MARRIAGE MONDAY: "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG"--3 QUESTIONS TO ASK FIRST

Brad from One Flesh Marriage shares on a topic we all can relate to I am sure--what do we do when we disagree with the way our spouse is parenting our children? It is always good to hear the voice of an adoptive father! 

Any time you bring two people together there are going to be differences in how you parent kids. You talk to them differently, you play with them differently, and you will correct and discipline them differently. It is in this last area that conflicts between couples usually start to creep in. 

When we see our spouse disciplining the kids in a way that we wouldn’t, it is very easy to step in and want to take over. Sometimes that might even be appropriate, but first you need to stop and ask yourself a few questions.

1. What do you Know to be True?

Is your spouse a good parent? Would you normally say they are a good dad? Or a good mom? If you genuinely believe that they are a good parent, then you need to really pause before jumping in and taking over disciplining. Remember this truth and ask yourself the next question.

2. Is your Spouse in Control? 

Are they making rational decisions that they will agree with when the heat of the moment passes? I vividly remember a moment of clarity while holding my screaming son--that all of the shaken baby warning commercials suddenly made since. I gently laid him in the crib and told my wife I needed a break. We all reach that point, and it is important to play tag team before we get there. However, if your spouse is in control, but doing something you would do differently, then hang on and ask yourself the next question before doing anything else. 

3. Why do you Want to Jump in?

If you want to fix the problem, stop the child’s behavior, minimize the damage or avoid an argument then you need to wait. That is exactly what your spouse is trying to do. That is what discipline is all about anyway, so let your spouse do their thing. Yes, it might not be how you would do it, but it is much better to allow them to continue then to jump in. 

If on the other hand, you want to support your spouse, you can stand next to them, and find specific ways you can support them and show your children that you are on the same team. 

But What if I REALLY Didn’t Like it?

What do you do if you answered all three questions and recognized you had to wait but you really had a problem with how your spouse was disciplining the children? In this situation you need to find a time to talk about your concerns later, when the children are not in the room to hear your discussion. You can plan on what methods you are going to use, and what you are not going to use. The heat of the moment is not the time to talk about your methods. You can plan what you do and don’t do later. 

But before you go imposing your way, remember, kids are naturally very adaptable. They understand that things change based on different environments and different care givers. Even at a very young age they will know that a behavior that is ok in your family room is not appropriate in Grandma’s living room. They are ok if you and your spouse parent and discipline somewhat differently. Should the rules totally change? No, consistency is best as much as possible, but how those rules are carried out will vary from parent to parent-- and that is ok! 

What have you done to help you and your spouse get on the same page about discipline? How has it worked in your house? Let us know in the comments!

MARRIAGE MONDAY: THE MARRIAGE CURE

We do love our children! But as this post from Brad Aldrich points out, sometimes our marriages can get "under the weather." 

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Does your marriage have a case of the children-pox? The possible signs of this insidious disease include:

You fall into a sleep coma the moment “time together” finally starts.The only thing going bump in the night is when you run into your kids toys while checking on them before bed.Your budget has more money for special times with the kids then it does for date night.

You fall into a sleep coma the moment “time together” finally starts.

The only thing going bump in the night is when you run into your kids toys while checking on them before bed.

Your budget has more money for special times with the kids then it does for date night.

Children-pox is an subtle marriage disease that happens when a couples allow their relationship to entropy into just being about the kids. Why is this such a problem in couples today?

Before we look at the solution to this problem let’s talk about how couples contract the illness. 

The Illness:

Contrary to popular belief, this illness is caught long before a couple has their first child. Part of the problem comes from how each of us defines the word happiness. Men tend to measure happiness in terms of results, while women tend to measure happiness in terms of relationships. As we are dating, both men and women see happiness in the same way--the advancement of the relationship. Once we are married this changes. 

Men have the result they were seeking and often fall into the magic ring disease. Which send them focusing on new challenges, often in the form of new careers full of potential for new results and happiness. While men are off hunting their next “result” their wives are seeking the “happily ever after” relationship they always dreamed of. 

When children enter, either biologically or by adoption, many women find exactly what they feel they have been missing, a special relationship with someone who needs them. They throw themselves into the life of this new addition and the children-pox starts in a full blown case.

Note to Husbands:

Guys, we often blame our wives for throwing themselves into the life of the kids and ignoring us; it is easy to blame your marriage struggles on your wife. I challenge all of you to look further--don’t ignore how your relationship, or lack of a relationship, with your wife has contributed to the two of you catching the children pox. This is not a mom disease. This is a couple issue!

The Treatments:

Early Inoculation

Any couples reading this that have not jumped into the children stage yet should think about getting your shots before you do! Don’t get me wrong, I love parenting! We have been blessed by our 2 biological children and 1 adopted child, but I am really glad that Kate and I had several years of just the two of us before we started having kids. I think this early inoculation of time can really help keep a couple focused even when kids come along later.

Annual Vaccination

The simplest form of vaccination is a vacation, a vacation away together for just the two of you! One time a year, take one day, or two if you can, to run away just the two of you! Spend time away reconnecting, talking, listening, loving, relaxing together! 

Don’t let money get in the way of this important time away. Budget for it all year if you have to. If you absolutely cannot afford to go away, then propose a kid swap with a couple that you trust. Offer to take their kids for a night or a weekend, while they get away then have them return the favor. That way you can at least have a night with the house all to yourselves. Just remember to spend the time reconnecting, not cleaning!

Monthly Treatment

Date nights. I know it is cliché but I think having a regular date night with your spouse is critical! Find time to get out of the house just the two of you at least once a month!

Daily Vitamins

Make a point to have regular, hopefully daily, conversation with each other that has nothing to do with the kids. What are you doing at work? What are you reading? What are you thinking? Talk! You managed to do it while you were dating; it is time to remember how now! This small dose of time about the two of you will go a long way to keeping the children pox from fully taking over!

Remember your Mission

God gave you the blessing of children to raise and release! He did not plan for you to keep them forever. I think all parents dream of seeing their child one day get married. I want my kids to have an amazing marriage! Guess what? I only have now to start teaching them what that looks like. 

Let’s all dedicate ourselves to growing our marriages to be a God-honoring example to the next generation! 

Take your vitamins and grow your marriage!

Have you successfully recovered your relationship from a case of the children-pox? 

Let us know how you did it in the comments!

MARRIAGE MONDAY: COMMUNICATION UPSTAIRS

Brad from One Flesh Marriage shares with us for this month's Marriage Monday post. Be encouraged in your prayer life today! Read more posts from our Marriage Monday series and bless your children!

You will be encouraged in your marriage as adoptive/foster parents at Hope at Home 2013, September 27-28. Find out more details and to Register Today-- it will be a wonderful time of connection and help for your parenting journey!

From Brad:

Men are notoriously bad communicators. Most men would love to get their point across with as few words as possible. Then we go to church and are told that we need to “pray without ceasing”? Communicate, with God, without stopping? Really? Is that even possible?

Prayer is a conversation with our Father. It is our connection. As a history buff I have often thought about how difficult it would have been to have a strong relationship with another person when the only option was writing letters. But if we don’t pray, the only communication we have with our Abba father is his letter to us. 

In my relationship with our father I have discovered four different types of prayer. All are important and happen at different times and ways.

Prayers of Desperation

This is in-the-moment lifting up prayers about immediate issues, questions, or problems, seeking God’s guiding hand. This is something that I have been in the habit of for a long time, and how I pray most frequently. More often than not, I simply ask, “Lord, I have no idea what to say or do, give me direction."

Prayers of Conversation

These are longer, more in depth prayers where both talking, and more importantly, listening happens. For me, I periodically will take a pen and journal, disappear to somewhere quiet and listen, lifting up my thoughts, plans, concerns and weakness, listening for God’s whispers in response. 

I really enjoy these get away times, and cherish the things that I have learned when I remember to take the time to get my head out of the day to day, and just sit and listen. Unfortunately, it is all too easy to allow life or crisis' crowd out these times.

Prayers of Everyday

These are the prayers for the everyday things that go on all the time, for the lives of your family, the daily conversation about what is going on with God. This is where the conversation with God is supposed to happen. Of course you don’t need to go around your day muttering to yourself, or asking God to help you pick out your morning cereal. That isn’t what "pray without ceasing" means anyway. All this verse means is that you carry God with you all day. 

Prayers Together

Many couples do not pray together. Maybe they say something over their food, but they don’t take time to actually stop and pray together about and for each other. Why? Because it is way too intimate! Yes, you heard me right; I think most couples don’t pray because it is too intimate. 

How do you start this type of upstairs communication? Well, it simply requires one person to grab the other and say, “Can we pray together?” Will it be uncomfortable at first? Yes, I am sure that it will, because it is so intimate. As you get more and more comfortable talking to God together you will find that it does amazing things to draw you together!

Do you pray together regularly? If so how did you make it a habit?

If you don’t pray together why not?
Share with us in the comments!

WHEN YOU DREAM

Marriage Monday!

Great to hear from Brad Aldrich for our Marriage Monday post this month. Brad and his wife Kate are adoptive parents and live in Pennsylvania. They write regularly about marriage at their wonderful blog, One Flesh Marriage. 

Some day that darling little boy or sweet adorable baby girl will grow up. As parents, that distant future seems very far away and very close at the same time. It seems like just yesterday I was celebrating our first forever family day welcoming our little one home from Ethiopia, and yet I know that it won’t be long till my babies are moving out, getting married and maybe having babies of their own. 

Do you dream of those days? Do you wonder who your babies will become? What kind of careers they will have?

Who they will marry? 

Every parent dreams of these far off days with a hope that they will be able to give their kids all of the skills they will need to successfully navigate toward a happy future. If you think about it, most of our energies in raising kids are about helping them to develop the skills necessary for their future. 

You want them to have a great career, so you help them do their best in school. You want them to grow in their faith, so you help them get involved in great youth programs and teach them about Jesus. You want them to care for others, so you help them understand the world around them. 

So what are you doing to make sure they will have a great marriage? 

There is only one way to teach a child about marriage. It can’t be taught in books, or in theory; it is only taught by what they see. Your children will start with a model of marriage that is based on your marriage. 

So what are your kids learning?

Are they learning to prioritize marriage? 

Are they learning that sex in marriage is worth waiting for?

Are they learning that marriage takes work but it is so worth it?

Are they learning that love is so much more than a fuzzy feeling?

Are they learning that a one flesh marriage is an amazing lifelong journey?

Or are they learning the opposite?

If you dream of your kids having an amazing marriage one day, make sure you invest some time in your own marriage today to give them a good place to start!

Father God, I ask you now that you would breathe fresh life into my marriage. Where we are weak, strengthen us. I am trusting you to use my relationship with my wife/husband as a source of life for my child(ren). And even now, in faith I ask you for a godly husband for my daughter(s), a godly wife for my son(s). Thank you! Amen.

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THE CHILDREN POX

Marriage Monday!

Time again to remember how important our marriages are in this adoption journey. Here is another great post from Brad Aldrich at One Flesh Marriage

Does your marriage have a case of the children-pox? The tell-tale signs of this insidious disease manifest when a married couple allows their relationship to be always and only  about the kids. Why is this such a problem in marriages today? 

Before we look at the solution to this problem let’s talk about how many couples contract the illness. 

The Illness:

Contrary to popular belief, this illness is caught long before a couple has their first child. Part of the problem comes from how each of us defines the word happiness. 

Men tend to measure happiness in terms of results and successes. Women tend to measure happiness in terms of relationships. As we are dating both men and women see happiness as the same thing, the advancement of the relationship. Once we are married this changes. 

Men can drift into focus on the next new challenge, often in the form of new work providing for their new responsibility. While men are off hunting their next “result” wives are seeking the "happily ever after" relationship they had always dreamed of. 

Along comes baby, or child either through birth or adoption, and lo and behold many women find exactly what they feel they have been missing, a special relationship with someone who needs them. They throw themselves into the life of this new relationship and the children-pox progresses into a full blown case.

Guys, we often blame our wife for throwing herself into the life of the kids and ignoring us, (it is easy to see the case of pox happening this way), but I would challenge all of you to look further--to look how your relationship, or lack of a relationship with your wife, has contributed to the two of you catching the children pox.

Treat Your Children-Pox:

Early Inoculation:

Any couples reading this who have not jumped into the children stage yet should think about getting your shots before you do! Don’t get me wrong, I love parenting, but I am really glad that Kate and I had several years of just the two of us before we started having kids. I think this early inoculation of time can really help keep a married couple focused even when kids come along later. For those of you waiting to adopt, be intentional about "storing up" some time together before your child comes home. Those first months are intense and the season of adjustment is demanding on everyone in the family.

Annual Vaccination:

The simplest form of vaccination is a vacation, a vacation away together just the two of you! Once a year take one day or two days, if you can, to run away just the two of you! Spend time away reconnecting, talking, listening, loving, relaxing together! Don’t let money get in the way of this important time away. Budget for it all year if you have to. If you absolutely cannot afford to go away, then propose a kid swap with a couple that you trust. Offer to take their kids for a night or a weekend, while they get away then have them return the favor. That way you can at least have a night with the house all to yourselves. Just remember to spend the time reconnecting, not cleaning!

Monthly Treatment:

Date nights! Having a regular date night with your spouse is critical! Find time to get out of the house just the two of you at least once a month. Don’t be ashamed to schedule your time and put it on the calendar. That way you can prioritize it and honestly tell anyone demanding that time, “I’m sorry but I already have something on the calendar for that time.”

Daily Vitamins:

Make a point to have regular, hopefully daily, conversations with each other that have nothing to do with the kids. What are you doing at work? What are you reading? What are you thinking? Talk! You managed to do it while you were dating; it is time to remember how now. This small dose of time about the two of you will go a long way to keeping the children pox from fully taking over!

What do you do to keep the children-pox at bay in your marriage?

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SUNDAY MORNING SUIT OF ARMOR

Marriage Monday

Wonderful to hear from Brad Aldrich again for our Marriage Monday post. We realize at Hope at Home that your relationship with your spouse is the primary relationship in your home. We don't want to focus on our children alone. As we bless our marriages, we bless our children!

You will be able to meet Brad and his wife Kate at HOPE AT HOME 2012. 

Early Bird Registration Rates are good until August 15, so take a moment to register by clicking HERE. 

Ahh, Sunday mornings. The glorious day the family cheerily walks arm in arm into church ready to worship God with beaming smiles!

 As my alarm clock screams and I try desperately to shake the sleep out of my eyes and the kids out of bed the illusion of that happy church day dream quickly disappears. 

Sunday Chaos

A while back Kate and I noticed a pattern. We noticed that the most likely time for us to get into an argument was in the 10 minutes before we got the family into the car to head to church. After a few of these arguments happened we started to talk about it. 

The truth was there was only one difference about this day from any other. Sure we were trying to get everyone out the door on a time schedule, but that happens frequently. The one difference was the destination.

All of the sudden these disagreements took on a different flavor, we recognized that this was not simply a case of being over tired, losing shoes, or my missing my morning cup of coffee. This was an attack. 

We Are Not Alone

As we started talking to other couples we discovered that we were not the only ones that had pretty horrible experiences on Sunday morning. I actually suspect that 8:30 am Sunday is the most argued over time of the week!

John 10:10 says it well, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (NLT)  What do you think the “thief” would like to steal most? 

• Our time worshiping Christ. 
• Our children learning about Christ. 
• Our family walking arm and arm together to go to church. (ok that might be a little too “Leave It To Beaver”, but you get the idea)

It’s Time To Fight Back

Recognizing that we are under attack on Sunday morning’s has helped me take a different attitude for the moment my alarm goes off. No longer do I hear its dulcet tones easing me out of sleep, on Sunday mornings I hear a battle cry! 

Ephesians 6: 10-18 echoes in my ears as I get ready for the day. 

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. (NIV) 

I’m not remembering to wear a belt I’m strapping on my Belt of Truth! Forget shoes, it’s time to put on the gospel of peace!  

Trust me on Sunday’s those shoes of peace come in mighty handy! I still feel the potential to jump into conflicts. I still feel irritated when the kids can’t seem to locate their left shoe or drip toothpaste down their clean shirt when we should have left five minutes ago. Remembering Peace, Truth, Righteousness, Faith, Salvation and of course the Sword of the Sprit helps me to keep my cool. 

A Special Job for The Men

Men, I believe it is our chance to lead the way Sunday mornings! We should be the first out of bed, the first to help the others find that lost shoe, and the first to get the hair bows in straight. We should also be extra sure that we have our feet fitted with the Gospel of peace! And if necessary remember that peace when it’s time to put that foot in your mouth! If you lead with your attitude, your enthusiasm and your time, then your family will follow!  

They may not be linking arms singing their way in the church doors, but having them all there with smiles ready to worship God is worth it!