MARRIAGE MONDAY: "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG"--3 QUESTIONS TO ASK FIRST

Brad from One Flesh Marriage shares on a topic we all can relate to I am sure--what do we do when we disagree with the way our spouse is parenting our children? It is always good to hear the voice of an adoptive father! 

Any time you bring two people together there are going to be differences in how you parent kids. You talk to them differently, you play with them differently, and you will correct and discipline them differently. It is in this last area that conflicts between couples usually start to creep in. 

When we see our spouse disciplining the kids in a way that we wouldn’t, it is very easy to step in and want to take over. Sometimes that might even be appropriate, but first you need to stop and ask yourself a few questions.

1. What do you Know to be True?

Is your spouse a good parent? Would you normally say they are a good dad? Or a good mom? If you genuinely believe that they are a good parent, then you need to really pause before jumping in and taking over disciplining. Remember this truth and ask yourself the next question.

2. Is your Spouse in Control? 

Are they making rational decisions that they will agree with when the heat of the moment passes? I vividly remember a moment of clarity while holding my screaming son--that all of the shaken baby warning commercials suddenly made since. I gently laid him in the crib and told my wife I needed a break. We all reach that point, and it is important to play tag team before we get there. However, if your spouse is in control, but doing something you would do differently, then hang on and ask yourself the next question before doing anything else. 

3. Why do you Want to Jump in?

If you want to fix the problem, stop the child’s behavior, minimize the damage or avoid an argument then you need to wait. That is exactly what your spouse is trying to do. That is what discipline is all about anyway, so let your spouse do their thing. Yes, it might not be how you would do it, but it is much better to allow them to continue then to jump in. 

If on the other hand, you want to support your spouse, you can stand next to them, and find specific ways you can support them and show your children that you are on the same team. 

But What if I REALLY Didn’t Like it?

What do you do if you answered all three questions and recognized you had to wait but you really had a problem with how your spouse was disciplining the children? In this situation you need to find a time to talk about your concerns later, when the children are not in the room to hear your discussion. You can plan on what methods you are going to use, and what you are not going to use. The heat of the moment is not the time to talk about your methods. You can plan what you do and don’t do later. 

But before you go imposing your way, remember, kids are naturally very adaptable. They understand that things change based on different environments and different care givers. Even at a very young age they will know that a behavior that is ok in your family room is not appropriate in Grandma’s living room. They are ok if you and your spouse parent and discipline somewhat differently. Should the rules totally change? No, consistency is best as much as possible, but how those rules are carried out will vary from parent to parent-- and that is ok! 

What have you done to help you and your spouse get on the same page about discipline? How has it worked in your house? Let us know in the comments!

MORE PRACTICAL PARENTING IDEAS

From Beth:
You may have read last week's post sharing some practical strategies to train your child in healthy and godly ways of thinking and behavior. This post is a follow up to that one, with more ideas to try with your children. For when we parent in grace, we realize there is no place for punishment, but endless opportunity for discipline and training, and the sowing of many seeds awaits us in our day-to-day relationship with our child!


~ Here is a little disclaimer before I go forward: Susan and I are hesitant sometimes to share practical parenting advice. There are a few reasons for this. One is that there are so many wonderful ministries doing and excellent job already. Another is that we want to be very careful not to dishonor our children in any way when sharing the things we have struggled with that involve our kids--we desire to protect their privacy . And we in no way want to imply that there is one way to parent, or that we or anyone for that matter have the answers you need. Certainly we have received wisdom and we love to share it; we ourselves have learned a ton about parenting simply by copying others! But we always want to point you to the One who is the best Counselor and Helper, the One who Loves like no other and is the Light in my Darkness --and yours, and theirs, and everyone's.

But the main reason we may hesitate to share practical parenting advice is we are so convinced that all the best parenting in the world can not heal your child, nor can it give you what you most need in order to love them well. It is a very short step from being an avid student of parenting to actually placing my trust in my own parenting, in essence, trusting in myself. Good parenting is helpful and will make a signifiant difference in your family life and even in the life of your child, but it is only a container for the healing work of the Holy Spirit, not the healing itself. We never want to place our hope in our parenting, even though both of us thought at the beginning of our adoption journeys that if we read the right books, went to the right conferences, and put into practice all of that wonderful wisdom, that all of this would produce the godly children we were pouring our lives into raising.  It is clear to us that our hope is in Christ alone for salvation, healing, joy, purpose, connection, identity, inspiration, unity and wholeness.

So, back to the topic at hand! As we said last time, we don't want to stop at simply telling our children what not to do; we are looking for ways to equip them--to parent them forward into their identity in Christ. A very effective strategy Stephen and I have found to do this is to take the time to have some sort of follow up, or an affirming resolution to whatever the issue was that required discipline. 

Ask Questions
The use of questions is a great help in encouraging your child to enter into a true discussion with you. Remember, relationship is the heart of GRACE, so everything we do to nurture relationship and connection with our child, especially in the context of discipline, will bear eternal fruit. Some well thought out questions will guide your child to discover some realities for themselves. I don't know if you have the same problem that I do, but it is so easy for me to go into "lecture mode" when I want to correct my child. And what makes it worse is that our teens often felt that the stringing of two or three words together in a row constituted a lecture! So, asking questions is helpful in eliciting your child's involvement in the training process. And it has the added benefit of helping them learn to be a thinker.

Ask, What Went Wrong?
It has been fascinating for Stephen and me to see how often our children did not actually know why they were "in trouble," as they would put it. I remember one fairly typical scenario when our son had a spelling test. We had been working with him on getting his homework done with some degree of

excellence. His only goal in doing school work was to finish it as fast as possible. And I mean only--the idea that he would actually learn something or try to have correct answers was so not in his mindset! So, we had asked him if he had any homework or quizzes and he confidently said that he had nothing. You probably know where this is going, right? Later that week a failed spelling test comes home and so of course, we speak with him about it. As a natural consequence, he was not able to go out to play that afternoon so that he could learn to spell the words he had not studied earlier in the week. But when we had our follow up later that night and asked him, "Do you know why you weren't able to go out to play today?" his response was, "Because I got a bad grade on my spelling test." 
It was so good that we asked him, because in no way did we want to communicate that a bad grade would bring the "punishment" (which is how it felt to him) of not playing outside. If he had told the truth and studied, and then done poorly, we would not have responded that way at all. We were then able to go over what happened so that he could understand the real issue, and begin to help him make adjustments to his approach to homework. 
Over time, and with this child this did take some years for him to learn not to let the goal of finishing fast be his only objective, we are empowering our child to take responsibility for his/her actions and to learn new ways to do things. Asking the question helps define the problem, training your child not to see himself as a victim of circumstance (or of his mean parents!), nor to blame others in an attempt to avoid taking responsibility. 

Ask, Why Was That A Problem?
This provides an opportunity to talk with your child about the character and values your family honors. It helps get past the behavior as the main issue, so that you can access the heart attitude. When your child won't share her dolls, helping her imagine how that feels for her friend will open her heart past her primary drive to protect her belongings. Asking questions like, "how do you think Jenny felt when you wouldn't let her play with your dolls too?" or "remember when your brother didn't let you build with his legos yesterday? What did that feel like?" will begin to expand your child's ability to understand values like honor, kindness, generosity, hospitality, etc. 

This is an ideal to time train your child in forgiveness-- both the asking for and the giving of. It was helpful for us to teach our children to say, "I am sorry I _________. Will you please forgive me?" and "Yes, I forgive you." This took some time (we often had to do "re-dos" and give them the time they needed to be able to say these things with authenticity), but it helped by pass the angry/hurt and never effective, "I'm soooooorrrrrryyyyyy!"

I would also add here that it is a powerful thing to model this for your child. Don't miss an opportunity to ask your child for forgiveness when you've yelled at them, or ignored them, or any of the things we all do on occasion. Asking for and receiving their forgiveness empowers them to do the same, and will strengthen your relationship like nothing else. 

Speak Identity Into Your Child
Before you end your follow up time, allow the Holy Spirit to give you something positive to say about your child, especially looking forward into their future. Parenting in Grace is always forward looking and filled with hope. So no matter how bad things are at the moment, even if your child has opposed you every step of the way and resisted your efforts to train, you will find the Lord always has something good to say about him/her. Always. One of our children was terribly clever at getting things his way (notice the use of the word terribly!) so it was easy for me to say something like, "You are going to be such a wonderful employee when you are older. You are so good at solving problems and getting things done. Your boss is going to love you!" Or maybe you can say, "What a tender heart you have. You really do feel it when something is not right, don't you? I can tell you will be such a wonderful husband/wife one day. The best!"

So, how about you? Would you leave a comment here and share some things that are working in your home? I know God is at work in our families and He has shared some strategies with you that we all would love to hear! 

RELATIONSHIP, NOT RULES

From Beth Templeton:

Have you ever asked yourself if the fact that you are a Christian makes any real difference to your parenting? Does my relationship with Jesus cause me to parent differently than my worldly neighbors? How does my revelation of the gospel of God's Amazing Grace change and inform the way I raise my family?

We here at Hope at Home are passionate about seeing the beauty of the Gospel lived out in our homes. What does it look like where the rubber meets the road? In the real life moments:  
when your toddler is in the thick middle of a fit or a rage? 
when a child is sad because she has no friends?
when your son lies about doing his homework? 
when everyone is in the car to go to church and you begin to          back out of the driveway and realize someone is missing (turns out they are inside screaming, "I can't find my shoes!")

We can sit in church and bible studies and go on the occasional retreat or mission trip, but if we don’t flesh out what we are learning (those truths that we give assent to and believe), in the day to day realities of our homes, then surely we are missing something!

Relationship, not Rules
Tana's wonderful post on Discipline and Punishment brought a refreshing clarity to one of the key ways our parenting looks different because we are the recipients of Grace. It boils down to this I believe-- the Gospel is about 
Relationship, not Rules. 

But oh how we wish someone would give us a list of rules to live by! There is something about the simplicity of a list of rules that is awfully attractive! Neat and clean and simple, right? A quick read of the Old Testament cures us of that notion though. I have definitely become a FAN of GRACE!

1 Peter 1:3 tells us that everything you and I need to be able to parent our children is found, not in a list of parenting "do's and don'ts," but rather in our relationship with Jesus:

“His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.”

Grace is a Person-- the Person of Christ. You and I are co-laboring with Grace, with Jesus, as we parent our children. 
So, as we face the innumerable decisions demanded of us as parents, we see that God has graciously given us what we need by getting to know, really know, Jesus. 

Since the gospel is about relationship, not rules, so our parenting needs to be about relationship, not rules. 

And just to be sure we are on the same page-- we are not talking about cultural grace here. It’s not about being nice (gracious) or overlooking someone’s weaknesses. 
We are talking about Heavenly Grace, biblical grace that accesses POWER from heaven, applying the full effect of the cross. This Grace is the power to parent each one of our children.

Sin Prevention vs. Identity Discovery and Nurture
Under the Law, there are strict, rigid rules enforced by punishment, accompanied by shame and fear-- the fear of being caught and of being punished, and the shame of being exposed. As a result, a strong desire to hide and lie develops. The fact of the matter is that no matter how many rules we put in place, we cannot keep our children from sinning, can we? Rules have their purpose, but we see clearly in scripture, as well as in our own lives, that creating and enforcing a list of rules does not result in godly behavior and intimate relationship. 

When we look around us we see that most parenting is really all about trying to deal with the problem of sin by establishing rules in the hopes of preventing the opportunity for sin to manifest. We see this parenting approach in Christian and non-christian homes, don't we? The goal is clearly sin-prevention, rather than identity discovery and nurture. 

On the other hand, under Grace, the relationship is the focus, not the rules. I think of it as Parenting from the Inside, Out. We absolutely do deal with sin, but we deal with it "in Christ," that is, in relationship. There is NOTHING that we can do to make God love us more, nor is there anything we can do to cause Him to love us less. So from that eternally safe vantage point, we are learning not to be sin-conscious, but rather we are learning to be Christ-conscious. We are learning to rely on our relationship with the Lord, being aware of Him as we parent our children, rather than being primarily aware of a list of rules. And we begin to enjoy the freedom of asking, "What is the Lord doing? What is He saying?" rather than, "How can I stop this behavior?"

I remember a few years ago Susan Hillis and I were both in the process of addressing significant issues with our two of our adopted teens. The issues were similar, at least in the outward appearance, and we were both practicing being more conscious of Christ in us and in our children than conscious of the manifestation of the sin itself. The next day we both began to share what we felt the Lord was saying. Susan said that the Lord showed her that she needed to handle the situation by treating her daughter as if she were a little girl. Not in a condescending way, but in a way that would address her needs and get at the root of the behavior. As many of you who are raising adopted children know, sometimes the behavior we see is that little girl or boy who still is reacting out of the pain of their past. How kind of the Lord to help Susan see what was really going on underneath the teenage anger. And I shared that as I was taking a walk and praying through the situation, having no sense of what Stephen and I should do, felt the Lord say, "parent him like a man." A completely different approach than the Lord gave Susan. He began to show me that what our son needed at that moment was for us to engage with him as if he had more emotional maturity than he was showing. I believe the Lord had us take that approach because what our son needed was for us to call forth the maturity that he so desperately wanted. 
In both of these situations there were consequences and action was taken, but our parental response was forward looking as a part of our child's training in their identity, rather than backward looking in reaction to their behavior. 

When we parent out of the relationship we have with Jesus, we find a refreshing and life-giving approach to the issues we face, not based on a rigid list of rules, but informed by an intimate knowledge and love. 

We will see our children walk as godly young people not by our external rules, but by the ever-increasing revelation (theirs and ours!) that we are indwelt by the Living God--
“Christ in you, the hope of glory.” (Colossians 1:27) 

In some follow up posts I'll talk about parenting the heart, and rules and boundaries. Grace does not throw those out, you know, it simply does not expect them to accomplish what they cannot. So stay tuned! 

Hope at Home has an active Facebook Page and we'd love for you to join our community there. It's a great place to enjoy encouragement in the Lord for your parenting and to connect with other parents who "get it." We also keep you updated with Hope at Home events and share helpful resources. It is a real joy to do this together!!
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DISCIPLINE AND PUNISHMENT

We want to introduce you to our good friend, Tana Carder. Tana is happily married to Bryan Carder, and is a homeschooling, stay-at-home mom to Sean, age seven. The sixth of sixteen children, ages fifteen to forty, thirteen of whom are adopted, Tana is very familiar with adoption, needless to say! We so appreciate her gift of wisdom as a mother. She hopes that her parenting and insights convey the love and grace of Jesus with which she has been blessed.

Punishment and Discipline

Is it really just a matter of semantics, or does the difference between these two words go to the very heart of family dynamics and the relationship between parent and child? I love this post from Beth Templeton that uses the word 'training' instead of discipline as an alternative to punishment, because it sweeps any possible argument about semantics away. However, I know that 'discipline' is a popular term in Christian parenting, so today that's the word I'll discuss.

What Do Punishment and Discipline Mean?

Punishment is "suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution" or "a penalty inflicted on an offender through judicial procedure" or even "severe, rough, or disastrous treatment." 
Discipline is, "punishment" or "training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character" or "control gained by enforcing obedience or order" (Merriam-Webster). 
It's easy to see why the lines between the two are blurry. From a parenting point of view, though, I think we can have more clarity. To put it simply, discipline guides and teaches, while punishment exacts retribution for the purpose of behavior modification. Discipline is a parent's effort to discover the why's of a child's poor choices and help them to make positive heart changes (that tend to lead to behavior changes) while protecting the parent-child relationship and encouraging the child in his identity in Christ. Let me  give you a recent example before we continue.

What does Punishment look like?

Recently on the internet an image went around of a child holding a sign explaining that due to his ingratitude for an action figure that he received at church, he was forced to sell the Playstation 3 his parents had planned to give him and use the money to buy toys for less fortunate children. 

I'm sure his punishment taught him that in the future he should pretend to be grateful even when he isn't to avoid future suffering, loss, and public humiliation. What punishment did not teach the boy was that even if he doesn't like a gift, he can be truthfully grateful that someone cared enough about him to give him something and react graciously to protect the giver from hurt feelings without pretending. 
He also most likely learned that his parents are bullies who care more about being seen as 'effective' parents than they do about his heart. They probably are not, but that's the message that punishment sends. It says, "I am more powerful than you are, and if you do not please me, I will hurt you, and shame you, and make you pay." 

     

Discipline, on the other hand, would possibly have had the parents taking the child aside privately, (because love does not shame the beloved), guiding him to think about how he would feel if the roles were reversed, and getting him involved in willingly doing something positive to make things right with the giver (restitution, not retribution). I'm not sure what, because I think it would be important to find out what the child felt was the path to restitution. It's possible that since this was a gift from church, no one else was personally involved until his parents posted it for internet scrutiny. It still would have been a great opportunity to teach the boy to say, "Thank you so much for thinking of me," or, "That's so generous of you, thank you!" when presented with an unwanted gift. This would have taught the boy that others' feelings are as important as his own without causing needless suffering and damage to his relationship with his parents.

What Does the Bible Say About Punishment? 

Let's take a look at Proverbs 13:24, 
"He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him." (NIV) 
It's fair to say that many parents choose to define 'discipline' as 'punishment' when they read this verse. However, I believe the use of the word 'rod' is a reference to guiding sheep with a shepherd's rod. No where are we led to understand that the shepherd uses the rod to hit or cause pain to the sheep. He uses it to nudge and to guide them in the right direction, or possibly holds it out beside them like a safety rail so they don't walk off a cliff (sheep aren't very clever). He also uses it to ward off predators, to defend his sheep from harm. A shepherd who didn't use his staff to guide and protect his sheep wouldn't have many sheep for very long. Verses 1-4 of Psalm 23 describe what the Shepherd does, and I think we can use that as our example of how to use the proverbial rod.

"The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need.

 He lets me rest in green meadows;

 he leads me beside peaceful streams.

 He renews my strength.

 He guides me along right paths,

 bringing honor to his name.

 Even when I walk

 through the darkest valley,

 I will not be afraid,

 for you are close beside me.

 Your rod and your staff

 protect and comfort me." (NLT)

He leads his sheep, he guides them on right paths, he protects and comforts. He does not use his rod and staff to exact retribution on his sheep for acting like sheep. 

We are Free From the Fear of Punishment (so our kids should be, too). 

 1 John 4:16-18 says, 

"We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world. Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love." (NLT)

If we are free from fear, how can we want anything less for our children? I don't want to send my child the message that he is free from fear of punishment from God, but he had better be watching out for punishment from me! I know I don't love perfectly, but my love is growing more perfect as I live in God, so there is no place for fear in my relationship with my child. That means that there is also no place for punishment, only the training and instruction that comes from the Lord.

And in Romans 8:1-4 we see that, 

"So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death." (NLT)

Punishment is "a penalty inflicted on an offender through judicial procedure." If there's no condemnation because the just requirement of the law is fully satisfied by Christ's sacrifice, then there can be no punishment. If God isn't condemning and punishing me, then when I condemn and punish my child, I am not reflecting God's grace. I am setting a poor example for my child to follow.   

Reflecting God's Grace

As a mother, I'm not trying to fit my child into a “good Christian” mold, I'm striving at every turn to show him Jesus (to guide him along right paths), to put my son's hands into Jesus' (so that even when he walks through the darkest valley, my boy will never be afraid), to let Christ's grace pour through me to anoint every aspect of Sean's life at every opportunity. I prefer the word discipline over punishment, because it implies teaching and instruction. It prizes restitution over retribution. It means that I will be giving my child the tools to be free to do the right thing because that's what is in his heart due to his identity in Christ, instead of behaving properly because he is bound by fear. 'Training' is even better, because it erases any possible ambiguity between words and definitions. Coaches train athletes, preparing them to play well and be victorious. I want to be the kind of parent who trains my child, preparing him to live abundantly and be victorious in Jesus. I pray the same abundance and victory for you and your children, and I hope that my thoughts have been useful to you in your parenting journey.

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PARENTING IN GRACE: PUNISHMENT VS TRAINING

Beth and her husband Stephen look forward to seeing many of  you at the HOPE AT HOME 2011 Conference in September. Register now to enjoy the Early Bird Registration break.

In the first post we wrote back in March on this blog, entitled JOYFUL PARENTING, I spoke about the desire to see our parenting reflect the Good News-- to see the truth of God's Grace worked out in our families, where the proverbial rubber meets the road. We can sit in  bible studies and go on mission trips, but if we don't flesh all of these truths out in the realities of life in our homes, with our children, then surely we are missing something. So, the issue of PARENTING IN GRACE is one of great interest and significance for us. What does it look like? Isn't the law necessary in order to keep our children safe and well-behaved? What is the role of punishment?

No Longer Sin-Conscious

The Gospel is about relationship, not rules. So, our parenting needs to be about relationship, not rules! I don't believe there is a place for punishment in parenting because I see that Jesus bore the punishment of each of us on the cross. He has saved us from it, at the same time imputing His righteousness to us. As we raise our children, year after year exposing the devastation of neglect and rejection to the healing of God's mighty love, we have the freedom no longer to be sin-conscious, but rather righteousness-conscious, that is--Jesus-conscious.

"through the law we become conscious of our sin." (Romans 3:20)

 No longer focused on behavior (what was done, what should be done, what shouldn't be done), but rather, we focus on what Jesus has already done for our child. 

"For our sake He made Christ to be sin who knew no sin, so that in and through Him we might become [endued with, viewed as being in, and examples of] the righteousness of God [what we ought to be, approved and acceptable and in right relationship with Him by His goodness.]" 2 Corinthians 5:21

But if we don't punish, what do we do? How do we respond to sinful behavior in our children? 

The Training that is Needed

Have you ever thought about the fact that no one has ever needed to train a child to be selfish or to take a toy that doesn't belong to her, or to hit when he is angry, or to cheat at a game, or to lie, fly into a rage, or steal.....? There is no training needed for that! But there is, no doubt, a training needed! 2 Timothy 3:16 speaks of  "training for righteousness." This kind of training is ours to do as parents. And we know that no training happens incidentally. The word "training" implies some labor on our part. As with any athlete in training, or musician, there is a plan, a goal--time is required, work is demanded. 

"Everyone who competes in the games goes into a strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever." 1 Corinthians 9:25

"...train yourself to be godly (discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness). For physical training is of some value, but godliness (spiritual training) has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come." 1 Timothy 4:7-8

The Problem with Punishment

Note the difference between Punishment and Training-- it is key as we raise our children. Punishment is backward looking, focused on the payment for a behavior or offense. It seeks to correct by exacting payment and is powerless to impart identity. (We spoke about identity in a previous post, PARENTING IN GRACE: IDENTITY.) Neither punishment, nor shame, it's close companion, are the stuff of Christian parenting. These are not tools for us any longer.

On the other hand, training is forward-looking, focused on the future, in preparation for and in anticipation of God's purposes and plans. Training and discipline exist for the purpose of serving the identity of your child-- an identity already imparted by Grace. It is our joy and privilege to disciple our children in Grace!

"Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians 6:4

God Parents Us as We Parent Our Children

Stephen and I have had to make many adjustments in our parenting over the years. Like many of you, adoption has shaken up our parenting greatly! And of course, the more we receive God's love for us and allow Him to parent us as His beloved children, the more we have had to adjust the way we parent our children. I encourage you today that there is no punishment or payment to be exacted from you as a parent. I imagine that, like me, you have not parented perfectly. Have you lost your temper, punished in anger or frustration, failed to take the time and effort required to train out of fatigue or even exhaustion? We have a gracious God who has given us His righteousness in Christ and who no longer counts our sins against us. Let us not look back to what we have done wrong as parents, but rather heed the Call of GRACE and HOPE, looking forward with expectation of God's goodness to be manifest our family.

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PARENTING IN GRACE: WHO IS THIS CHILD?

"To topple the 'stronghold of our experiences' we must 'let God be found true, though every man be found a liar' (Romans 3:4). The only One who has a right to shape our lives is Jesus Christ. We must determine to allow nothing and no one to shape us, not even our personal experiences, unless they are consistent with the promises of God. In truth, who is ruling our lives, God or our experiences?"
Francis Frangipane, The Three Battlefields 


Who is this child?
I heard once that personhood can be defined in three parts: (1) Identity, (2) Acceptance, (3) Approval. This intrigued me, as I have become increasingly convinced that our precious adopted children's wholeness and healing directly correlates with their understanding and belief in who they are. Do you remember what God the Father said about Jesus when He was baptized? "This is (1) My Son, (2) My Beloved, (3) In Whom I Delight!" (Matthew 3:17) Jesus received this public affirmation from His Father--his identity as a son of his Father, his acceptance as one who is loved, and the approving delight of his Father. When we ask the question, "Who is this child?" as parents, we have the opportunity to partner with the Holy Spirit to see God's eternal purposes manifested in his or her life, going way past the surface issues of behavior into the depth of their identity in Christ.


What is God Seeing? What is God Saying?
My favorite example of this is found in the story of Gideon (Judges 6)-- I love this story! There is Gideon threshing wheat in secret, hiding in a wine press so that the Midianite enemy can't steal it from him. And then the Angel of the Lord shows up and says, "The Lord is with you, you mighty man of valor." Notice, Gideon is not even wearing armor, he has no sword, he is hiding in justified fear--there is nothing about him that would indicate that he is indeed a "might man of valor." What in the world was God thinking?! More importantly, what was God seeing?


Facts or Truth?
Do you see the huge gap between the Word of the Lord and the facts at hand?!  There is a disturbing and direct opposition between God's words and what can be seen at the present moment. In this situation it is key to recognize the difference between facts and truth. Facts are simply an accurate description of a circumstance. Facts change, but Truth--God's Word-- remains.


How often do we look at our children and see only a repeated negative behavior or character trait. We must look to who they are in the Spirit. Notice, God did not say, "You will be a mighty man of valor once I finish my work in you." I don't know about you, but to me it almost feels like God made a mistake here. But rather, I think what is going on is that God saw something in Gideon in the Spirit, something that had not yet manifested but was, nevertheless, TRUE. Also, let's take note that God did not attack him with words like, "Gideon, you are a gutless wimp. Shape up here." As with Jesus, God spoke out loud into Gideon his identity in the very midst of the facts that spoke as loud as any words, "Fearful, not Mighty."


Calling Forth the Treasure
Part of our role as fathers and mothers is to speak WORDS OF LIFE and TRUTH
into our children--into, over, and in the midst of their brokenness, their pain and their sinful behavior. As I mentioned in my last post, Parenting in Grace: Identity,
you may find this "Parenting Forward" as counter intuitive as we have. It feels at times, especially in the heat of the moment when you are so disappointed, angry or worn-down, as if you are lying. But I think what is actually going on is that in that awesome moment of opportunity (that looks suspiciously like another behavior issue that you need to get control of!) you and I are actually "speaking those things that are not as though they were." (Romans 4:17) You are calling forth by declaration, or what my good friend Michelle calls "calling forth the treasure."


Words that Shape Identity
Stephen and I have discovered a wonderful benefit from doing this over the years. As we have declared Truth in the midst of opposing facts we have equipped our children with language for them to use when they think about who they are. Proverbs 23:7 says, "For as he thinks in his heart, so he is."  You and I have the awesome opportunity, given by God Himself, to speak words that shape how our children think of themselves and in doing so over and over throughout the years, we are actually shaping who they are--partnering with God to transform them from orphans into sons and daughters! Now that is something worth doing regardless of the cost!


A Real Life Example
Now, before I close, I'd like to give you an example from our experience. And please know that this is not how we always do things. We have tried to make it a part of the culture of our family, but we have missed the mark often--and still we see God be faithful. I thank Him for that daily. But let me tell you one story.  (Excuse my incorrect grammar as I strive to honor my children.)


One of our children came to us with an amazingly honed coping skill; this child could lie with the best! I am talking impressive here. At first we thought time would take care of this problem. Surely love and security would replace the need to lie regularly. As I fixated on the problem (never helpful--lesson learned!) I became anxious and fearful of where this behavior would lead our child. One thing I knew-- I needed prayer, for myself -- and for my child. As a group of trusted friends prayed, one felt strongly that God was saying that this child was actually a person of integrity and that they would in fact have a reputation for integrity. Now, at that point the facts were directly opposing this word and I had no vision for it, but by faith I made a choice to believe. It seems like a no-brainer now, but at that point it was a real leap! 


I vividly remember one day when something had been taken and our child looked me in the face and denied responsibility. I knew this was a lie. But how kind was God to remind me right then of that word--this is a person of integrity. So, with everything in me wanting to say, "You are a lier. Again you have lied. What is wrong with you?!" (I know that is ugly, but my fear for the future caused me to have such a strong reaction,) -- instead I declared out loud the Truth of this precious child's identity, calling that thing that was not as though it were. "You, my child, are a person of integrity. What you are saying is a lie, but you are not a lier. This is not who you are." And from that point on, over the years and to this day, we are very careful to publicly and privately celebrate this truth when we see it, and declare it as truth when we don't.  


I do want to clarify that there were still consequences to the lying; we aren't talking about sweeping things under the proverbial rug. I am thrilled and humbled to say that years later this amazing young person sat in an office at school and when asked what their strengths were, these were the words that came forth (the way our child thinks when asked about who they are), "People know they can trust me and rely on me." And it is absolutely true--this is the reputation of this young person. How thankful to God we are-- for it is clear to us that this is His hand at work. 


What are some of the "push backs" of this approach to parenting? What do we do when our child says, "No I'm not!" at our declarations? Any thoughts?

Part I: Connection Versus Correction?

Part 1: Connection versus Correction?

I have just returned from a Colorado conference called 'Empowered to Connect,' where I had the huge gift of learning from Dr. Karyn Purvis, Director of the Institute for Child Development at Texas Christian University, from her 12 years of developmental research on the needs and approaches to healing adopted and foster children.  

It was so striking to me to learn that often as parents we have our priorities flipped upside down:  we spend 80% of our time on correction (the red!), 10% on empowerment (meals/school/chores the yellow!), and 10% of connection (the green).  It is like a triangle trying to balance itself on its tip - it just won't work!  The child, like the triangle, just can't stand on a foundation of correction.  All those 'no's and 'stop's' and 'don'ts' just pile on the discouragement and wear down the spirit.

Instead, we need to flip the triangle and exchange the correction for the connection - no matter how impossible their behavior is!  In this model the triangle sits flat on its base, with the green (go!) at the bottom as a huge foundation.  No matter whether they are babies, toddlers, elementary age, teens, or young adults, connection is what is needed.  So...just how can we connect?  More on this in part 2!