WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

Lots going on these days at Hope at Home as we gear up for H@HKids! August 10. 
And Hope at Home 2013, conference for adoptive, foster and waiting parents is September 27-28. We would love to see you in Atlanta as we spend time being refreshed and equipped to parent our children!

From Beth:
We talk a lot about our children's identity at Hope at Home, but today I want to talk about me and you. Who am I? Who are you? And maybe a more fitting question--Who do you think you are? How do we define ourselves? 

A few years ago I heard a sermon by Joseph Prince that inspired me to think again about my identity. And I am learning that I am definitely a better mother and wife when I walk in my true identity! Far from being selfish to think about myself, I am loving and serving my family best when I am aware of this truth I am about to share with you.

So, check this out--Jesus loved all of his disciples equally, right? Right. But then we see this phrase multiple times, "the disciple whom Jesus loved." What do we make of that?! It was John himself who was writing this-- about himself! Apparently he referred to himself this way, even including it in his own telling of the story of Jesus. How bold! How wonderfully brazen! Some might even call him arrogant. 

I Am the Mother Jesus Loves!

It would be like me writing on this blog or on our Facebook page saying, “Hello. I am Beth Templeton-- I am the mother Jesus loves!” What would I have to be thinking about myself to say or write such a thing?! 

I think it is actually pretty wonderful that this phrase is only used in John’s gospel. No one else refers to him as that. I love that about him. I am intrigued!

John was more conscious of Jesus’ love for him than his own love for Jesus. So much so that clearly that became his identity--'the one Jesus loved.' We sing of our love for God every Sunday, and when things are going well we may even boast of it. For most of us reading this blog, we see adoption as beautiful expression of our love for God. And indeed, it is! There is nothing wrong with displaying our love for God. I SO want my life to be a display of love! 

But what I learned from this teaching about John is that when I focus not on my own love (which is so often weak and performance-based), but rather focus on God’s love for me, I become free and empowered to serve and love. 

When I focus on God’s love for me, I find that I can go the long haul and make it through the difficult times. I am immovable. I may be shaken by my children's behavior or my concerns for their future, but like John, I am not moved because I am defined by the perfect and eternal Love of the God of Love.
Our love then becomes not primarily a WORK of service, but rather a RESPONSE to the revelation of God's love. 

What is Love?

I love a good definition! God defines love very clearly through John,

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. (1 John 4:10)

We love Him, because He first loved us. (4:19) 

When we are conscious of God’s love for us, we end up able to love Him and others more! John, in defining himself as the one Jesus loved, was then perfectly positioned in the place of intimacy with the Lord. He was the one at the foot of the cross; he was the one Jesus asked to take care of His mother.

Seeing myself as the mother who Jesus loves empowers me to serve Him way beyond my natural capacity, because I am accessing the supernatural love of God.

Boasting of Love

How often do we live out our lives more like Peter rather than John? Peter boasted of his own love for Jesus, didn’t he? Remember what happened? Jesus says,

“But after I have been raised, I will go before you to Galilee.” Peter answered and said to Him, “Even if all are made to stumble because of You, I will never be made to stumble.”...
Peter said to Him, “Even if I have to die with You, I will not deny You!” (Matthew 26:31-35)

Peter's declaration, his identity, was, “I am the one who loves the Lord.” Peter ended up denying Jesus, and was so deeply distraught by this denial that he was not able to be there for him in the end as John was. 

I believe that the key to me loving my children through every stage of their lives is found in this-- not that I love my children, but that God loves me. 

Who do I think I am? 

I am the mother that Jesus loves!

 

I love what my friend and fellow adoptive mother, Kelly Raudenbush, shared on her blog, My Overthinking (check it out--she is a treasure!) She even had a talented friend design these graphics boldly declaring this identity so that we would be reminded to be like John, thinking of ourselves as the beloved of God. 

And so are you my friends. Let's say it out loud; it is a declaration of identity that will change the way you love!

Register Now for Hope at Home 2013!

PARENTING IN GRACE: IDENTITY

Defined by Behavior?

You will find that we speak a lot about identity in this blog. Stephen wrote a post about it in March (you can read it here) and I’d like to continue the thought. One of the most important roles we have as parents is to recognize and call forth our children’s identities. Now, it takes no effort at all to do this if we define an individual’s identity by his or her behavior. If our child lies repeatedly, then we may decide she is a liar. Or if we have a child who is filled with anger and angry outbursts, then we identify him as a child with anger issues. There is a certain logic to this approach, and it certainly yields some benefits as we seek to parent our children well. None of us want our adopted child to remain defined by their behaviors learned in an orphanage! So we patiently (or not!) focus our attention on these behaviors in the desire to set them free.

"Parenting Backward"

Stephen and I have found that parenting with our focus on the negative behavior is limited in its success, however. I see it as “Parenting Backward” in a way. I mean by this that when I focus on my child’s anger, for instance, I become so easily absorbed and enmeshed in the issue of her anger, how it originated in her past, and the depth of the problem, that I find myself struggling with feelings of anger myself, along with anxiety, frustration, and even hopelessness. Being clever, I realize pretty quickly that the problem is far too great for my parenting skills! The pain, lack, neglect, abuse and rejection our adopted children have experienced is far beyond my own experience and understanding.

"Parenting Forward"

Over the years we have become increasingly focused on our children’s identity in Christ and have learned to “Parent Forward” so to speak. Our goal is the same—to bring our children into freedom from the coping behaviors that were born out of distrust, pain and the need to survive. With this approach of “Parenting Forward” however, we identify the problem (never too hard to figure that out!), we acknowledge the connection to the past in our own minds and occasionally with our child, and then we begin to speak aloud to ourselves and to our child his identity in Christ. We call forth his righteousness in Christ and parent into his future, rather than parenting into the issues of his past. In other words, we choose to make decisions regarding our child based on what God has to say, rather than on the sometimes compelling evidence of their behavior. We are careful to speak these truths publicly (even if it is just at the dinner table) and often. As our children have gotten older we have found that texts, emails, facebook messages, letters left on their pillows, etc. are also good ways to "call forth." 
For instance, we believe that one of our sons has a strong leadership gifting, but we often see him waiting to be led and in a place of passivity. Stephen and I have encouraged and even at times required him to take leadership roles as we work at parenting him according to his identity in Christ. When he has failed, we work it through, allowing him to face the consequences, and then try again. This has been a long process with some painful times and mistakes on our part, but one that is now bearing clear and recognizable fruit in his life. 

Focus and Answers

This approach is not always easy. It is counter intuitive for most of us not to place our full focus on a problem in order to solve it. Many of us have even been trained to do exactly that—looking intently at the problem in order to find the solution. But I believe in the Lord there is a better way! As we look intently at our beautiful savior and focus on His words about our child, we will find the true answers to the complicated and difficult issues our adopted children face. Paul did this when he addressed the issue of blatant sin in his letter to the Corinthians (1Corinthians 6). In the midst of dealing with their sin Paul says, “…do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you?....” Do you see how Paul declared to them their identity in Christ here? He did not say, “do you not know that you are sinful fornicators?”, but rather he called out that which was good and true, reminding them of their identity and pointing them to the future, not the past.

Transfixed by the Problem

This Parenting Forward can only be done as we parents set our thoughts and affections on Jesus. I don’t know about you, but I find it quite difficult to do at times. Have you ever been in a situation where you find yourself drawn to look at something you really don’t want to look at and you know you should wrest your eyes away, but you just can’t? I remember when I was in elementary school our family was in a pretty bad car wreck with a hook and ladder fire engine. In the end we were all fine, however my youngest sister had gotten pretty beaten up. I’ll never forget hearing my mother call out, “ Don’t look at Pammy. Don’t look at Pammy.” (She was covered in blood at that point and my mother wanted to protect us from fear and terror.) Well, you know where this is going! Of course, I couldn’t help it—my eyes were drawn as if by a huge magnetic pull to her. I have recently realized that that is exactly the way I am sometimes with my children. I become aware of a behavior that needs our attention, a gaping wound not unlike my sister’s in a way, and find myself transfixed by it and it’s connection with such a complicated past, as well as my inability to “fix” the problem, and I think to myself, “You’ve got to tear your eyes away from this. It is not helping to gaze steadfastly at this problem. Rather, it is producing fear, anxiety and even emotional distance from this precious child.” I sometimes find it so difficult not to dwell on the problem. I know enough about our amazing God to know that when I pull my eyes away from the problem and intently look to Him, that anxiety falls away with ease, solutions come, my heart is warmed again to my child as I catch again some of God’s thoughts about him or her. I am able to Parent Forward into the beautiful, freeing and whole person.

Transfixed by the Answer

Our faith cannot be in our parenting nor can it be in our child. Our faith must be in Christ alone. I have found that when I mistakenly put my faith in my child to behave a certain way, to display a certain amount of progress and healing, then I open myself to be blindsided by disappointment, frustration and even anger. All of these emotions lead quickly to anxiety and emotional distance. However, when I place my faith in Jesus, in what He has called us to and what He has declared over our family-- in essence, when I become transfixed by Jesus, the answer-- then I can remain standing, even when the storms rage around me.

What is my child's identity in Christ? An Adoptive Father's Perspective

From: Stephen Templeton

Who is your child in Christ?

What is your child’s identity in Christ?

Who has God called your child to be?

What is the call of God on your child’s life?

When God looks at your sons and daughters, who does he see?

What potential is there in them?

What has the Lord revealed to you about their hearts, their gifts, their destiny in Christ?

Wow! These are pretty big and heady questions that can be quite intimidating for us dads (and moms). Can I really know the answers to some of these foundational questions about my child? Would God really reveal to me who my child is, how He sees my child, what His plan, destiny and desire is for my child?

The answer, of course, is a resounding YES!

Jeremiah 29:11

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

The Lord has placed the mantle of “father” and “mother” on each of us parents. When He called us to have children, through adoption or birth, he placed that awesome authority on our lives to guide, inspire, love and instruct our children. One of the foundational aspects of this calling is seeking Him for our child’s identity in Christ and then using this understanding and revelation from the Father to guide our parenting of each individual child.

Ephesians 1:18-19

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.

In view of this mantle of authority God has placed on us for our children, it is clear that He is so eager to have our eyes opened and enlightened, to know our children and the hope to which He has called each one. This identity and inheritance is something that the Lord wants to share with us so that we can help our children grasp, understand and renew their minds according to their identity in Him.

How do we know our child’s identity in Christ?-- First and foremost- go to Him, seek Him, spend time in prayer actively asking the Lord to show you how He sees your child. He will be faithful to share His heart for your child with you. If you have Christian friends, a youth pastor, Sunday School teacher, or a pastor that you trust, ask them what they see in your child. Share with them that you are asking the Lord to reveal to you a greater understanding of your child’s identity in Christ. And then ask for their input. Write all these things down, especially any specific words of knowledge, or reliable prophetic words received from trustworthy people. Keep a record of these- they are invaluable and can act as spiritual weapons for you and your child as they grow. But remember, God Himself has given you the spiritual authority to parent your child, so test any input you receive from others according to the scriptures and what the Lord is saying to you.

Go to Him- I can’t wait to hear what He will tell you about each of your children!

Next time we’ll talk about how this knowledge of your child’s identity in Christ helps guide your parenting.

HOPE!

Hope

I remember a season in the not so distant past when I would have to confess that I was not full of Hope for my Home. With 7 children all in their teenage years, issues that needed our direct parental attention seemed to pop up like popcorn. Even at the time, though, I really did see that it is God’s mercy that brings into the light that which is hidden in darkness. (We’ll talk more about that in another post.) But I began to feel the weight that fear brings—the drag of the “what ifs.”

What I was lacking during that time was an ABIDING HOPE. This kind of HOPE is not a wishful desire, like “I sure hope I can finish this on time,” or “I hope it all works out in the end.” Biblical Hope is something completely other than this hope that the world knows. It is a confident expectation that something good will happen Do you have a confident and sure expectation for good with your child?

The writer to the Hebrews speaks of hope as

“a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul [it cannot slip and it cannot break down under whoever steps out upon it--a hope] that reaches farther and enters into [the very certainty of the Presence] within the veil,” Hebrews 6:19 Amplified

What’s Popping?

What’s popping at your house these days? Issues with learning and school, tantrums or anger that seem way out of proportion to the immediate circumstance, fears that are keeping your child from enjoying life……..?

Let’s anchor our thoughts, our actions, and reactions to HOPE, which “cannot break down” no matter how weighty or numerous the issues.


Listen to this song from Bethel Live. As you do allow the Father to connect you to that anchor of Hope! "HOPE'S ANTHEM."

JOYFUL PARENTING!

Where the Rubber Meets the Road
One of the things I love about being a parent, and about talking about parenting, is that it is the most fertile ground I know of to work out the truth of the Gospel. It’s the real “rubber meets the road” stuff of life, don’t you think? And talk about daily! Never a day goes by where Stephen and I don’t need direct access to God’s power and His life-giving words to us or to our children. For me, there is little more exciting and challenging in this life than the realities of working out my faith in the life of our family. If the good news doesn’t “work” in our homes, if it is reserved for church services, Sunday school, and the occasional outreach event or mission trip, then we are missing something--big time. What a joy it has been for us to see God’s miracle working power in the lives of our children, right in front of our eyes!

Hugging a Board

One of the first experiences we had with our son Pasha, who came home to us 10 years ago at age 5, was the awkward experience of trying to pick him up and hug him. I am not exaggerating when I say that it was much like embracing a 2x4 with appendages. I remember grabbing his little legs and wrapping them around my waist, realizing that he had no idea how to be held like that. It was simply not a part of his experience in the orphanage, nor in his Russian home. In the end I think that was just an outworking of the fact that he did not yet know how to receive that kind of love, the loving, safe embrace of a parent. As time went by he learned to be held and to hug back; and as time went by, he learned how to give and receive love.


Home, God’s Response to Desolation 
“God places the solitary in families and gives the desolate a home in which to dwell…” Psalm 68:6
What a continuous privilege and honor it has been for Stephen and me to partner with the Holy Spirit in replacing desolation with a home! Interesting that the scripture says that a home is God’s answer to the desolation that so many of our precious adopted children have experienced. The Thesaurus defines desolation as despair, unhappiness, gloom and misery. We parents have the God-given opportunity to replace this desolation with its antonyms: favor, comfort, happiness and joy. This is ours to do.

Help us Lord to create homes where the desolation wrought by being an orphan has no place in our children. May our homes be full of Your favor, comfort, happiness and joy!