His goodness in my life. I glow, for my heart is pregnant.

It is no wonder that God is deeply concerned with our Hearts for out of it overflows life.

Partnership Begins:

One of the most wonderful things I found out while searching for answers for adoption was that this all-powerful, all-knowing King-of-all-Kings God chooses to partner with me in every detail of my life! He is intimately concerned with all my wants and needs, and having a child is no exception. I learnt that in this partnership, as with any other, there are things I need to do and there are things He must do. I found out that it was not my job to worry about if He had done His things. No, it was my job to do all that was asked of me and my most important part to play in this partnership was to choose to trust in Him and His ways. To trust that in His time He would finish the work He started when He whispered adoption into my heart.

This was a wonderful truth for me to grasp-- that my heart was in partnership with God and it was the place where my child would be held. I was not alone. From a place of feeling completely out of control I suddenly became a doing partner. I felt free and equipped to start my journey as a mother, who now has had two successful heart pregnancies.

Proverbs 4:23

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

Interior Design:

I knew that with my heart at the center of this decision to adopt, I needed to guard my heart for out of it new life was coming. I could not afford to have certain hurts or offenses inside my heart any longer. The scriptures say in Proverbs 14:30, "A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." I knew that this was how God chose to give me my baby-- I had settled on that. So I no longer needed to be envious of how other people received theirs. I knew I wanted peace to rule my heart and my baby’s new home. So I chose the shade of peace to color the walls and fill the room and threw out envy. It was so last season and it would not do anymore! I kept telling myself my heart was getting ready for a new arrival. It was okay to feel uncomfortable and scared of the unknown, even a little emotional at times. But I kept encouraging myself to push forward and fill my heart with good things for myself and my child who was growing inside of my heart. For the scriptures say in Luke 6:45

"The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart." 

Thinking of my heart as a place I was housing my child gave me power to choose what it was going to look like.

I could choose empty battered and bruised OR I could partner with my heavenly father who is Unconditional Love and allow Him to fill my heart with shades of love, peace and joy.

For me this was a better look. I chose the heart filled with love, peace and joy and over time, along with the faithfulness of God, I allowed Him to heal my heart. It started looking and feeling more like a place I was proud for my child to grow in. 

SHAMELESS PERSISTENCE

Would you like to hear some of the wonderful sessions from our HOPE AT HOME 2011 Conference? Click HERE to listen. We will be posting more of the breakout sessions later in the month. 

We are pleased to share some thoughts from Tara Dunn, who along with her husband attended HOPE AT HOME 2011. Tara is an associate director at the University of Georgia Wesley Foundation.  She and her husband, John, have a son, Jace Kenesa, who is currently in Ethiopia. They are praying for the clearance needed to bring him home very soon! To watch this beautiful story of bringing a son home follow them on their blog.


Never with Passivity

There is a phrase we often use in the church when we pray that I have come to cringe when I hear: “…if it’s Your will, Lord.” Now I know what you’re thinking: “What’s wrong with that?! Shouldn’t we pray with humility and desire God’s will alone?” And the answer is yes. When Jesus taught His disciples to pray, He taught them to ask for the Father’s will to be done, on earth as it is in heaven. And yet, Jesus never taught His disciples—or us—to pray with passivity and a lack of faith; sadly, this is so often what this phrase becomes an expression of instead of a genuine longing for God’s will. There is always a delicate balance in surrendering our will and praying with great faith and boldness. Throughout our adoption journey, I have often struggled to find that balance. I long to trust His timing and believe that He is fighting for us more than we could ask or imagine, but I so often use this truth as an excuse to pray wimpy prayers when I know God is calling me to move mountains. 

Shameless Audacity

The Lord really shook me awake to this truth when I attended an adoption conference last month called Hope at Home. My husband and I had been expecting to pass court that week (meaning that our son would officially become a Dunn), but we were informed the day before the conference that the judge was traveling and would not be returning for three more weeks. Our hearts were completely crushed; we had already been waiting nearly two months for the judge to return. During the conference, one of the speakers, Greg Haswell, spoke from Luke 11 and encouraged us all to pray with “shameless audacity” for our children:

…teaching [his disciples] more about prayer, he used this story: ‘Suppose you went to a friend’s house at midnight, wanting to borrow three loaves of bread. You say to him, “A friend of mine has just arrived for a visit, and I have nothing for him to eat.” And suppose he calls out from his bedroom, “Don’t bother me. The door is locked for the night, and my family and I are all in bed. I can’t help you.” But I tell you this—though he won’t do it for friendship’s sake, if you keep knocking long enough, he will get up and give you whatever you need because of your shameless persistence. And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened." (Luke 11:5-9)

Throughout the entire sermon, the Lord was saying to me, “Wake up! Ask Me
boldly for things, and I will do more than you could ask or imagine!”

A Fire in Our Prayers

We had been praying for nearly two months for the judge’s return, but God used that conference to ignite a fire in our prayers. We prayed with shameless persistence, and sure enough, the judge returned just four days later and signed our adoption decree. So do I place my faith in the outcome? Absolutely not. My faith rests in the person of Jesus. But I know that my son coming home (and healing, wholeness, forgiveness, salvation, breakthrough) are His will and that I can pray with shameless audacity by His grace. Thank You, Lord!

WHILE YOU WAIT: PREPARING YOUR FAMILY FOR THEIR NEW SIBLINGS

So often the wait for our children to come home seems so long, but the Lord never wastes time! Here are some ideas to make the time fruitful by building up your family even before your adoption. You will enjoy reading the accounts of adoption from Birth Children's Perspectives HERE. If your children are old enough, read some of these accounts aloud and talk about them together.


Interrupted
God had already rocked our world in a big way that night when we heard Him say, "You need to do this." Stephen and I were in a meeting at our children's school and were not anticipating that we'd hear from God at all! Yet when Susan Hillis began to speak of the opportunity to have Russian orphans come spend their summer in our homes, and when I was minding my own business filling out a form for one of our girls and not really paying her any attention, God interrupted me -- interrupted my thoughts, interrupted our family, interrupted our life! It was a Glorious Interruption! As if I had a marionette string attached to the crown of my head, I looked up from the form I was filling out and heard, in the most clear voice as if with my ears, but in my spirit, "You need to do this." I turned to Stephen and said, softening the words a bit because I couldn't quite say it so commandingly yet, "I really think we are supposed to do this." His reply was a simple, "I know." 


I won't tell the rest of the story here, but that same night, as we reeled with the increasing clarity of what had just occurred and with the many, "well, that will mean...." trying to engage our minds with the consequences, I found myself asking the Lord, "But what about our girls? Will they be ok? I don't ever want to do anything that will harm them!" We didn't feel we could move forward until we heard what God had to say about this concern. It was our gravest concern actually. Maybe some of you reading this know exactly what I am talking about. I'll never forget the time Stephen and I were praying about this in the following weeks when he turned to me and said, "I feel like God is saying that it will be hard on our girls, but not the kind of "hard" that will tear them down or bring damage to them. It will be the kind of hard that will strengthen them as people." Once we heard that, we were ready to jump in the deep end!


So, now we were in full preparation mode. I'd love to share with you some ideas to help prepare your family for the huge changes that adoption brings. Preparing your children to receive a new sibling can have a significant impact on the kind of relationships the siblings will have later on in life. And for many of us, there is LOTS of waiting time until our children come home, time used by God to make us ready.


1. Pray
We learn so much through the adoption process don't we?! One of my favorite things I learned in our long months of waiting for our children was the absolute power of prayer to change my heart. We prayed every day, literally, for the brother and sister we thought we would adopt. As we prayed for them, God began to carve out a place in our hearts and even in our lives for these two children. They became ours in a way that is difficult to describe. We had never met them, had only seen one photo and a very short video, but somehow through prayer we became connected to them. We never ended up adopting them (another story for another time), but I will tell you, because of that year of constant praying for God to bless them, I anticipate meeting them in heaven and embracing them as a mother embraces her own children. So, I encourage you to pray for your waiting child often and watch how God not only uses that to bless them, but how He uses it to prepare you to receive them as your own. 


2. Be at Team
As you pray, be sure to include your children as often as possible. So much will be communicated to them as you do! They will see that this adoption process is something that you are doing together as a family-- that it is not just something Mommy and Daddy are doing. I encourage you to include your children who are old enough in the decision process. Not to say that if they say they don't want to adopt that you will say "no" to God's call, of course. But we believe that if God is calling you to adopt, He is calling your family as a TEAM. Let your children know that you have heard His voice and that you know He will speak to them as well. And then give them some time to come into agreement. Let them in on what God is saying to you and expect that He will lead them. Having the whole family recognize your adoption as a call from God will provide a wonderful strength when times are difficult, and all the loving feelings that accompany the idea of adoption are replaced by a real live stranger in your home. It gives you a reference point to help your children through those tough times-- there is absolutely nothing like knowing you are in God's will to strengthen you!


3. Expose 
Spending time with other families who have adopted, and fostering friendships with other adopted children will do part of the work of expanding your hearts and your lives to receive your new family member. The sometimes frustratingly long wait from the call to that first day at home together is the perfect time for exposure to adopted children and adoptive families. For us finding a group of families who adopted from Russia was a huge blessing and help. Look for ways to serve an adoptive family by helping with tutoring or offering to have their children over to play or even spend the night. This service will not only be a huge blessing to the family, but will really help you to prepare yourselves for what your life will be like. 


4. Communicate
Help your children and other family members with the adjustments to the changes ahead by sharing appropriate information about your new child. How much you tell, and what details you leave out, will depend on your child's age, as well as on the facts at hand. But telling some of the story will allow your family to develop understanding and compassion. Just finding out about what their life is like, the foods they eat, their daily routine is interesting and helpful to begin a relationship. Your family will want to know what happened to their new sibling's parents and sharing something of that story is important. Going through this process now will help you in the future as you decide how much of your child's story to tell over the years.


5. Anticipate Positively
We might be tempted to tell our children how hard it is going to be, how they will be jealous and how difficult their new sibling might be. Rather, stress the positive as you prepare for the challenges ahead. Don't ignore the fact that life is about to change, but help your children see their role from a place of strength. For instance you might say, "Sometimes you might feel like you want mommy's attention when I am feeding the new baby (or helping teach your sister English, etc...) You are going to be such a good helper. Isn't it good that God has made you to be the big sister?! You'll get to teach her so many things. Do you think you could teach her how to get dressed by herself like you do? (or help her learn English words?)" Emphasizing the role of the older sibling, as the one who can help and give with an open heart will help your children see that things are going to be required of them, but that they can give with love rather than see this season as a time where things are taken from them.


6. Listen
Including your children in the decision-making process can be extended all along the way. Keep your family "in the loop" and give them time to respond, especially allowing them to share their fears or negative thoughts. For instance, the decisions that the new sibling will share his brother's room or that the new sister will be older than your birth daughter are best made as a family, allowing the children to share their fears or concerns. Again, this doesn't mean that all decisions are made by your children, but rather that each child knows he or she is valued and heard. It can be hard not to become defensive when your children share negative thoughts, but staying calm and encouraging may be all they need to eventually be willing to make the changes demanded of them. So often just being heard is what people, children and adults, really want in time of conflict. When our middle daughter expressed that she did not want to have a sister older than her, we took her seriously. However, as it became clear that God was leading us to our precious daughter Kristina, whose birthday turned out to be 2 weeks before Rachel's, we knew we had a situation on our hands. You can read about this situation from Rachel's point of view in her post, but for us it was clear that we needed to communicate with Rachel and then trust God to open her heart. 


7. Connect 
We love to say at our church that parenting is a team sport, and this is even more true with adoption. Indeed, adoption is a team sport! Connecting with people who will be there for you once your new child comes home will be life-giving and on some days you may even say life-saving! Don't wait until after your adoption to find help. Hopefully you have people asking what they can do to help-- now's the time to say, "Actually I will take you up on it. Thank you!" Having meals brought in those first weeks is very helpful. Getting friends or family members to take your daughter to her piano lessons every week or your son to his soccer practice is worth more than you may be able to anticipate. Maintaining some normalcy for your family is very important. So much change and sacrifice will be required, so keeping some things "the way it used to be" will communicate love and security to your children. But you will need help for this. If your child speaks another language you will want to line up someone you can call to translate. Susan tells a wonderful story of the day her daughter wanted (as in insisted!) to wear her bathing suit to church and needless to say, translation was needed! 
The help you can get for those first months will diminish any resentment or just simply the stress that your children may deal with.


8. Create a Common History 
As much as it is possible for you, begin to create a common history even before the adoption. We were all amazed to find out there was a live webcam in Vyborg, Russia, so we could see the people walking down the street, see what they were wearing and how cold it was. Make use of the internet to find out about the history and culture of the place your child lives. If it is possible, write letters and send gifts as a family. We have some of the sweetest notes from our children to their new siblings and those interchanges did much to connect us as a family. Although this is not possible or wise for everyone, when it is appropriate travel as a family to receive your new child. The common experience you will have as a family in your adopted child's environment will expand understanding and compassion. The week we shared as a family in Russia before each adoption gave us our first family stories, not in our home, but in our adopted children's homes!


Help us help waiting families by sharing ways your family prepared for your adopted children-- leave a comment! Thank you!

EMMANUEL-- GOD WITH ME

We are pleased to hear from our friend Jessica. She has 2 kids 5 and under who spend their days dressing up animals, throwing dance parties, and building caves. My (very good looking) husband keeps me grounded and present while I rearrange the house multiple times a year. I spend the majority of my days running Noonday Collection, a business born out of this adoption process that creates sustainable income opportunities for vulnerable populations and hopefully prevents some of the root causes of the orphan crisis. Through Noonday Collection, I get to help women feel beautiful every day and enable families to raise some money for their adoption process. It is a dream so amazing I could have never thought it up myself.

"You are NOT allowed to take him"

One year ago, I found my then 2-year-old son floating face down in the middle of a large swimming pool. I scooped up his lifeless body. His face was blue, lips purple, and there were no signs of breathing. He was dead. As I began CPR on him, I just kept yelling out, “In the name of Jesus, in the name of Jesus,” while inside crying out “You are not allowed to take him."  After a few minutes, he began to cough and was back to his normal joyful self within the hour.

I had thought about that moment so often: Would I turn from Jesus or to Him in the face of a severe tragedy?  I experienced both on that hot summer day. On one hand, crying out to the only One who could save Him while also withholding my heart from the only One who could take him.

"I Can Rescue Your Next Son."

One month later, we were in the very final stages of finishing our dossier to adopt a child from Rwanda. We received a phone call from our power of attorney saying Rwanda was closing its doors to any new dossiers within 24  hours. The likelihood of us being able to get all the final signatures, fly to Washington DC to get the documents authenticated, and then finally submitted to the Rwandan embassy seemed impossible. But I heard that still, small voice say, “I rescued your first son and I can rescue your next son.”

Every Step of the Way, There was God!

Jessica at the Rwandan Embassy

Within a few hours, I was on a plane to Washington DC where an old friend from my Food for the Hungry days picked me up at 12am. She lived 10 minutes from the airport. The next morning on the subway, a girl standing next to me heard me saying, “I am nervous because I don’t know where this place is.” 
“Excuse me,” she said, “I work there and can walk you to the office.” 
Every step of the way, there was God; with me and for me.

I spent some time after these two “close calls” praying and asking God to show me Himself in those times. I learned that God’s faithfulness to me is not dependent upon my emotional response to Him. Anger,threats, even turning away from Him does not turn Him away from me. He has promised to be with me always. Emmanuel. That revelation has enabled a new grace to steer my faith and triumph over my fears.

I Rest in His Word

There have been times during this wait when I cry myself to sleep because I long to feel his head against mine. There have been times when I felt jealous that other parents seemed to get their kids before us. And there have been many times where I wondered if it would actually happen at all. All of these experiences lead me to exercise faith like never before. I always go back to the last place that God spoke and rest in His word. If you are also a waiting parent, I hope these words from Exodus encourage you like they have me during these last 2 years, 

“The Lord will fight for you. You need only be still.” (Exodus 14:14) 

Rest in Him while he fights for your child. 

In a couple of months, we will fly to Rwanda to meet our son. A 2 year old who has only known the walls of an orphanage. God’s promise of being with me through this new parenting process is what now guides my hope.


"Teaching them to observe everything that I have commanded you, and behold, I am with you all the days (perpetually, uniformly, and on every occasion) to the very close and consummation of the age. Amen (so let it be.)"

You can follow Jessica's journey, among other things, here. 

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