EMBEDDED PRAYER

From Beth:

Susan Hillis and I, and our whole team, so ready to see you all at Hope at Home 2014. Oh how we would love for you to join us so that we can stand together with you, linking shields on behalf of each treasured child, the ones in your home and the ones yet to come home. Register Now for this special gathering created just for you! 

It is such fun to share on Facebook or Instagram the joyful and fun moments of our lives. We rejoice with one another in those sweet moments captured and shared--and this is how it should be. Here is a photo I shared this summer when all 7 of our children were together at the beach. Mind you it was all of 5 hours before two of the kids had to leave, after one had just arrived that morning, but we were not going to miss an opportunity to take a photo! So much goodness and evidence of God at work in this picture!!

But then there are those moments we would never think to take a photo of--and certainly NEVER would we share them on social media! Those moments of heartache and disappointment are the ones we private message to a trusted friend. God is Lord over them all, the private pains and public celebration. How thankful we all are that His faithfulness is not limited to the happy days of Facebook posts!

We get many private messages from parents whose children are in seasons of serious need and vulnerability--the kind of scenarios we have all so hoped to avoid. We hear stories of rebellion, addiction, psychological diagnoses, sexual acting out, unhealed attachment disorder, removal from home, trouble with the law..... 

And indeed, both Susan and I have faced many of these extreme situations in our own families, interspersed amongst the never-ending stream of true beauty and joy.

And we too have sought words of life and hope, both for our saddened hearts and for our children's lives. So, whether you are facing one of these extreme situations or not, I know that you are praying for your child, trusting God for wonderful things for him/her. In the end, is this not the bottom line for us parents? That our children thrive and enjoy the fullness of life that is theirs in Jesus? 

Take a quick look at what Jesus prays for Peter (Luke 22:32) before He is taken by the Roman guards, on His way to the cross. Remember, this is JESUS CHRIST PRAYING. He tells Peter, 

But I have prayed for you, Peter, that you would stay faithful to Me no matter what comes!

Now, I know you all know what happens in the ensuing hours. Despite Jesus' prayer, Peter does indeed break faith with Jesus. 

It might seem that Jesus' prayer for Peter was ineffective that Thursday night--that it somehow "didn't work." Is this even possible? How can this be?

But hold on a minute-- let's read what Jesus says next to his disciple: 

Remember this: After you have turned back to Me and have been restored, make it your life mission to strengthen the faith of your brothers! 

Jesus saw past the unfaithfulness to a time of repentance, restoration, and ministry. His prayer was embedded with provision for all contingencies!

And the very thing Jesus prayed for--that Peter would be faithful no matter what happened--becomes Peter's life mission. Peter spent the rest of his life, after being restored, ministering strength and faith into others. 

Jesus' prayer covered it all for Peter!

So my dear friends, let us not be dismayed by what appears at the moment to be unanswered or ineffective prayers. Let's embed our prayers for our children with plans and possibilities for all contingencies. And the very place of weakness, brokenness, or sin will become the place of strength for that struggling child. 

Think of it, when we think of Peter we think of the ROCK that he is. Even to this day, through the scripture, his words are strengthening us. We don't identify him according to his weakest moment. But rather, according to the words that Jesus spoke and prayed.

And I believe it is just so with that child you are praying for dear ones. We identify them according to who God says they are, even--and especially--in those seasons where their weakness or sin is most evident, and no one is asking to take a photo to share on social media.

For our prayers are embedded with the "no matter what comes" kind of situations, embedded with restoration and hope! 

Faithful God, I pray Your word from Psalm 91 (The Passion Translation) for my child:

He/She makes his/her home within the shadow of El Shaddai, hidden in the strength of God-Most-High. In Him ____________ always feels safe and secure! He's the Hope that holds _________, and the Stronghold to shelter him/her. The only God for ________, and his/her Great Confidence. He will rescue __________ from every hidden trap of the enemy, and He will protect him/her from false accusation and any deadly curse. His massive arms are wrapped around _________, protecting him/her. __________ can run under His covering of majesty and hide. His faithfulness is a wrap-around shield keeping __________ from harm. 

SOME POWERFUL WORDS OF APPROVAL

Before you read on, don't forget to check out Hope at Home 2014, September 26-27. Registration is open!

From Beth: 

Blessing. It is the simplest of things to do, as are so many of the things I forget to be intentional about in the daily swirl of parenting! 

I love to tell my daughter, "You are just amazing! I love who you are and I love it that I get to be your mommy." 

It is a joy to say to my son, "What a strong young man you are! It is just plain fun to be with you." 

Who of us does not desire that kind of approval?! I still see, after these many years later since our children first came home, that the need for blessing in our adopted children is even more key to their wholeness and identity than with our biological children.

Father God spoke powerful words of blessing over His Son:

And behold, a voice from heaven said, This is My Son, My Beloved, in Whom I delight!  (Matthew 3:17 AMP)

There is a lot in this short scripture for us!

• The voice that spoke the blessing was the Father. There is something powerful about a daddy's blessing. We mamas can and should bless too, for we have a voice of significant influence, but you fathers have a unique and powerful role in blessing your children.
  
• "My Son"--find ways to speak belonging, relationship, and connection. Father didn't say, "this is the son." He said "this is My son." I just love that!  
• "My Son"--never grow tired of speaking sonship to, with, about, and over your adopted child. A son or daughter is not an orphan. I see my children's perceived need of this truth to come and go over the 14 and 12 years they have been home, but I am absolutely convinced that they always are hungering for this declaration. Even now as young adults, maybe even more so actually because they are going through the sometimes complicated process of making sense of their identities, they sometimes struggle with what it means that they are no longer orphans.
• God spoke this defining blessing out loud where others could hear. I love speaking words of affirmation and blessing to my children in the hearing of their siblings, peers, and other adults. Sure, they may act embarrassed at some stages, but I can see they really love it underneath! For all of us, it just plain feels good when someone speaks of their pleasure in us. We are empowering our children when we bless them in front of others.
• "My Beloved"--we find ways to highlight that this is not just our son or daughter. Not only a child who was adopted, and so now has a familial connection to us. No! This is a much loved child. Oh how our children need to hear this. This reality may not be true for your children, but for ours, the fact is that they know from experience that not all sons and daughters are much loved.
• "My Beloved"--again, notice that Father God highlights the personal connection with His son. Jesus is not merely a beloved son, he is my beloved son. 
• "In Whom I Delight"--I love how God doesn't stop at familial relationship as He blesses Jesus. It's like He is saying, "There is even more than that! I like him--a lot. I enjoy him. He pleases me." Find ways to show your approval. Even, and especially, in those times when it is hardest to find something of which to approve!

And you know, God spoke these power words over His son before Jesus had done any miracles, or fulfilled His destiny, or made the choice to yield to the Father's will of death on the cross. We also can and should bless our children, not based on their performance, but on their identity--even and especially when their actions don't reflect the truth of who they are as a true son or daughter.

So my fellow parents, let's be intentional in speaking these kind of powerful words of approval and blessing and life into, about, over and with our children. I am seeing the fruit of it in our 4 adopted children who are now 19, 19, 21 and 23-- there is very little more satisfying than that for this mama! 

THE TREASURE HUNTER AND THE CHILD

From Beth:

It's what we parents do. We hunt for treasure. There isn't a day that goes by that hasn't given me the opportunity to seek out the treasure in my children. Now, I don't always take that opportunity, nevertheless, it is always there. 

In the house of the righteous there is much treasure (Proverbs 15:6)

There is indeed much treasure in each one of my children. But sometimes, (not always, but definitely sometimes) the treasure is hidden. 

In the days of Nehemiah the Jews had experienced a wonderful God-ordained rescue from captivity. Even so, even with a God-planned rescue, they were still living like poor squatters amongst the rubble of their past.

It is not so different for some of our children, is it? Adoption has delivered each one from his or her life in an orphanage, or from some form of life that simply could not support them. Even so, some of our treasured ones still live as orphans in one manner or another. Maybe your child hides and hoards food, or lies for no apparent reason despite appropriate consequences, or has fits of rage, or directs hateful words towards you despite your consistent acts of love, or is terrified of being left, or is inappropriately affectionate with strangers, or.... or.... or......

When God brought His people out of their captivity and back to Jerusalem, their true home, the walls and the gates of the city were a burnt out rubble. The walls that provided definition and boundaries were severely compromised. The walls that gave the city identity were in ruin. 

And the gates that provided access for what is allowed and good and whole, and protection from what is not allowed and unsafe, and unwelcome, were wrecked.

The survivors who are left from the captivity in the province are there in great distress and reproach. The wall of Jerusalem is also broken down, and its gates are burned with fire. (Nehemiah 1:3)

And it is in this context of parenting that I have become a treasure hunter. Amidst the rubble of my child's past I seek out the treasure in him.

My parenting becomes less about correcting the ripple-effect behaviors that reverberate from the enormous impact of their relinquishment, and more about Calling forth the Treasure that is hidden amidst the rubble and destruction. 

I become, in effect, a Treasure Hunter.

I know it is there, for it is revealed to me by the One who put it there in the first place. 
I know it is there, because sometimes I can see it clearly. What joy! 
And I have the honor to uncover and release this treasure. It is what parents do.  

What is the treasure in your child? What gifts has God given? What talents?

These questions have helped me so many times when I am walking through the rubble of my child's pain and am tempted to see only according to the flesh.

As we go about the work of adoption--that is the transformation of an orphan into a True Son or Daughter--as we go about rebuilding the walls of identity and restoring the broken places, let us seek the treasure in our precious children.

Let's remind each one, (and ourselves too!) that a child is not defined by his point of loss or weakest moments. Each son and each daughter is defined by the beautiful treasure of who God created them to be.

I see that one child has a strong mercy gift, another is called to be a leader, and another is gifted to be a way-maker, and another is a faithful friend. It is my job not to allow the work of rebuilding walls and gates to cause me to forget the beautiful treasures that are sometimes hidden, but never destroyed.

Father God, help me to treasure hunt today. Show me enough of the treasure in my child that is Your amazing work in him/her so that I never lose sight of the honor and joy of uncovering and releasing such beauty. 

THE LITTLE PRINCES

You may remember our friend Awara Fernandez from her post last month about how God showed her what was really going on underneath her son's behavior. We are honored to have her back today! You are going to love this one!

                                                                                                     

Sometimes I....

Wait.... 

Okay. Usually I. . . {sigh}

Um...

All right...

Most of the time, I forget who my sons really are.  

I get so distracted by their behavior 

or my irritability

or my fatigue

or just my own sin 

that I don’t see them clearly.  

Today in fact, I asked both of them to show me their cards.  “What?” they asked. 

“The cards that you got in Peru, you know, the ones stamped with the official government seal. The ones that say, ‘This child does not have to do chores.’”   

Blank looks.  

“You didn’t bring your cards with you?” I ask, my voice rising in disbelief.  

Shaking of heads 

Cristian (8 years old) wails while patting his hips, “But I don’t have pockets!” 

He really wants that card!  

“Well, you had better go back and get them,” I reply, “or else you’ll have to stay here and do chores like the rest of the family.” 

I have cried out to the Lord, “Hey! Are these my sons? Did I carry them in my womb? Did I give birth to them? Did I nurse them?  No! They are YOUR sons, and they are driving me CRAZY!”  
And, weeping on my bed at night in my husband’s arms, “I would rather die and be with Jesus than live like this!” 
Recently I found myself reading in Numbers, 

Moses heard the people . . . wailing. . . and [he] was troubled. He asked the Lord,’ Why have you brought this trouble on your servant? What have I done to displease you that you put the burden of all these people on me? Did I conceive all these people? Did I give them birth? Why do you tell me to carry them in my arms, as a nurse carries an infant? The burden is too heavy for me. If this is how you are going to treat me, put me to death right now . . .” (parts of chapter 11: 10-15)  

"Oh!"  I exclaimed, “From Moses’ lips to Your ears, Lord!”  Wow. How gracious of the Lord to have recorded those words of Moses all those years ago, so that they could be an encouragement to those of us now finding ourselves in hard places as we parent our children adopted from hard places! I am personally thrilled to know that Moses, friend of God, felt just like I do!  

So, who are these boys?  
Children of the King  
Royalty  
Little Princes  
Even though they do not fully know their identity yet. 
Even though they sometimes . . . 

Wait...

Okay. Usually....{sigh}

Alright...

most of the time do not act like it
  
Yet...

BEAUTIFULLY DIFFERENT

From Beth:
Stephen and I have been talking about adoption a lot lately. It's interesting because for years we really didn't think about it much. Of course, in the beginning we lived and breathed it. But then things settled down and we moved into a lovely stage of simply being a family, not really needing to focus much on the fact that we had 4 adopted children. It was a beautiful part of who we were, but not a focal point I would say.

But as we have entered into this stage of launching our children into adulthood, it feels as if we have come full circle in some ways. Adoption has come to the forefront of our lives again as our beautiful treasures are making the transition into independence. We are seeing that this process of separating from us is bringing out the uniqueness of each child as they discover more fully who they are in the context of being Russian and American and adopted and a Templeton and a child of their biological parents . How complicated! This is no easy transition to make! 

One thing Stephen and I have realized through this process is that we had a goal for our children that, although very well-meant, was not the goal that God had in mind. Let me explain. It was our desire that our adopted children be so loved, so secure, so encompassed in the life and culture of our family, that they would come to a point where they never felt different or separate from us. We didn't want them to feel like they didn't fit in or that they were somehow "other." And for some years there, I think we got as close to that goal as a family could. We celebrated our children's Russian heritage, provided Russian language tutoring, and made multiple trips back to Russia, but through it all our desire was to save our adopted children from feeling any sense of being different.

But let me tell you what I feel God has been teaching me these past few years. Our children are different. He loves their differences and wants us to love and embrace those differences, not try to erase them. Our adopted children have taken on a different shape than our biological children, but that is because God does not want to eliminate their past, their story, their genetic dispositions. There is no doubt whatsoever in my mind that His plan for them is complete freedom from any and all manifestations of the brokenness and lack that led to their need to be adopted. But since God is all about restoration and redemption, so He delights to use the very building blocks that have been toppled into rubble to rebuild their borders and create their shape. 

It makes complete sense to me now that the shape of their lives would look different than mine. And I hear the Spirit of God say, "Embrace it all Beth. They need to see that you rejoice in who they are, even when it looks rough and unfinished." It's like they are putting together the borders of their lives, just like you do when you put together a complex puzzle. These borders are what define and give them shape, and we are seeing that the shape of their puzzle looks in some ways different, beautifully different. We see that they are looking to us to see if we approve, to see if it is OK to take on this shape. 

Are there things we would change? Well, yes there are! But that is true for all of our children, biological and adopted. We parents see things our children don't see, and we feel the temptation to try to live our children's lives for them--at least I do! But we trust the Lord to take them through this stage of growth and identity discovery; we trust Him with this process of shape-discovery and the fitting together of border pieces. We see that the love and spirit of adoption that we have given our lives to has taken on different shapes and forms as it is expressed in our children of three different family trees. All three family lines exhibit evidence of this spirit of adoption, yet all three look different.

Speaking of trees, you might look at it like this: you and your spouse are apple trees in an apple orchard. Your biological family are also apple trees. There are doubtless different varieties, red delicious, golden, granny smith, winesap, etc, but still, all are apples. When you adopted your beloved children you introduced, most likely, some other fruit trees into your orchard. Maybe you have an orange tree, or pear--or a few of each! Apples, oranges, pears--all are wonderful trees, but each one unique.

It does not help for you to try to make that orange tree bear apples. It simply is not possible, and will only create tension, frustration and eventually, anger. 

Does that make sense to you? I wonder what you all think. I'd so appreciate your input on this--leave a comment!

MORE PRACTICAL PARENTING IDEAS

From Beth:
You may have read last week's post sharing some practical strategies to train your child in healthy and godly ways of thinking and behavior. This post is a follow up to that one, with more ideas to try with your children. For when we parent in grace, we realize there is no place for punishment, but endless opportunity for discipline and training, and the sowing of many seeds awaits us in our day-to-day relationship with our child!


~ Here is a little disclaimer before I go forward: Susan and I are hesitant sometimes to share practical parenting advice. There are a few reasons for this. One is that there are so many wonderful ministries doing and excellent job already. Another is that we want to be very careful not to dishonor our children in any way when sharing the things we have struggled with that involve our kids--we desire to protect their privacy . And we in no way want to imply that there is one way to parent, or that we or anyone for that matter have the answers you need. Certainly we have received wisdom and we love to share it; we ourselves have learned a ton about parenting simply by copying others! But we always want to point you to the One who is the best Counselor and Helper, the One who Loves like no other and is the Light in my Darkness --and yours, and theirs, and everyone's.

But the main reason we may hesitate to share practical parenting advice is we are so convinced that all the best parenting in the world can not heal your child, nor can it give you what you most need in order to love them well. It is a very short step from being an avid student of parenting to actually placing my trust in my own parenting, in essence, trusting in myself. Good parenting is helpful and will make a signifiant difference in your family life and even in the life of your child, but it is only a container for the healing work of the Holy Spirit, not the healing itself. We never want to place our hope in our parenting, even though both of us thought at the beginning of our adoption journeys that if we read the right books, went to the right conferences, and put into practice all of that wonderful wisdom, that all of this would produce the godly children we were pouring our lives into raising.  It is clear to us that our hope is in Christ alone for salvation, healing, joy, purpose, connection, identity, inspiration, unity and wholeness.

So, back to the topic at hand! As we said last time, we don't want to stop at simply telling our children what not to do; we are looking for ways to equip them--to parent them forward into their identity in Christ. A very effective strategy Stephen and I have found to do this is to take the time to have some sort of follow up, or an affirming resolution to whatever the issue was that required discipline. 

Ask Questions
The use of questions is a great help in encouraging your child to enter into a true discussion with you. Remember, relationship is the heart of GRACE, so everything we do to nurture relationship and connection with our child, especially in the context of discipline, will bear eternal fruit. Some well thought out questions will guide your child to discover some realities for themselves. I don't know if you have the same problem that I do, but it is so easy for me to go into "lecture mode" when I want to correct my child. And what makes it worse is that our teens often felt that the stringing of two or three words together in a row constituted a lecture! So, asking questions is helpful in eliciting your child's involvement in the training process. And it has the added benefit of helping them learn to be a thinker.

Ask, What Went Wrong?
It has been fascinating for Stephen and me to see how often our children did not actually know why they were "in trouble," as they would put it. I remember one fairly typical scenario when our son had a spelling test. We had been working with him on getting his homework done with some degree of

excellence. His only goal in doing school work was to finish it as fast as possible. And I mean only--the idea that he would actually learn something or try to have correct answers was so not in his mindset! So, we had asked him if he had any homework or quizzes and he confidently said that he had nothing. You probably know where this is going, right? Later that week a failed spelling test comes home and so of course, we speak with him about it. As a natural consequence, he was not able to go out to play that afternoon so that he could learn to spell the words he had not studied earlier in the week. But when we had our follow up later that night and asked him, "Do you know why you weren't able to go out to play today?" his response was, "Because I got a bad grade on my spelling test." 
It was so good that we asked him, because in no way did we want to communicate that a bad grade would bring the "punishment" (which is how it felt to him) of not playing outside. If he had told the truth and studied, and then done poorly, we would not have responded that way at all. We were then able to go over what happened so that he could understand the real issue, and begin to help him make adjustments to his approach to homework. 
Over time, and with this child this did take some years for him to learn not to let the goal of finishing fast be his only objective, we are empowering our child to take responsibility for his/her actions and to learn new ways to do things. Asking the question helps define the problem, training your child not to see himself as a victim of circumstance (or of his mean parents!), nor to blame others in an attempt to avoid taking responsibility. 

Ask, Why Was That A Problem?
This provides an opportunity to talk with your child about the character and values your family honors. It helps get past the behavior as the main issue, so that you can access the heart attitude. When your child won't share her dolls, helping her imagine how that feels for her friend will open her heart past her primary drive to protect her belongings. Asking questions like, "how do you think Jenny felt when you wouldn't let her play with your dolls too?" or "remember when your brother didn't let you build with his legos yesterday? What did that feel like?" will begin to expand your child's ability to understand values like honor, kindness, generosity, hospitality, etc. 

This is an ideal to time train your child in forgiveness-- both the asking for and the giving of. It was helpful for us to teach our children to say, "I am sorry I _________. Will you please forgive me?" and "Yes, I forgive you." This took some time (we often had to do "re-dos" and give them the time they needed to be able to say these things with authenticity), but it helped by pass the angry/hurt and never effective, "I'm soooooorrrrrryyyyyy!"

I would also add here that it is a powerful thing to model this for your child. Don't miss an opportunity to ask your child for forgiveness when you've yelled at them, or ignored them, or any of the things we all do on occasion. Asking for and receiving their forgiveness empowers them to do the same, and will strengthen your relationship like nothing else. 

Speak Identity Into Your Child
Before you end your follow up time, allow the Holy Spirit to give you something positive to say about your child, especially looking forward into their future. Parenting in Grace is always forward looking and filled with hope. So no matter how bad things are at the moment, even if your child has opposed you every step of the way and resisted your efforts to train, you will find the Lord always has something good to say about him/her. Always. One of our children was terribly clever at getting things his way (notice the use of the word terribly!) so it was easy for me to say something like, "You are going to be such a wonderful employee when you are older. You are so good at solving problems and getting things done. Your boss is going to love you!" Or maybe you can say, "What a tender heart you have. You really do feel it when something is not right, don't you? I can tell you will be such a wonderful husband/wife one day. The best!"

So, how about you? Would you leave a comment here and share some things that are working in your home? I know God is at work in our families and He has shared some strategies with you that we all would love to hear! 

RELATIONSHIP, NOT RULES

From Beth Templeton:

Have you ever asked yourself if the fact that you are a Christian makes any real difference to your parenting? Does my relationship with Jesus cause me to parent differently than my worldly neighbors? How does my revelation of the gospel of God's Amazing Grace change and inform the way I raise my family?

We here at Hope at Home are passionate about seeing the beauty of the Gospel lived out in our homes. What does it look like where the rubber meets the road? In the real life moments:  
when your toddler is in the thick middle of a fit or a rage? 
when a child is sad because she has no friends?
when your son lies about doing his homework? 
when everyone is in the car to go to church and you begin to          back out of the driveway and realize someone is missing (turns out they are inside screaming, "I can't find my shoes!")

We can sit in church and bible studies and go on the occasional retreat or mission trip, but if we don’t flesh out what we are learning (those truths that we give assent to and believe), in the day to day realities of our homes, then surely we are missing something!

Relationship, not Rules
Tana's wonderful post on Discipline and Punishment brought a refreshing clarity to one of the key ways our parenting looks different because we are the recipients of Grace. It boils down to this I believe-- the Gospel is about 
Relationship, not Rules. 

But oh how we wish someone would give us a list of rules to live by! There is something about the simplicity of a list of rules that is awfully attractive! Neat and clean and simple, right? A quick read of the Old Testament cures us of that notion though. I have definitely become a FAN of GRACE!

1 Peter 1:3 tells us that everything you and I need to be able to parent our children is found, not in a list of parenting "do's and don'ts," but rather in our relationship with Jesus:

“His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.”

Grace is a Person-- the Person of Christ. You and I are co-laboring with Grace, with Jesus, as we parent our children. 
So, as we face the innumerable decisions demanded of us as parents, we see that God has graciously given us what we need by getting to know, really know, Jesus. 

Since the gospel is about relationship, not rules, so our parenting needs to be about relationship, not rules. 

And just to be sure we are on the same page-- we are not talking about cultural grace here. It’s not about being nice (gracious) or overlooking someone’s weaknesses. 
We are talking about Heavenly Grace, biblical grace that accesses POWER from heaven, applying the full effect of the cross. This Grace is the power to parent each one of our children.

Sin Prevention vs. Identity Discovery and Nurture
Under the Law, there are strict, rigid rules enforced by punishment, accompanied by shame and fear-- the fear of being caught and of being punished, and the shame of being exposed. As a result, a strong desire to hide and lie develops. The fact of the matter is that no matter how many rules we put in place, we cannot keep our children from sinning, can we? Rules have their purpose, but we see clearly in scripture, as well as in our own lives, that creating and enforcing a list of rules does not result in godly behavior and intimate relationship. 

When we look around us we see that most parenting is really all about trying to deal with the problem of sin by establishing rules in the hopes of preventing the opportunity for sin to manifest. We see this parenting approach in Christian and non-christian homes, don't we? The goal is clearly sin-prevention, rather than identity discovery and nurture. 

On the other hand, under Grace, the relationship is the focus, not the rules. I think of it as Parenting from the Inside, Out. We absolutely do deal with sin, but we deal with it "in Christ," that is, in relationship. There is NOTHING that we can do to make God love us more, nor is there anything we can do to cause Him to love us less. So from that eternally safe vantage point, we are learning not to be sin-conscious, but rather we are learning to be Christ-conscious. We are learning to rely on our relationship with the Lord, being aware of Him as we parent our children, rather than being primarily aware of a list of rules. And we begin to enjoy the freedom of asking, "What is the Lord doing? What is He saying?" rather than, "How can I stop this behavior?"

I remember a few years ago Susan Hillis and I were both in the process of addressing significant issues with our two of our adopted teens. The issues were similar, at least in the outward appearance, and we were both practicing being more conscious of Christ in us and in our children than conscious of the manifestation of the sin itself. The next day we both began to share what we felt the Lord was saying. Susan said that the Lord showed her that she needed to handle the situation by treating her daughter as if she were a little girl. Not in a condescending way, but in a way that would address her needs and get at the root of the behavior. As many of you who are raising adopted children know, sometimes the behavior we see is that little girl or boy who still is reacting out of the pain of their past. How kind of the Lord to help Susan see what was really going on underneath the teenage anger. And I shared that as I was taking a walk and praying through the situation, having no sense of what Stephen and I should do, felt the Lord say, "parent him like a man." A completely different approach than the Lord gave Susan. He began to show me that what our son needed at that moment was for us to engage with him as if he had more emotional maturity than he was showing. I believe the Lord had us take that approach because what our son needed was for us to call forth the maturity that he so desperately wanted. 
In both of these situations there were consequences and action was taken, but our parental response was forward looking as a part of our child's training in their identity, rather than backward looking in reaction to their behavior. 

When we parent out of the relationship we have with Jesus, we find a refreshing and life-giving approach to the issues we face, not based on a rigid list of rules, but informed by an intimate knowledge and love. 

We will see our children walk as godly young people not by our external rules, but by the ever-increasing revelation (theirs and ours!) that we are indwelt by the Living God--
“Christ in you, the hope of glory.” (Colossians 1:27) 

In some follow up posts I'll talk about parenting the heart, and rules and boundaries. Grace does not throw those out, you know, it simply does not expect them to accomplish what they cannot. So stay tuned! 

Hope at Home has an active Facebook Page and we'd love for you to join our community there. It's a great place to enjoy encouragement in the Lord for your parenting and to connect with other parents who "get it." We also keep you updated with Hope at Home events and share helpful resources. It is a real joy to do this together!!
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THANKSGIVING MENU: TENOR WITH TASTE

From Susan Hillis:
I have come to believe that tenor of a feast is definitely a much higher priority than its taste.  By tenor, I mean the loving, joyful, and peaceful atmosphere of the gathering and by taste I mean the succulent flavors of the dishes being prepared.  Either without the other leaves the partakers with a sense of disappointment.  I pray for each of you dear readers that this Thanksgiving you may enjoy both tenor and taste!

Taste without Tenor

I remember how nervous and afraid I felt.  It was my boyfriend Brian's first time visiting my family all those many years ago, in Fayetteville, North Carolina, for Thanksgiving.  The tastes of the meal were absolutely superb -- creamy, steamy mashed potatoes, warm juicy turkey carved to perfection, the traditional cranberry-almond jello salad, the scrumptious made-from-scratch macaroni and cheese.  But the tenor was so tense it could be cut with a knife.  You see, my mom and dad had struggled for years in their marriage, and this particular day they were in the middle of a huge fight.  My siblings and I were so tense we had no idea what to say.  My mama was so tense that she got up and spent the entire meal in the kitchen which adjoined our dining room, washing the mountain of pots and throwing the clean ones onto the cabinet.  Crash. Thunk.  Those were the sounds.  No conversation.  None of us knew what to say.  I do know what I thought, "Oh my goodness, Brian Hillis is never gonna want to date me again after this!  I am sure he will think that if he sticks with me, we will end up with a family like THIS!"  The tastes were perfect, but the tenor of the atmosphere was destructive and hurtful.  Anger prevailed, not love.  It is what the verse in Proverbs 17:1 talks about when it says, 
Better a dry crust eaten in peace than a house filled with feasting--and conflict.   
(By the way, for the early years of our marriage I did throw pots pretty often when I was fuming, but never on Thanksgiving!)

Tenor without Taste
Another memorable Thanksgiving was our first one spent  on the mission field, in Colombia.  I answered the knock on the door to see our friend Lucho standing there holding a huge dead turkey by the neck he had just wrung, feathers still all fluffed out, saying, "Aqui te traigo el pavo para el dia de accion de gracias!" (here I am bringing you your turkey for the Day of Giving Thanks).  
You see, I had sadly told our friends that I was going to feel lonely on Thanksgiving, my first away from home.  As they tried to figure out how to give me a Thanksgiving experience in Colombia, they determined we would have a feast together at our home that day and that they would provide the traditional ingredients for the customary dishes.  Since turkey could not be purchased in the grocery store, they decided to buy a live one and kill it, then bring me the gift!  The plucking of the turkey and its preparation took hours, and in the end it left a rather wild gamey aftertaste that felt like a disappointment.  But the peace and joy and laughter around our table shared by a number of fellow believers who had come to be our family in Christ there, remain a treasured fond memory in my heart.

Tenor with Taste
So now what we are after is BOTH-- tenor and taste!  Just as we spend time preparing for the taste part (picking the menu, going to the grocery store, and preparing each of the dishes), there are some preparations we can make for the tenor part.  With younger kids, they love having some type of Thanksgiving activity to make their memory.  Maybe taping white butcher block paper on the table as the table cloth and letting them decorate it with finger paint or watercolors while the food is on the stove.  Or maybe its letting each of them trace their hands on a piece of white poster board, then cut it out and paint the fingers as the turkey-feathers and their thumbs as the turkey head and using this as placards to mark their place on the table.  Or for older kids maybe its playing a family game of kickball or basketball outside after the meal.  And as the teens and young adults come along, it may be board games or sports. But definitely it is play and fun that makes the tenor part for kids.  After the meal we have a tradition of passing out two popcorn kernels (in memory of the corn grown by the early settlers) to each person, and then each of us plops his or her kernel in the "Thankfulness Cup" that is passed around, saying two things they are thanking God for, from the previous year.

Along with the play and thankfulness parts, for all ages, comes the real heart of the tenor - it is the building up part.  And that is REALLY what is on my heart for you and yours this Thanksgiving.  I want to set my mind and heart to ask the Lord to open my eyes to the wonders of His nature inside of each of those who will be at my home this holiday, and to speak to them about THAT...about who they are in Him!  This past week the importance of building each other up has just jumped off the pages of the Scriptures as I have watched the light of day replace the darkness of night.  What we really want to do for every person who shares Thanksgiving with us is to LOVE them well.  And it is becoming so much more clear that loving people well means we speak out to them words that build them up.  Here are some of the highlights from the Scriptures about that:

• "LOVE builds up!"  I Cor 8:1  So...do you want to love well on Thanksgiving???  Then build up those who you spend it with!!!  Even if they are not doing the same with you!
• "Pursue LOVE....SPEAK to people for their upbuilding and encouragement and consolation....SPEAK to build up the church....strive to EXCEL in building up the church.....let ALL things be done for building up."  I Cor 14.  Note that chasing after love means we speak with exceptional quality -- we EXCEL -- and with universal quantity - ALL things can be done with building up....even the games and crafts and playing parts. 
• "So then let us pursue peace and what makes for mutual upbuilding." (Rom 14:19)

Thanksgiving Every Day
And so I end, dear one, with an exciting reminder!  We can eat a Thanksgiving Feast every day, the kind of feast where the Lord builds you up and says to you the same kinds of things you say to your kids...the "I am so proud of you" kind of things.  No kidding - by just remembering who we are and whose we are.  We are our Heavenly Father's dearly beloved children and He prepares a daily feast ("give us this day our daily bread!") at the King's table, according to our need, every day, as long as we live - read the last verse of Jeremiah to prove it:

"Every day of [your life], dine regularly at the King's table,  And for [your] allowance, a regular allowance is given [you] by the King, according to [your] daily needs, until the day of [your] death, as long as [you] live."  NOW, IT DOESN'T GET ANY BETTER THAN THAT!  YOUR THANKSGIVING FEAST, FRIEND! 

Happy Thanksgiving!

PUZZLED

If you have been reading this blog for long you know we talk about Identity a lot at Hope at Home, which you can read about here, and here. Stephen and I have had front and center seats (the kind so close to the stage that you can see the make up and hear the breath of exertion from the players) for the drama and action of what most recognize as the primary task of adolescence-- the grappling with the question of "Who Am I?" The issue of identity is one we all face, but one that our adopted children must face with added complicating factors. Even those adopted at birth with no conscious memory of their birth parents contend with confusing realities once they enter their teens.


The Border Pieces

As your child grows, whether he is adopted or not, it is as if he is trying to piece together a complex puzzle. As we all figure out early on in working a puzzle, you first separate out the border pieces, right? It seems to me that for our birth children the rummaging for and connecting of the flat-edged border pieces was an easy task. Their puzzle borders seem to be solidly in place without much searching and confusion. No struggles with missing pieces impossibly hidden amongst the mass of shapes, or irretrievably lost in the dark corners of the basement game closet. 


Missing and Misshapen Pieces

Borders denote definition and, therefore, identity. The borders of a country, for instance, identify it on a map. Without the definition provided by the border pieces, the process of putting together a complicated puzzle becomes all the more confusing and frustrating. With our adopted children, their relinquishment and the resulting pain, is like trying to work a puzzle without the border pieces, or at least without whole sections, and with hard to find pieces, or misshapen fragments. In 1 Peter 5:10 we see that God's plan is for our children to live complete and whole, border pieces fitted together and the puzzle finished:

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace [Who imparts all blessing and favor], Who has called you to His [own] eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will Himself complete and make you what you ought to be, establish and ground you securely, and strengthen, and settle you." 

The Message says it like this; "[God] will have you put together and on your feet for good."


Puzzle Pieces in Our Hands

Isn't that what we are helping our children to do? To partner with the Holy Spirit in "putting together" the pieces of the puzzle? As we get revelation of who our child is from the very One who created them, it's as if we have a puzzle piece in our hand, a flat-edged border piece that was lost or destroyed along the way by rejection, fear, anger, pain, abuse...... We parents are methodically offering these border pieces to our child as they go through the process of figuring out who they are. We have the awesome opportunity to place these pieces back into the pile of puzzle pieces on the table and watch our child pick it up, examine it, and recognize it as a defining part of who they are. 


Box Top Parents

Just as we look at the box top of our puzzle that we have propped up on the table for easy reference, so do our children look up at us as they work their complicated jigsaw puzzle. Along the way they fit in pieces with that sense of satisfaction we all get when we find the next bit of the puzzle. They are looking to us to find out who they are, how they fit in, how to relate, how to give and receive love. You and I are like that box top picture for our children as they discover their identity, scrutinizing the picture and piecing together their puzzle.


Father God, it is so good to know that You are  completing our children, making them what they ought to be, "putting them together and on their feet for good." We so desire to partner with You in this God. Would You give us revelation of who our children are, defining border pieces of their identity. And we trust You to use us so that when our children look to us they will see what is helpful as they put together the puzzle before them. What greater joy is there than being a part of such a project?!

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

There isn't a person alive who does not yearn for identity and purpose. As we raise our adopted children we see that this question of identity is often more complicated for them-- complicated by a missing or shattered past, by the realities of relinquishment, rejection and abandonment, by the issue of race and culture, by tough questions of "why me" or "what if....?" 

It seems to me that the people who are the most whole are the ones who are settled with who they are and enjoying a strong sense of purpose in their lives. Identity and purpose are the basic ingredients of wholeness for all of us, and most likely your adopted child will  require extra effort on your part to instill and call forth his identity as a son with a destiny, her place as a daughter with a calling. It has been fascinating to me to hear that even children adopted as infants often find, once they become teenagers, that this issue of identity gets confused and complicated by the realities of adoption. 

One of the most effective opposing forces to your adopted child's sense of identity is an orphan spirit. For some children their adoption into a loving Christian family has not freed them from this sense of being an orphan-- one who lacks parents, lacks love, lacks protection and provision, lacks security..... Even when the lack is replaced in adoption by a loving mother and father, a wonderful home and church with lots of friends, abundant provision in every way, this sense of being one who lacks can remain and threaten to become a child's primary motivating identity, even years after his or her adoption as a daughter or son. 


Much of our work as adoptive parents is to administer this truth, day after day and year after year, that this child is no longer an orphan, but a true Son or Daughter. One who is defined not by lack, but rather by possession and inheritance! One who is worthy, acceptable, significant, powerful, full of purpose and destiny and calling, defended, safe, beloved....

What can we parents do to help our child receive and embrace their Identity as a Son or Daughter, rejecting the lies borne out of the facts of their past? Lies that tell them "you are not significant, you don't have what it takes, you are unloved and unwanted, you are too different to fit in, you have to fend for yourself...." Lies that keep them from connecting, and limit their ability to walk in their true destiny. 

There are no simple answers to this question, but I believe there are some practical things we can do to massage into our treasured children the TRUTH of their identity. We spoke of a huge key to release identity in the post, "Parenting in Grace: Who is this Child?" 
I'd like to share a few ideas that are more practical in nature, but no less spiritual in my opinion. These are some things that Stephen and I learned to do in the early years of our adoptions that we found effective in instilling identity and the truths of sonship. 


Family Name

Be intentional about using your family name. There is something powerful about a family name. It speaks of belonging, heritage, relationship, history. When we are born again into the family of God, we take on His name and the full inheritance that goes along with it,

"For Whom every family in heaven and on earth is named"

Ephesians 3:15

Being named is more important to our perception of ourelves than we may realize. There is something significant for our children in hearing over and over that they are Templetons. If your child is being unkind, rather than say, "Don't be unkind. That's not nice," you might say, "In the Templeton [inserting your name of course!] Family we treat each other with kindness." Look for ways to intentionally insert your family name into daily life. "We Templetons go to church and worship God." It may seem awkward but we have found it to communicate the truth of sonship to our children, especially in those early years.

Family Meetings

Having regular family meetings is a wonderful way to impart the wholeness of "sonship" into your adopted child. Just the gathering itself communicates that they are part of a whole or a unit, something established, something that has a history. These times can take on whatever flavor or purpose

you decide is needed at the time. Because we have such a large family, in recent years we have used these meetings to share what is going on in our lives. We ask each child to share what they are doing in school, what activities they are involved in, what issues they are dealing with. That way everyone feels connected. We also find that using these times for prayer is very powerful. Praying out loud for each other (especially in response to some need that has been shared) goes a long way to establish belonging and love. Sometimes each of us will write down five things we like about each family member (younger children can draw pictures) and share. Other times Stephen or I will read aloud a story or scripture, or address a family matter that needs adjusting or correction. No matter the focus, the gathering will help you to create sense of identity and belonging.

Family Traits

Like Father, Like Son

Something we learned from our dear friend Susan Hillis is to be sure to identify Templeton family traits in our adopted children. Just like we do when a baby is born, we search for and comment on family traits. ("He has his daddy's nose," or "Her eyes are definitely from her mama's side of the family.") For instance we might say, "You look just like your mama when you smile like that!" or, "You are so much like your daddy taking care of that dog. He always loved dogs when he was a boy your age." The wonderful thing about these comments is that they can be said regardless of skin color or any other physical difference. They speak volumes to your child-- you belong, you are a part of a family with a story, you are not separate. 

There is power in a name! The question of "Who Am I?" is one we adoptive parents want to be answering within the day to day life of our family.  Don't wait for the question to be asked by your adopted child. Look for ways to communicate the Identity of Sonship in everyday life-- you belong, you are loved, you are acceptable, you are celebrated, you are connected, you are a person of destiny and purpose......