LOOKING PAST THE CHALLENGES, I SAW HER

One of our favorite things about our Hope at Home ministry is that we get to meet some of the most wonderful people! So happy to share one of these special people with you today, our friend Katie Gonzalez. She and her husband Tony are adoptive and foster parents, and they somehow find time to help other parents through Promise 686. Be encouraged by this testimony of Father God breaking in to Gonzalez bed-time routine. Let's trust God to do the same in our homes as well! 

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“I’m sitting here in awe of the testimony you so vulnerably share through your blog and your Christmas/New Years power point. There are so many emotions that surface while reading about what has taken place over the last few months in your family. The overarching theme is certainly God’s grace and His faithfulness! His Grace that is always present through the good days and bad and His faithfulness to restore what the enemy has tried to steal from your precious children.”  

This is what my friend Elizabeth said to me the other day.  And it got me thinking. Grace and faithfulness? I can see it in my life and I can see it in my children’s lives. But how can I help them to see it in their lives?  

How do you help a child to understand the Grace of God when they remember being hungry? 

Not hungry for lunch.

HUNGRY. 

There’s no food and no adults and the gnawing in my belly feels like it’s eating me up. 

That hungry.

How do you prove to a child that they can trust their father in this new family, much less a Father in Heaven that they can’t see or touch, when they remember--remember Daddy is hitting mommy and she’s yelling and it’s a blur of fear so great it blots out all else.  

How do you teach a child that God is faithful when they remember being alone? 

Alone in a deserted alley.

Alone in a dirty, empty apartment. 

ALONE.  

I am not a child expert, psychologist, or advanced-degree- holder. I am a flawed mama to 7 children from hard places. I am an imperfect wife to a blessing of a husband. I am a teacher who makes mistakes. But I am also a child of God who lives for His Grace and is so utterly lost without His Faithfulness. And I am doing my level best to help my deeply wounded, flawed but oh so beautiful children to understand that this God will not desert or leave them.  

How do we help them to heal, see the beauty within, and find their way to God? Those wounds are real, but will they define our children?  

My prayer is that my children will be defined by the knowledge that God brought them out of the desert so to speak. 

That they are the children of a KING! 

That He has a purpose for them that only they can fulfill.

That He finds them absolutely amazing, beautiful, valuable, and worthy of loving!

One night last week, as I bent over to kiss a precious child good night, I saw her.  

I mean, really saw her. 

I looked past her challenges for once that day and really saw HER. It was one of those moments when I believe God gives us a glimpse of His heart and love. I don’t know about you, but those moments are so overwhelming for me that I can’t truly articulate much. The words “I love her” seem so inadequate.  

This child has only been ours a short time.

155 bath and bedtimes.

155 days of dressing for school. 

And most of those days have been measured in the number of meltdowns, or lack thereof. The number of times she got in and out of bed before finally falling asleep at midnight, or not falling asleep at all. Therapy appointments, notes from school, and sibling fights. In 155 days, stories have been shared that make my heart sad, small milestones reached that made me cheer for joy, and realizations that this child may be forever a child, accepted.  

As I sat there, bent over her bed, I murmured a prayer of thanksgiving. Just

Thank you God for her

Thank you for her in my life
 

She is the baby of our seven kids, all of whom have come to us with wounds we did not inflict. Pain from a fallen, broken world has impacted their lives at far too young an age. In our bumbling efforts to parent, we have rare moments when we “get it right” but more often than not, we just exacerbate the wound. We snap, we yank, we yell, we grumble, we punish. Yet I’m trying to show her God’s Grace?

But last night? God’s love for this child washed over me in such an intense wave that all I could do was stroke her hair and thank him for this blessing. 

I wondered at the power of it. 

At how it spilled over onto all of the children as I watched them make last minute ditch efforts to avoid bedtime.  Instead of being irritated, for once I saw each child. I forgot about unbrushed teeth and instead saw scared eyes behind anxious laughter. I missed the spaghetti sauce splattered down a pajama shirt as I watched a blossoming ballerina who desperately wants to believe she is beautiful despite what she’s been told.  

I looked and saw seven precious works of art, beauty beyond compare, gifts in abundance. For a brief night I felt as if God removed my fogged up vision and gave my His sight for my children.  

I have prayed for this. I have begged and pleaded that He would give me feelings of love and joy for all of my children. All you mamas and daddies out there, you know what I’m lamenting--my desire to actually like all of my children in the face of my inability to do so.  

The ability to see the child, the child of God, not the child of their past.  

Not the survivor, but the creation.  

The beauty behind often sullen eyes and angry words.  

The preciousness behind slammed doors, temper tantrums, and closed hearts.  

How often am I that sullen child, and still God whispers, “Precious child, come to me. I love you.” 

Oh I so want that for my children. I want to show them a glimpse of this huge love their Heavenly Father has for them. How can I show them His love, His Grace, when I don’t want to forgive them for the small, insignificant annoyances they’ve committed?  

So I have begged. And I have failed as often as I’ve succeeded. Probably more.  

But this night, such a gift. Even in my memory it makes my heart feel glad in a way that leaves me bereft of words. And I beg for many more just like it as I remember my own lack of self control this very day.  

And then the reality hits me.

God’s Grace shining on ME despite how badly lacking in perfection I am! 

His faithfulness in holding me up through a journey I NEVER expected. 

His faithfulness at filling in the gaps I can never bridge. 

His faithfulness at caring for my soul when it is hungry and sore.  

Once again He is reminding me, “I didn’t call you to this because you have the answers. I called you to this because I have the answers. I will show them, not you.” 

I’ve often heard people say that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. I would beg to differ. He gives us what only He can handle and then holds us up as we stumble through the journey with a promise that He will always be there.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. (Psalm 23:1-4)

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. (Ephesians 2:-10)

YOU'VE BEEN FRAMED

From Beth:

Stephen recently went to the optometrist and came back with new glasses. His eyes are pretty bad and if it weren't for new technology he would totally have the "coke bottle" look. But even so, he ended up returning the new frames because he found they limited his peripheral vision. 

Does that ever happen to you? I mean, you put on a pair of glasses through which you will view your children and find you cannot see accurately, or you realize your focus is "off"--yeah, I'm actually talking about me, but I figure you know that!

I am aware that sometimes I pick up unhelpful frames when I look at my children. If I pick put the frames of criticism, I see that which disappoints. But I have these grace frames that I prefer to wear. They are wonderful! 

With my grace frames on, I can see accurately and move about freely without stubbing my toe on some offense or spraining my ankle in some area of lack. 

In grace I see my child as God sees him. I see with lenses that focus on what God is doing and has done, rather than what still needs to be done. My eyes begin to catch the lines of definition in his spirit, enjoying what God enjoys about this treasured child. 

And then I am able to say, "I see you!"--not to call out what is wrong or missing, but to define and declare what is true. I have the privilege to define my child, not by his current behavior, nor by his past, but by his identity and calling. 

Our pastor, Greg Haswell, shared this wonderful truth in a sermon at Northlands Church recently:

It is the nature of the enemy to want to capture you in the worst and weakest moments of your life and then suspend you with that view of yourself, and to constantly remind you “This is who you are!”--that is why he is called the accuser. 

 It is the nature of God to capture you in the victory won by Jesus in His death, burial and resurrection and suspend you in that view of yourself, and to constantly remind you “This is who you are!”--that is why He is called the comforter.

You and I have the unique opportunity to be ones who speak into the identity and calling of our sons and daughters. That is, we get to constantly remind them who they are. 

We pick out the frames of grace and start our own name-calling campaign! We refuse to wear the glasses that can only see best what is wrong, what is weak, what needs 'fixing.' Instead, we don those frames that catch each one in his or her identity in Christ, viewing them as their heavenly Father views them. 

This is powerful parenting. 
This is parenting in grace. This is what love looks like. 

BEAUTIFULLY DIFFERENT

From Beth:
Stephen and I have been talking about adoption a lot lately. It's interesting because for years we really didn't think about it much. Of course, in the beginning we lived and breathed it. But then things settled down and we moved into a lovely stage of simply being a family, not really needing to focus much on the fact that we had 4 adopted children. It was a beautiful part of who we were, but not a focal point I would say.

But as we have entered into this stage of launching our children into adulthood, it feels as if we have come full circle in some ways. Adoption has come to the forefront of our lives again as our beautiful treasures are making the transition into independence. We are seeing that this process of separating from us is bringing out the uniqueness of each child as they discover more fully who they are in the context of being Russian and American and adopted and a Templeton and a child of their biological parents . How complicated! This is no easy transition to make! 

One thing Stephen and I have realized through this process is that we had a goal for our children that, although very well-meant, was not the goal that God had in mind. Let me explain. It was our desire that our adopted children be so loved, so secure, so encompassed in the life and culture of our family, that they would come to a point where they never felt different or separate from us. We didn't want them to feel like they didn't fit in or that they were somehow "other." And for some years there, I think we got as close to that goal as a family could. We celebrated our children's Russian heritage, provided Russian language tutoring, and made multiple trips back to Russia, but through it all our desire was to save our adopted children from feeling any sense of being different.

But let me tell you what I feel God has been teaching me these past few years. Our children are different. He loves their differences and wants us to love and embrace those differences, not try to erase them. Our adopted children have taken on a different shape than our biological children, but that is because God does not want to eliminate their past, their story, their genetic dispositions. There is no doubt whatsoever in my mind that His plan for them is complete freedom from any and all manifestations of the brokenness and lack that led to their need to be adopted. But since God is all about restoration and redemption, so He delights to use the very building blocks that have been toppled into rubble to rebuild their borders and create their shape. 

It makes complete sense to me now that the shape of their lives would look different than mine. And I hear the Spirit of God say, "Embrace it all Beth. They need to see that you rejoice in who they are, even when it looks rough and unfinished." It's like they are putting together the borders of their lives, just like you do when you put together a complex puzzle. These borders are what define and give them shape, and we are seeing that the shape of their puzzle looks in some ways different, beautifully different. We see that they are looking to us to see if we approve, to see if it is OK to take on this shape. 

Are there things we would change? Well, yes there are! But that is true for all of our children, biological and adopted. We parents see things our children don't see, and we feel the temptation to try to live our children's lives for them--at least I do! But we trust the Lord to take them through this stage of growth and identity discovery; we trust Him with this process of shape-discovery and the fitting together of border pieces. We see that the love and spirit of adoption that we have given our lives to has taken on different shapes and forms as it is expressed in our children of three different family trees. All three family lines exhibit evidence of this spirit of adoption, yet all three look different.

Speaking of trees, you might look at it like this: you and your spouse are apple trees in an apple orchard. Your biological family are also apple trees. There are doubtless different varieties, red delicious, golden, granny smith, winesap, etc, but still, all are apples. When you adopted your beloved children you introduced, most likely, some other fruit trees into your orchard. Maybe you have an orange tree, or pear--or a few of each! Apples, oranges, pears--all are wonderful trees, but each one unique.

It does not help for you to try to make that orange tree bear apples. It simply is not possible, and will only create tension, frustration and eventually, anger. 

Does that make sense to you? I wonder what you all think. I'd so appreciate your input on this--leave a comment!

CHASING THE RUNAWAY BUNNY

Friends, you still have this week to take advantage of the early bird registration for HOPE AT HOME 2013. Come on and join us! 

FROM SUSAN:

I am sure every one of you has read that famous, beloved, larger-than-life children's story, The Runaway Bunny. No matter where the little bunny runs, the determined and versatile mama rabbit chases it. Even if the bunny becomes a fish, the mama rabbit will become a fisherman, fishing with a carrot!  The mama rabbit exemplifies steadfast love (as the Scriptures say over and over and over again, "steadfast love endures!"), and the little rabbit becomes so convinced that nothing can separate him from his mama's love, that he comes back home, embracing all that he had tried to run away from!

Preschool  

When I used to read that book to our kids as preschoolers, I thought of it as a sweet story of a mama's love, and I would say something like, "no matter where you go, I will always be your mommy and I will always come find you!"

Elementary School

By now I had quit reading the book, though it still sat on the shelf in our family room, its enduring message unspoken but entrenched in our household. In comes our first Russian adopted daughter, Anya, who immediately decided she couldn't trust some lady who thinks she is her mom (me!), but can't even understand the simple word "hello,"  zdrastvoitye!  So she does the opposite of every request I try to act out!  "Walk left" and she "walks right."  "Stay downstairs during Cristi's piano lesson," and she insists on "staying upstairs."  So, I determine, like that mama rabbit, to spend 24 hours following Anya around and doing whatever she chooses to do, by her side. Mainly she walks around picking up our kitty Mosaiah (and I have mild cat allergies!), bathing Mosaiah, pushing Mosaiah in the stroller, making Mosaiah lay down under her quilt for a nap--and I follow, patting the cat, smiling, doing whatever she does with that cat! By the end of that 24 hours, Anya was beginning to soften a little.

Middle and High School

My time chasing the bunnies now becomes primarily a spectator sport--going to harp, trumpet, piano, soccer, baseball, softball, wrestling, basketball, dance, art, ceramics classes/events/competitions. And at one point Trevor asks, "Mommy, do you love me more than all those other mommies who come watch their kids play baseball?" 
I am intrigued and reply, "I can't imagine another mommy loving her kids more than I love each of you guys! But, why do you ask? " 
He explains, "Cause you scream louder for me than all those mothers scream for their kids." 
Like that mama rabbit, I am busy making my voice of love heard wherever my bunnies are!

College

We still go to them--visiting their schools, meeting their friends, even becoming that mama rabbit to some of their friends whose parents simply let their bunnies hop away without following them.

After College

And we are still going, finding them where they are and learning to love what they love. Maybe they go to Alaska to grow in their love for beauty and for dogs....then we go to Alaska to visit! (Brian and I are here as I write with our son.)

Or maybe they end up going down a path of bad company that leads them to jail. Then we go to visit and remind them of who they are and who we are, that they are our beloved treasures with gifts from the Lord that the world needs. And we are their parents who love them and who will always love them and encourage them to live like as the treasure they are! Or maybe they are heading towards the mission field and so we go with them to visit the area of the world they are praying about moving to, and to meet those very co-laborers that they will be ministering with, like we just did with Cristi!

Or maybe what they love is playing golf, and so I go with them to learn golf, even at my age! Which is what I just did with my boys over the summer! Or maybe they are serving in a Summer Leadership Program in Florida , so I go to visit them and meet their friends and smile on their choices to use their "minas" to invest in God's eternal kingdom!

So, dear ones, what I want to leave you with is this: Our Lord Jesus never leaves us nor forsakes us, and He has left us an example--to follow in His steps. We never stop being parents!  Even if we have a prodigal or two who run away, our love continues in prayer and in communication often, trusting God's love to bring them back into His good and perfect plans, to complete that work He began in them. And when then are bursting forth with more dignity, determination, humility, and success than we could ever have envisioned, we praise the One who is equipping and blessing them. Ours is not to reflect the failures or successes of our children, to them or to the world. Ours is simply this: to love them.  
Love them with a pursuing love that says, "Where shall you flee from my presence?"

And the answer is, nowhere! Nothing can alter or remove my love and my prayers from your life, my little runaway bunny.

CATCH AND RELEASE

From Susan:

As kids grow, what we do with them changes! Like this week for example, as I took off several days to hang out with my college-age boys, home for a few days before heading out to participate in Campus Outreach Summer Leadership Program at the beach. These are times when loving them more means seeing them less. Back to the story-- so I asked, "Hey guys, what would you like to do together on my 2 days off?" The answer was clear, "Mom, we would LOVE to take you golfing - you will enjoy riding in the cart and relaxing in the beauty of God's creation and you can try to golf too if you want...." Now THAT was amazingly humorous, as I did in fact golf, under their tutelage, for the second time ever, and actually impressed them with being able to make contact with the ball!

Susan with two of her sons, Vasya and Trevor

The other fun activity they proposed was fishing -  we have spent a lot of time every day at the lake near our house, fishing 'catch and release.' And those released fish just scurry off with splashing vigor when dropped to their freedom in that life-giving water!!! Every time we caught a fish - which was multiple times every evening, we would "catch and release," and I would remember the message from Christy Nockels at Passion City this past Sunday. Let me tell you about it.

Best Message on Parenting!

Of all the books, articles, talks, sermons, messages and conversations I have ever had about parenting, the absolute hands-down BEST was the one I heard from Christy Nockels at Passion City Church, Mother's Day evening. All I could long for is that God would open a way for her to broadcast this message to the world!!!!! Yes, I do mean it -- the WORLD! If anyone reading this knows her, please pass along this encouragement to her!!! 

For those who may not have time to listen, here is a brief summary of the talk, with a few added thoughts along the way.

Catch and Release Parenting; Catch and Release Life

To be a parent or a mother, or honestly, to be involved in any relationship or work or ministry or service, we need to have a "catch and release" approach. Just like fishing. We catch, but then we release back to God. 

Trevor-- catch and release!

Particularly, we release our failures, as well as our successes.  

We have to remember that even when we fail, or when others think we fail, that does NOT mean we are failures. In fact and in truth and in deed, we are fearfully and wonderfully made, treasures and image-bearers, with beautiful purpose in the hand of the Master. And all of this is just as true for us when it appears we succeed. We are bearing fruit as a consequence of abiding in God's love, as Jesus teaches in John 15. As Christy sings, "with my roots deep in You, I'll grow the branch that bears the fruit."

For me, the most important line of her entire talk was the part where she explains that because of this "catch and release" approach, we tell our kids this: 

My identity is not wrapped up in who you are; the Lord has you. 

Parenting that Transforms Us

That simple statement, lived fully and daily, transforms us into people of peace and joy and hope. If my identify is NOT wrapped up in how my kids or work or house or ministry or appearance turn out, then my identity IS wrapped up in the Lord's love and purpose and compassion for me and for the world.

Christy Nockels closed her talk with a description of sitting before the piano and the Lord giving her a song. I scribbled trying to copy it down as she sang it with that gloriously anointed voice - and here are the excerpts of her lyrics that I pass on, urging you to go listen for yourself. The lyrics are true for me and for you and for our spouses and for our children!!!

I see you,

Even thougth

You think I don't see you; 

I see all your hard work.

I love you,

More than you know;

I see every sigh in the morning; 

I hear every cry in the night.

I'm holding you together

Like glue and like mortar;

Every seam, every corner,

My love covers you." 

by Christy Nockels, Passion City Church, Atlanta, Mother's Day, 2013

So, dearly beloved treasures, as we close we pray,

Today may we would walk in the full joy and peace and hope of those who know our own identity before You, Lord, as Your beloved children; and from that place, may we experience unbridled freedom to let that very love You have for us flow through us in all its fullness to all those we love and see and connect with, today and every day.  Amen and amen.

A Bit More from Beth:
I just want to add a story that Susan shared with me. Susan and I are all about being copy cats when it comes to good parenting ideas! I am thinking you and I may want to copy this example of seizing the moment to share a truth with our children that God is teaching us without giving a sermon. Here is Susan's story: 

As we are gingerly removing the hook from the mouth of the decent sized bass, I say, "Hey...did you know catch and release is the best way to live a good life before God?"

Trevor asks, "What do you mean, mom?"
"I mean, the world will often reject you for your failures or inflate you for your successes. But in faith we know we are fully loved and accepted in the Lord in spite of our failures and equipped and enabled by God's love and wisdom and strength in any success. It was what was shared in our sermon Sunday night. I LOOVVVEEDD IT!!!  I urge you, buddy, to live a catch and release life!"

Trevor's catch and release fish.

If I had been talking with my kids at younger ages I would have told the same story in simple words...daring them to always remember this when they are fishing. I would also add a new question, "What happens to that little fish if we don't release it?" Of course the answer for me is that it would not be what God made it to be.

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PICK YOUR B̶A̶T̶T̶L̶E̶S̶ OPPORTUNITIES

From Beth:
You've heard about the wisdom of picking your battles in parenting. It's good advice and I say absolutely! But I'd like to share some more practical parenting advice by expanding that concept a bit. Because adoptive and foster parenting is about as fertile a ground for this wisdom as you will find as far as I can tell! Take a minute and read something the Lord showed me early on in our adoptive parenting journey that was literally one of the most significant words I have ever received. It is revelation from God that Stephen and I put into play still on a daily basis. We are still learning to recognize what looks like a battle is often also an opportunity.  

Literally-- Pick Them!
So one thing Stephen and began to do years ago was to literally pick out some battles to fight-- on purpose! Rather than try to address every issue at once, ask the Holy Spirit what He is busy doing in your child and then partner up next to Him. It is hard to let bad behaviors go, but look at it this way-- what if Father God had required you to change every wrong thinking pattern and behavior when you became a Christian. All at once? How kind is He that he does not treat us that way?! With this perspective we have the freedom to disregard the judging looks and comments of others, and even our own fears of not being a "good Christian parent" knowing that we are doing just as Jesus did--"I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself. He does only what he sees the Father doing. Whatever the Father does, the Son also does." (John 5:19)

And take the opportunity to get your child in on the action. You (and your spouse if possible) sit down together with you son or daughter and say something like, "We have been praying for you! We are so excited about what God is doing in your life and all the wonderful things He has to say about who you are. And we feel that God is wanting us to work together on helping you with your anger (or lying, or attitude about chores, or doing your best work in school, or stealing, bedtimes, or sharing toys.......!). So, this is what we thought we would do...." By doing this you are inviting your child in as a team member. You are all on the same team working together with what God is doing. Now, no doubt many children will balk at some point. Certainly some of ours did. Once we actually followed through with whatever consequence we agreed upon we definitely got the normal push back. And if you have an oppositional child, then you know that they will fight you the whole way. But that does not mean that this process is not teaching them something. We are trusting God that every godly seed is being kept for our children for the right season of fruitfulness. 

I Am Not the Police
Once we have picked our battle, or what I would more accurately call Picking my Opportunity, then I am in the role of a coach rather than an officer of the law. I am no longer poised to catch my child in a bad behavior, but rather I am on her side, encouraging forward movement in the issue we are "battling." And when my child "loses" a battle, my role is not to exact punishment, but to come alongside to train and get him/her ready to try again.

Set Your Child Up for Success
Create opportunities to test out a new behavior or heart attitude. If you are working on not throwing a fit when your child doesn't get what he wants for instance, you might say something like, "This afternoon we are going to be out so you might not be able to watch TV until tomorrow. I know this is hard for you and it will take a lot of strength for you not to get angry and throw a fit. But I know you can do it! Do you think you can stay calm if it turns out we don't have time? What

could you do instead when you feel angry?" This warning ahead of time helps set your child up to break the negative habit pattern. We would sometimes try to create the most perfect situation so that our child could see that he/she could do it. A little success goes a long way in making a new pathway for when the situation is not so perfect in normal day-to-day life.

Pray Together
Along the way take time to actually pray with your child about the issue you are addressing. Let them know that Holy Spirit is called The Helper and that He loves to give us strength. Praying together is a wonderful way to train your child for a life of leaning on the Lord and trusting Him for what we cannot do for ourselves. 

Share Something You Had to Overcome
This is fresh out of the parenting oven for Stephen and me. We are learning with our older children how helpful and it is for them to see that we also struggle, that we also are working now on growing in some areas, that when we were children we behaved badly and needed to grow and change. For some children, seeing you as vulnerable and in need is key for them to feel connected to you. It may be that if they have dealt with trauma, which so many of our adopted children have, that the access point of need or pain is the one they are most familiar and comfortable with. We want to use everything we can to help our child!

Use Rewards to Celebrate Success
When your child has had a success in the battle, be sure to celebrate! Let them know how proud you are of them. How you know that took a lot of strength and courage and you are really impressed. Boast about them at the dinner table or with friends if that would not embarrass your child. Celebrate with an ice cream cone or some other treat. This is not a bribe; it is a party! We have sometimes picked out something ahead of time that we knew our child wanted or would enjoy and told them that when they were able to do, or not do, whatever it was we were working on, then we would give them the item. Sometimes it was an event-- going to see a movie perhaps. For some children this may not work as it may cause anxiety, but for some having a goal is an inspiration. Our daughter came home from Russia at 10 and would not speak English for the longest time. She did not want to make a mistake, so she just refused to try. We began to despair that she would ever learn it (silly I know, but hopefully you know that stretched/stressed overwhelmed season in those early months and understand!). So in her science class she had to make a simple machine and all the students were supposed to give an oral report. We knew that this would be the hardest thing in the world for our sweet girl. So we took the opportunity to tell her that if she got her nerve up to say 3 sentences, which we knew she could do at that point, then we would buy her the polly pockets she had admired at the toy store. For her it worked wonders. She said in the most adorable Russian accent right there in front of her class, "Thees ees my semple machine. Eet tourns on zee light. Eet uses a pooley andt leverrr." What a celebration we had! She had to overcome a lot to do that, having staked a lot of her energies in resisting speaking English-- a power struggle for sure. 

What are some battles/opportunities you are fighting alongside your child now? Do you have some advice on how to help your child move forward, a winner? Leave us a comment! 

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MORE PRACTICAL PARENTING IDEAS

From Beth:
You may have read last week's post sharing some practical strategies to train your child in healthy and godly ways of thinking and behavior. This post is a follow up to that one, with more ideas to try with your children. For when we parent in grace, we realize there is no place for punishment, but endless opportunity for discipline and training, and the sowing of many seeds awaits us in our day-to-day relationship with our child!


~ Here is a little disclaimer before I go forward: Susan and I are hesitant sometimes to share practical parenting advice. There are a few reasons for this. One is that there are so many wonderful ministries doing and excellent job already. Another is that we want to be very careful not to dishonor our children in any way when sharing the things we have struggled with that involve our kids--we desire to protect their privacy . And we in no way want to imply that there is one way to parent, or that we or anyone for that matter have the answers you need. Certainly we have received wisdom and we love to share it; we ourselves have learned a ton about parenting simply by copying others! But we always want to point you to the One who is the best Counselor and Helper, the One who Loves like no other and is the Light in my Darkness --and yours, and theirs, and everyone's.

But the main reason we may hesitate to share practical parenting advice is we are so convinced that all the best parenting in the world can not heal your child, nor can it give you what you most need in order to love them well. It is a very short step from being an avid student of parenting to actually placing my trust in my own parenting, in essence, trusting in myself. Good parenting is helpful and will make a signifiant difference in your family life and even in the life of your child, but it is only a container for the healing work of the Holy Spirit, not the healing itself. We never want to place our hope in our parenting, even though both of us thought at the beginning of our adoption journeys that if we read the right books, went to the right conferences, and put into practice all of that wonderful wisdom, that all of this would produce the godly children we were pouring our lives into raising.  It is clear to us that our hope is in Christ alone for salvation, healing, joy, purpose, connection, identity, inspiration, unity and wholeness.

So, back to the topic at hand! As we said last time, we don't want to stop at simply telling our children what not to do; we are looking for ways to equip them--to parent them forward into their identity in Christ. A very effective strategy Stephen and I have found to do this is to take the time to have some sort of follow up, or an affirming resolution to whatever the issue was that required discipline. 

Ask Questions
The use of questions is a great help in encouraging your child to enter into a true discussion with you. Remember, relationship is the heart of GRACE, so everything we do to nurture relationship and connection with our child, especially in the context of discipline, will bear eternal fruit. Some well thought out questions will guide your child to discover some realities for themselves. I don't know if you have the same problem that I do, but it is so easy for me to go into "lecture mode" when I want to correct my child. And what makes it worse is that our teens often felt that the stringing of two or three words together in a row constituted a lecture! So, asking questions is helpful in eliciting your child's involvement in the training process. And it has the added benefit of helping them learn to be a thinker.

Ask, What Went Wrong?
It has been fascinating for Stephen and me to see how often our children did not actually know why they were "in trouble," as they would put it. I remember one fairly typical scenario when our son had a spelling test. We had been working with him on getting his homework done with some degree of

excellence. His only goal in doing school work was to finish it as fast as possible. And I mean only--the idea that he would actually learn something or try to have correct answers was so not in his mindset! So, we had asked him if he had any homework or quizzes and he confidently said that he had nothing. You probably know where this is going, right? Later that week a failed spelling test comes home and so of course, we speak with him about it. As a natural consequence, he was not able to go out to play that afternoon so that he could learn to spell the words he had not studied earlier in the week. But when we had our follow up later that night and asked him, "Do you know why you weren't able to go out to play today?" his response was, "Because I got a bad grade on my spelling test." 
It was so good that we asked him, because in no way did we want to communicate that a bad grade would bring the "punishment" (which is how it felt to him) of not playing outside. If he had told the truth and studied, and then done poorly, we would not have responded that way at all. We were then able to go over what happened so that he could understand the real issue, and begin to help him make adjustments to his approach to homework. 
Over time, and with this child this did take some years for him to learn not to let the goal of finishing fast be his only objective, we are empowering our child to take responsibility for his/her actions and to learn new ways to do things. Asking the question helps define the problem, training your child not to see himself as a victim of circumstance (or of his mean parents!), nor to blame others in an attempt to avoid taking responsibility. 

Ask, Why Was That A Problem?
This provides an opportunity to talk with your child about the character and values your family honors. It helps get past the behavior as the main issue, so that you can access the heart attitude. When your child won't share her dolls, helping her imagine how that feels for her friend will open her heart past her primary drive to protect her belongings. Asking questions like, "how do you think Jenny felt when you wouldn't let her play with your dolls too?" or "remember when your brother didn't let you build with his legos yesterday? What did that feel like?" will begin to expand your child's ability to understand values like honor, kindness, generosity, hospitality, etc. 

This is an ideal to time train your child in forgiveness-- both the asking for and the giving of. It was helpful for us to teach our children to say, "I am sorry I _________. Will you please forgive me?" and "Yes, I forgive you." This took some time (we often had to do "re-dos" and give them the time they needed to be able to say these things with authenticity), but it helped by pass the angry/hurt and never effective, "I'm soooooorrrrrryyyyyy!"

I would also add here that it is a powerful thing to model this for your child. Don't miss an opportunity to ask your child for forgiveness when you've yelled at them, or ignored them, or any of the things we all do on occasion. Asking for and receiving their forgiveness empowers them to do the same, and will strengthen your relationship like nothing else. 

Speak Identity Into Your Child
Before you end your follow up time, allow the Holy Spirit to give you something positive to say about your child, especially looking forward into their future. Parenting in Grace is always forward looking and filled with hope. So no matter how bad things are at the moment, even if your child has opposed you every step of the way and resisted your efforts to train, you will find the Lord always has something good to say about him/her. Always. One of our children was terribly clever at getting things his way (notice the use of the word terribly!) so it was easy for me to say something like, "You are going to be such a wonderful employee when you are older. You are so good at solving problems and getting things done. Your boss is going to love you!" Or maybe you can say, "What a tender heart you have. You really do feel it when something is not right, don't you? I can tell you will be such a wonderful husband/wife one day. The best!"

So, how about you? Would you leave a comment here and share some things that are working in your home? I know God is at work in our families and He has shared some strategies with you that we all would love to hear! 

LAW VS. GRACE

From Beth Templeton:

THE LAW

1. shows you what is wrong with you (sin-conscious)

2. relies on external controls

3. focuses on sin/sin prevention

4. focuses on the outward behavior

5. is rigid

6. works in the context of rules 

7. controls 

8. punishes

9. is backward looking

10. withholds intimacy/creates emotional distance

11. stimulates shame, fear, hiding, bondage

12. is conforming

13. requires/forces performance

GRACE

1. reveals that you are the righteousness of God in Christ (Christ-conscious)

2. trains in Holy Spirit control

3. focuses on Identity/Destiny

4. focuses on the heart

5. gives Spirit-led choices

6. works in the context of relationship 

7. empowers 

8. trains/disciples

9. is forward looking

10. reveals and enjoys intimacy

11. produces openness, encouragement, freedom to make mistakes

12. is transforming

13. yields and expects fruitfulness (as a natural consequence)

RULES AND BOUNDARIES IN GRACE

From Beth Templeton:

If you're like most of us, you wonder if all this talk about relationship and grace means that we just let our children do what they want. 
Are we saying it is ok for them to misbehave? 
Don't we have to "lay down the law" sometimes?
Are you saying we become lazy parents? 
Don't we have boundaries? 

Absolutely, we have boundaries and rules! I like what Tim Kimmel says in his book, Grace Based Parenting, about family rules. He talks about how some we write in pencil, some in pen, or a sharpie-- and I would add some we write with our blood! He explains that Grace helps you to determine the rules and boundaries for your family, it does not eliminate them. Grace is the power of the cross put into effect in the life of your family-- it is no mushy free-for-all! Grace does indeed call forth and require certain behaviors, for it sees who the child is in Christ and works to disciple and train to that reality. Grace is often firm, but never harsh. Grace is intentional and passionate. The Apostle Paul spoke about the effect of Grace in his life in 1 Corinthians 15:10, "But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me."

Grace Empowers
Grace will empower you as a parent, calling you to deeper places of love, both between you and your Father and between you and your child.

To me, the main difference that Parenting in Grace makes is in how I attend to the sin of my children, not that I don't attend to it at all. Under law, when my child disobeys, I make them pay. And I withdraw relationship, at least for a while. I let them know that their actions have created a distance between us. That my displeasure and disappointment, along with their behavior, has resulted in the withholding of my love and approval. Sound familiar? Yikes! I suspect we have all done this to some extent-- it is a normal human emotional response. 

But I am learning that in Grace I need never use emotional distance as a parenting tool. For the Lord has promised me that because of Jesus and His finished work on the cross, He will never leave me nor forsake me. (Hebrews 13:5) He has made it clear that I have access to Him at all times, not based on my bad behavior that day, and not even based on my good behavior! No. My access to His love is mine through the Goodness of Jesus, His righteousness imputed to me. So, as I learn to enjoy this relationship, I am able to mirror that in my relationship with my child. 

God is Parenting Me As I Parent My Child
You are going to find that God comes alongside you to parent you through the process of parenting your child. Many of are truly pioneering a new thing. Maybe your parents did not know the Lord the way you do. Father God wants to parent you even now. I am 24 years into this parenting adventure, and still rely on the Lord to show me a new approach for a particular child at a particular time. I am learning, growing and changing-- because I can! Under the Law there is rigidity, lots of black and white. Under Grace there is the movement, growth and freedom that is inherent in relationship. Relationships are not static are they? 

We want to Parent our Child the way God Parents Us. How would you describe God’s treatment of you?
He is altogether lovely, and so very kind. Think of how He has parented you. Has He ever come to you wagging His finger in disgust, so ashamed of you, telling you you must get your act together before He can even deal with you. Never! The more we experience this wonderful love for ourselves, the more able we are to give this to our children. 

Grace Accesses the Power of God
Under Grace I have the freedom to love unconditionally. 
Grace is what enables us, and our children too, to access the power of God! Because of Grace I can turn to the Lord even at my worst moment and receive His help. Because of Grace I can teach my children that when they sin they have not cut themselves off from me because I am angry or disappointed in them. Nor do they have to hurry up and behave better before I will allow them to draw close. I may need to take some time to let my emotions calm down and align my feelings with the Truth, but I never need to punish my child by withdrawing my approval or love. They too have access to the power of God that helps them in their weakness. They too discover that grace empowers them to obey. 

Yes, We Do Have Rules!
So yes, we do have rules. For instance, we have decided that in the Templeton family we are going to worship with other believers-- that is, we go to church. That is a rule that we have written in blood, so to speak. It is in our relationship with Jesus that we make this decision. If you are a child in our home, you go to church. Grace helped us decide this rule, but we have found that grace also has helped us love our children through seasons where they have struggled with it. 

We have had many rules over the years that have been penciled in, ready to be erased and adjusted or rewritten according to the season we are in. Rules in Grace exist in the context of a loving relationship, whereas rules in the Law exist for the purpose of preventing or avoiding sin. And I'm sorry to say that try as we might, rules simply cannot play that role. 
But regardless, Grace sees the breaking of a rule as an Opportunity to train and to teach, not as an opportunity to extract payment through punishment and judgement. 

God is educating you; that’s why you must never drop out. He’s treating you as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? Hebrews 12:7-8

And God is able to make all grace (every favor and earthly blessing) come to you in abundance, so that you may always and under all circumstances and whatever the need be self-sufficient [possessing enough to require no aid or support and furnished in abundance for every good work and charitable donation].

2 Corinthians 9:8