FROM ATTACHMENT DISORDER TO ATTACHMENT REORDERED

From Susan:

"I know it's not THAT papaya.....but I still can't bring myself to try it."  

Years ago, I used to love papaya..... 
until that fateful afternoon in tropical Costa Rica, when eating a bad papaya made me so weakly dehydrated from food poisoning that I had to suffer the repeated humiliation of being carred to the commode by my new husband.  

Even though that was over 30 years ago and I KNOW that today's papaya is not THAT papaya, my stomach still turns in disinterest at the sight of one.  

My papaya story has helped me understand how some of our children felt after having suffered great harm at the hands of their first parents; while we know and they know that we are not THOSE parents, the experience of fear and rejection and self-protection often seems woven into their very framework. 

And all of these emotions often come to the surface during the teen years, when each of us has to work on figuring out who we are. 

One particular day I was surprised to hear these words from my beautiful, outgoing, winsome,16 year-old, "Every day when I look in the mirror I always am wondering...."
"Wondering about what?" I asked.
"Wondering if she every thinks about me and remembers me and wonders how I am doing."  

The 'she,' of course, was her Russian mama, whom she had not seen since age 4 when she was taken away from her home by the authorities.

It was during this same time period that outbursts of rage would sometimes arise like an unpredictable thunder storm. I would hear things like, 
"You are NOTHING to me! I am going to tear up those x*&$@# adoption papers and you will be NOTHING to me! NOTHING!"  

I cried because I felt so deeply saddened and confused and desperate for some comfort from above, and for some wisdom and insight into the cause of such outbursts, and for some leading about how to respond in love. 

Only later did I come to understand reflection. She was reflecting what she felt in that mirror: one feeling rejected naturally reflects rejection. And as the mama or daddy, at this moment we can choose to reflect rejection or distance or judgment or anger or disdain BACK to them, OR we can, instead, reflect Jesus' unconditional and indestructible love to them.  

In other words, we can respond out of who God is and not out of how we feel (read Ezekiel 20 in the Message!...you will see this 4 times!).  When I think about reflecting who God is, I think of being gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. 

It is as if Jesus is ever whispering to us, "Copy me, not them." It is what Paul says in Ephesians 1 "Be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love."

I think of this as attachment reordered.  God's love helping me respond rather than react.

Allowing me to reflect Him, not them.  

And with time, we are seeing they have this same attachment reordering that I do.....becoming secure in how much God loves them, in spite of the failures of even those they most expected love from.

So how did all this end up?

After years of rebellion, this same child tells me Sunday night, "Mom, you are the person I try to copy!" 

Amazing grace....aaammmmaaazzzziiinggg grace!!!!

REFLECTIONS ON ATTACHMENT

You may remember Renee Johnson from Hope at Home 2011. We are excited for you to read what she shares from her personal experience in loving her three adopted daughters. In addition to being a mom, Renee holds degrees in Physical Therapy and Public Health. She balances her home life with her responsibilities as a Senior Scientist for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. 

All or None?

Thirteen years ago as I prepared for the adoption of my first daughter I, like many other parents, embarked upon reading every piece of "helpful' guidance that I could find. The plethora of advice and opinions available related to attachment and/or bonding really heightened my awareness of the great importance of this issue. It seemed like every author had both their must do and their must don't lists: the problem  was they weren't in agreement. By the time I headed off to bring home my sweet baby (actually a 6 year old), the possibilities of attachment failure and the potential long-term consequences of not achieving an adequate attachment weighed heavy on my mind. I had bought into the idea that attachment was an all or none adventure and that the possibility of messing it up was high. 

I’m glad to report that my perspective and understanding of attachment has substantially changed over the years.  I have come to discover that attachment is far from an all or none endeavor.  Below is a peek into the journey of my changing thoughts. 

Measuring Attachment

In the all or none model, frustration is inevitable.  After we returned home many well meaning people would ask me about “how the bonding was going” or if “my sweet baby was attached to me yet”?  This question evoked feelings of failure in me, because of course she wasn’t fully attached at 2 weeks or one month or 3 months or even 1 year or 3 years. About 6 months into parenting, it became clear that I was using the wrong measuring tool and if I didn’t find a new one then I’d both miss our progress and feel ongoing failure.  A cook doesn’t expect to make a delicious cheesecake while measure vanilla by the quart, nor does the auto mechanic measure engine oil by the teaspoon if he wants his garage to run efficiently.  Similarly, as a parent, I needed to define for myself some more appropriate units of measure for this topic of attachment. 


Physical, Emotional, Spiritual

Upon observation, I could initially see that there were three specific dimensions which were important for me to focus on.  They were physical, emotional and spiritual.  I began to think about our attachment progress in the format of three bar graphs.  This allowed for encouragement based on progress along any of the three dimensions.   All of the sudden I could see that specific activities were increasing our attachment in each of the dimensions.  Achieving eye contact while playing a game at the table became a attachment success.  I could see attachment growth and was no longer focused only on the tipping of the scale to being “attached”.  This three dimension model seemed to work well for a couple of years.    

With the addition of my second daughter, I could see that there were some additional dimensions that were significantly impacting our overall attachment.  Good food, particularly meat, was incredibly important for her and seemed to somehow be a dimension of its own.  Not only food, but everything sensory seemed to come into play. Again after my third daughter came home I could see even more areas that I could focus on to facilitate attachment success. The visual bar graph in my mind was becoming complex and not as helpful.


Rejoicing in Progress

At some point along the way I had a discussion with some of our Russian friends that shared a model which looked like a spider web or radar graph.  In this type of graphic, zero is in the center and 100% is at the end of the spoke.  As success is found along each of the spokes the center is pulled out and I can see a visual representation of the window to my children’s hearts opening.  In reality, the exact point of our attachment along each of the individual spokes fluctuates as life moves forward.  In all of our relationships, level of attachment fluctuates as our circumstance and priorities change.   Also, it was my experience that each of the spokes of attachment was different for each of my children and seemed to fluctuate over time.  

How refreshing it is to have moved from an all or none model, in which it seemed nearly impossible to get the scale to tip from unattached to attached, toward a model which is fluid and lets one see progress and regression as a normal function of life.  As we and our children move toward progressive levels of attachment in any one area we can rejoice in seeing our progress instead of always waiting to attain some level of perfection before our attachment scale can tip.