10 THINGS I LOVE ABOUT THE DO OVER

From Beth

I am a huge fan of the "do over." As a matter of fact I think a key to parenting, especially parenting children who have experienced trauma, is to weave the second (and third and fourth....) chance into the way we train and disciple our children. Stephen and I have learned over the years how important it is for our children to always, always, always know that we see a way forward and that we are committed to discover that path with them. How many times have we said to our children, "Let's try this again," or "Our goal is to get you back to being able to enjoy that freedom." 

Here are 10 Things I Love About The Do-Over:

1. It communicates HOPE. It says, "There is nothing you can do that will ever make me give up on you. I have a faith in what God is doing in you and in me that propels us forward, into your destiny."
2. It says, "You can do this. You have what it takes. I can see it, even if you can't."
3. It is a display of unconditional love--"No matter what you say or do, I am here for you. My love is not affected by your behavior (although my feelings often are!), for it is my choice to love you in good times and bad."
4. It speaks of enduring love. It says, "I love you and am committed to walk alongside you no matter how long it takes to see you live in the abundant life that is your inheritance."
5. It sends me on a treasure hunt, seeking the precious treasure of my child's true identity as a beloved son or daughter. It reminds me again to call forth the treasure and to speak life into my child. "You are my son/daughter and I love you. I know who you are; I see the gifts of God in your life (sometimes seeing "in the Spirit" is the only way to do this, for what we see in the flesh may not be helpful!)" 
6. It demands that we always Parent Forward into our child's true Identity and Destiny, rather parenting into the past of their trauma or the present manifestation of it. 
7. It speaks of partnership. "We are in this together. I am not going to distance myself from you because of what you have done; I will not punish you by withholding my love. Rather, I will draw in close with a plan for you to move forward. You and I will do this together. You are not alone in your pain/fear/anger."
8. It is a beautiful expression of Grace--undeserved favor. It says, "Because you are my son/daughter, you are favored. You and I don't get what we deserve. How good is that?!" It is extravagant and sometimes even offensive (to our own sense of justice and to others who do not understand.)
9. It is an opportunity to share with our child our own testimonies of how God has never given up on us, of how He has always given us a way forward when we have slammed shut doors to our future. 
10. It is, pure and simple, Good News! It is the Gospel lived out in the nitty gritty reality of our mommy/daddy lives. It is all about Jesus, real and effective and just plain GOOD!

So, the next time your child speaks disrespectfully to you or disobeys or lashes out in anger, look for ways to parent him/her forward. Sometimes it is as easy as saying, "Sweetie, that was not ok. Let's try that again." 

And sometimes it is not that easy, that is for sure! As a matter of fact I have a few children for whom that sweet scenario is quite rare. Sometimes you will have to offer that do over again and again and again, holding your ground. We have some children who would go for days before they would yield to the offer of hope and forward movement. 

Take the cell phone for example, or substitute some other situation common to your child. We had very clear limits set for cell phone use when our children were younger. We also had more than one (as in lots and lots!) of occasions to "try again." As tempting as it is to threaten the end of all cell phone use forever, that is not really helpful! 
We would say something like, "It looks like I'll have to hold on to your phone now. You know, I want you to be able to have that cell phone, (or play with that toy, or have a friend over) as much as you do. You and I want the same thing! I want to help you get back to enjoying that freedom. What is a good path back from where we are? Let's see what we can do to get you what you want."
Be sure to set a finite time when your child can "try again." As I said, sometimes it can be right away, but with our children who tend to emotional escalation, it is more common for the do-over to take some time. It is always helpful to keep it as short a time as possible. We want to communicate our hope and confidence in their ability to make good choices through letting them know we are prepared to give them another chance from the beginning.  

TELL ME ONCE AGAIN WHO I AM!

From Beth:

"Tell me ONCE AGAIN who I am to you, that I belong to you." I so love these lyrics from Jason Gray's song, Remind Me Who I Am. Our worship team played this at H@HKids! while some of the team enacted a skit about identity--that who God says I am trumps any lie I might believe about myself. 

It is they cry of every one of us! 

It is the privileged role of every mother and father to tell each one of our children once again-- 
over and over and over and over,
year after year after year after year

You are my precious child. You are the one I love. You are special to me. You are a treasure.

When our children were little they would want to read the same book every night before bed-- 
night after night after night after night. 
Or they would want to watch the same movie, fast-forwarding to their favorite scene-- 
day after day after day after day.

Children are just that way, taking in something of value to them through repetition. 

And it is that way with us, even now as adults. Stephen told me he loved me when we got married. And he meant it. But I need to hear it once again--
over and over and over and over,
day after day after day after day.

So, let's call forth the treasure of each one of our children, telling them ONCE AGAIN, who they are. 

• Speak it in season and out of season. 
• Speak it when your child embraces their identity as the beloved, and speak it when your child denies the truth of it, either through their words or through their actions. 
• Speak it when you see it with your eyes, and speak it when you don't. 
• Speak it when they are in front of you listening, and speak it when they have gone to bed and only you and God can hear.
• Speak it when your heart is full of the truth of it, and speak it when the words seem like a lie even to you.

Speak it--
over and over and over and over, 
day after day after day after day,
year after year after year after year.

For many of our children who have suffered loss, rejection, neglect and more through their relinquishment, this repetition over days and years is a simple yet powerful key to the healing work God is doing. And for our children who have never known anything but the solid truth of their state as the beloved, this repetition will be the gift that never grows old. Just as I never tire of hearing Stephen tell me he loves me, so do we all never tire of hearing the words of truth that we belong, that we are loved, that we are treasured.

When this "telling once again" underlies all of our parenting, we find ourselves in constant communication with the Lord, asking, "Who is this child?" 
We find ourselves parenting forward with God's eternal purposes in mind, reminded once again that God is up to something in this child that far surpasses the behavior of the moment. 
We find ourselves moved once again with hope, because the promises of God do not disappoint, even though both our parenting and our children sometimes do.

...endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. (Romans 5:3-5 NLT)

Father God, would you tell me today something about _____________? Who is this child? When You think about _______________, what do you say? And would You show me how to weave the truth of his/her identity into my parenting day after day after day after day? Thank You and Amen!

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FOCUSING FORWARD, GLANCING BACK

Recently I have found myself thinking quite a bit more about the pasts of our children who have come into our family through adoption. Ironically, the facts of our children's pasts, along with the resulting issues, both positive and negative, seem to be more present in our present, not less, as the years have gone by.  It would seem to me that the opposite would be true-- that the longer our children are home, the more distant the impact and influence of their past. And in some ways this has been true. But in some ways those key questions of identity that are the stuff of adolescence and young adulthood have taken us back to a season not unlike those early days after our adoptions, where we are especially aware of the impact of the our children's past experiences in their lives, in their thinking, in their actions, and in their beliefs. 

It seems to me that the past is not a non-issue, that one of our roles as parents is to help our children navigate the often complicated emotions and other residue from the things they experienced, and equally as influential, the things they did not experience before they came into our families. And having understanding of how our children are experiencing these realities, helping them to understand why they might think, feel or act in certain ways, has been so helpful to Stephen and me. I am thankful for the freedom we have to embrace each child's story, their whole story, as we help them come to their own decisions about who they are and how they will process their often harsh and painful origins. I use the word freedom because apart from the freedom that we have in Christ, who is the great redeemer of all things broken and stolen, I think I would have tried to ignore and cover over and deny all the hardships of our children's pasts, simply out of my desire to protect them and to help them move forward.

Over the years it has been tempting to "wish away" the past, hoping that the goodness of the present would override it somehow. Tempting or not, that simply does not work. For it is a gift we give our children to share with them in their story, even the most difficult parts. For most of us the instinct is always to protect our children from pain by avoiding it or covering it over, but what if protection in this case looks more like embracing and accepting? At some point many of our children will need to know even the most difficult parts of their story, and we parents want to be the ones to tell them and to walk with them through the process of grieving and the swirling emotions as they struggle to process their story. 

Let me show you a picture of a tree that Stephen and I saw last week when we were away. (we went to Santa Fe-- just the two of us! It was so refreshing to have that time together!)

   
You can't see very well from this distance; this tree doesn't look particularly interesting, until you look closer. Now take a look at the close up of the trunk:

This was a large tree that had been cut down to a stump years ago. I am sure that there were no expectations of this tree once it had been cut down. But how cool is this?! Out of that dead stump came a whole new tree-- a really great tree. I see that God, in His great wisdom and goodness, is doing a similar work in our children. He is not allowing us to ignore the past, but rather is using what seems like a dead stump to call forth new life-- He is continuing the story without wasting one thing! Only God does such amazing things! For it is true my friends, He is busy working ALL THINGS together for the good of our precious children. (Romans 8:28)

We are watching and co-laboring with Father God as He is doing a "new thing" (Isaiah 43:19) in our children's lives through adoption. This is a privilege beyond measure. We parents get front row seats in this interactive drama where new things spring forth; where a past marked by rejection, pain, sin, abandonment, relinquishment, neglect, fear, and lack does not determine a future, but is miraculously transformed and re-purposed for LIFE.  


I have always liked the analogy of driving a car that Susan Hillis shared with me years ago, as she and I have spent many hours talking and praying about how to parent our children into their future, according to their Identity and Destiny, rather than in response to their past. 

Stephen and I have had to teach 7 teenagers how to drive, and I am not kidding when I say that this is one of the worst parts of parenting for me-- nothing like giving a moody teen a lethal weapon! One of the things we teach them is the importance of the rear view mirror. Until you teach someone to drive, you probably don't realize how many times you take a quick glance back to what is behind you as you navigate forward. But that right there my friends is the key-- you only glance back! Yes, you do it often and it is a key to successfully moving forward, but if we were to focus our eyes backward, rather than forward, we would never make it to our destination. 

So, as we parent our children our eyes are always focused on the future, on our child's Identity and Destiny. We Parent Forward. However, we recognize that their past is not something to be ignored, and is as a matter of fact, a key component in the call of God on their lives and on their unique identity. So we glance back as needed. And something I would add on that we have been learning recently is that occasionally a child may need to pull the car over so to speak, get out and spend some time exploring what lies behind. And when that happens dear parent, you get right out with him or her, link one arm with your son or daughter and the other arm with the Holy Spirit, and walk right alongside. And the best thing we can do for our child on this excursion is to keep our focus always on the Lord and His forward-moving, life-giving, past-redeeming plans and promises. 

Father, would you help us to simultaneously embrace our child's whole story while keeping our eyes firmly focused forward into their Identity and Destiny in You. Thank you for your redemption of all that has been stolen or lost in our child's past. Cause them to be that beautiful tree, a planting of the Lord! Amen.

(Susan Tebos and Carissa Woodwyk's book, Before You Were Mine; Discovering Your Adopted Child's Life Story, is very helpful in helping adoptive parents embrace their child's whole story. Great practical ideas and wonderful focus on the Lord.)

WHO IS SHE?

We thought we'd take a little break from Stephen's series on anger-- everyone needs a break from anger, right?! Don't be angry though! There's still one more post coming! Enjoy this wonderful story.....

FROM SUSAN HILLIS:

It couldn't have been planned to work out better!  One week ago, we drove 4 hours out of town, Cristi goes into labor 4 hours after we arrive, and their beautiful little girl is born 4 hours after that!  It is a HUGELY exciting privelege to see that one of the fruits of our parenting is that we are building foundations for generations to come!  (I already have 2 granddaughters, a 3rd on the way, and with 10 kids, I am counting on at least 30 grandkids, as I am sure some of them will adopt!)

Before Elyse was ever born, Cristi and Andrew had received understanding about who she is and about God's purposes for her life...as you read this excerpt from their happy birth announcement, see if you can figure it out!

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 It is with great joy that we announce the arrival of our daughter Elyse Gabrielle Slate (formally known as Skittle :).  Elyse arrived at 3:28 AM on April 7, 2012.  She weighs 5 pounds, 10 ounces and is 19 inches long.  Mother and baby are both doing well.

 About her name...

One of the meanings of the name Elyse is "my God is bountiful."  It is our heart that our daughter would truly know the bounty of God in all areas-- His bountiful love, mercy, provision, faithfulness, etc!  Her middle name (Gabrielle) is the female form of the name Gabriel.  In the Bible, the angel Gabriel was the messenger who told Mary and Joseph about Jesus.  Andrew felt like God showed him that Gabrielle was the middle name for this baby.  It is our desire that Elyse Gabrielle would experience the bounty of God in her own life, and then be a messenger of the good news of Jesus for others.

We appreciate your thoughts and prayers as we adjust to this new season of parenthood!

Love,

Andrew and Cristi Slate

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So, what's your name?

As I read Elyse's birth announcement, I felt such gratitude that the Lord had shown Cristi her Identity -- Elyse;  and Andrew her Destiny -- Gabrielle. 

From even before each of us is born, the Lord has His hand upon us, creating us in His image, for His purposes.  He has an identity and destiny picked out for each of us and for each of our children before we are ever even born!

Let me close with a personal story.  About 4 years ago at a 24 hour prayer meeting, one of the leaders from our church encouraged each of us to spend some time alone in prayer and simply ask the Lord to show us our name..."Lord, what is the Name You think of, when You think of me?"  I did, not expecting the answer to be so evident and prompt.  Within a short time was imprinted clearly in my mind this phrase, 'mother of nations; I see you as a mother of nations.'  I felt so very priveleged to realize part of these adoption purposes in my life is so very intertwined with who I am, with my name, with God's purposes for my life. 

Have you ever asked or thought about this question?  If not, I encourage you to.  The Lord's purposes in making you and me and each of our children is good. 

We ask, Lord, that you give us eyes to see and affirm who our children are, and to encourage them in Your good purposes for their lives. 

6 TALKS WITH 6 DAUGHTERS IN 1 DAY!

From Susan Hillis:

Now that our kids are growing up and only 3 are still living at home, it is uncommon for me to talk with all my 6 daughters in 1 day!  This past week I had this privilege!  What was striking was the Lord's power in keeping our connections close in spite of many relational ups and downs that our family and your family and every family has!  And I saw inner beauty and God's tender love as I listened to their stories, and I feel so proud of and thankful for who they are!

Lana was the first to call home- collect again, three times that day, from the Clayton County Jail. "Mommy, you have GOT to read Psalm 143 and be praying it. [I understood her to mean it was especially for her...if you have time please read it and pray for her and the other 3 friends of hers in jail who asked her to write their names on the blog her mama writes on and ask people to pray for them by name; Lana, Angela and family, Tabitha, Shy].. Oh, and there is an emergency with my other friend. My friend J. wants you to call her boyfriend S. and ask him to have her mama visit her in the jail at once-- it is an emergency!" So I end up having a wonderful conversation with him about praying for Lana and his girlfriend. What struck me was his gratitude. "You cannot imagine how much I worried about her. I will call her mama right now!"

         Then on Lana's next call, she asks, "Mama, I have a question.  Two of my friends here are afraid they are gonna take their babies away while they are in jail; isn't it true they have to give their permission?" After empathizing with their pain, I explain that it depends on whether their parental rights are legally terminated. Lana replies, "Mama, their rights are terminated they said, because they have been working in prostitution. They are so sad. I told them, 'don't worry so much about someone adopting your children. My parents adopted me and it was the best thing that ever happened to me in my whole life." This is the daugther whose manifestations of reactive attachment disorder were often heartbreaking. She is salt and light in that jail. She asks you pray she keeps God first in her life when she is OUT of jail, not only when she is IN jail!

Cristi is second- Cristi calls while I am on the phone with Lana; I put them both on speaker phone and these sisters can hear each other's voices for the first time in months since Lana went to jail. Cristi is excited about the gift she and her husband Andrew are expecting from God... their sweet little daughter, and figures out a way to send Lana a baby picture while she is in jail. We get to pray together before saying goodbye. Cristi and I also are discussing Cristi's participation in two "wave-of-the-future" ministries: "Ukraine without Orphans," and "Russia without Orphans." I tell her once again, "Did you know you are my HERO?!!!" Cristi replies, "Yes mom, you tell me that all the time!"

Cristi, pregnant with her first baby.

Anya is next - "Mommy, I have to tell you what happened after I called you yesterday crying and you prayed for me." [She had been sitting in a van, bored and with nothing to do, expecting to be there all day while her husband and his work crew were doing a roof job.] We had prayed the Lord would somehow surprise her with something meaningful to do with her time that day. "Mommy, the lady we are working for is a surgeon who hurt her back so she can't work right now. She came out and talked with me and asked me, "Do you know if you would go to heaven if you died tomorrow?" It told her, "Yes, I know because my mommy and daddy taught me; I have received Jesus into my heart and trust Him to save me, and try to live my life close to Him and for Him." Well Mommy, I figured she must be worried about this so I asked her the same question. She said, "You know, I don't know." So Mommy, I helped her figure it out." What is striking about this story is the gifted and talented surgeon was talking with my sweet daughter who has severe learning difficulties; and my gifted and talented daughter was talking with the hurt surgeon who has severe  spiritual difficulties. They both ended up being a huge blessing to each other. Anya ends our call saying, "And Mommy, she may want to adopt and I told her she should talk with you about that. I knew you would help her for sure!"

Anya, center, with sisters Katya and Masha.

Then Katya and and I connect - Katya, who works part time and is an amazing hair dresser, had disappeared for the afternoon and I wondered where she had gone. "Mom, I am working on cleaning the hearth at the old house [the one we lost in the Atlanta flood 2 1/2 years ago. We hope to be moving back in soon!] because the dirt from the river is just ground into it." Katya has been doing this for days without talking about it, an unobserved act of service. I say, "Katya, did you realize you are doing exactly what Jesus talks about in John 13-- serving in ways that most people don't think are important?" She is helping in so many ways--visiting Lana, helping with my mom, serving at the old house.... She is aaamaaaazzzzing!

Katya, left, with Lana, Masha and her daughter, Susan
and Ksusha

Ksusha calls from Texas - "Mommy, I will be flying home for a week on Friday night! I can't wait to see everybody. [Ksusha is 6 months pregnant.] I am feeling good and the doctor says the baby is doing fine! My doggie is so funny.. sometimes she lays her head on my tummy where the baby is!" When Ksusha gets home she says, "Mommy, I am so happy to be 18 and pregnant. I think it is ending up such a blessing for me! If I had not gotten pregnant I would have been in with the wrong crowd, going to wild parties and stuff. But now I am living with my second family, [the wonderful Kovacs!] in Austin and growing closer to the Lord. I really don't feel badly about my choice now because everyone makes bad choices sometimes. I am just focusing on living forward." Literally, those two words, "living forward" were hers. As for years I have tried to "parent forward," as my dear friend Beth says, it was exciting and shocking to hear my sweet daughter say this! Especially my formerly oppositional and rebellious daughter!

"Ksusha, did I ever talk with you about that idea, living forward, or parenting forward?" 

"No, I don't think so;  it is just how I want to live!"

"Ksusha, do you know I spend my life thinking about the topic of helping you all walk into your future in the Lord instead of living stuck in your past?! I am so excited to hear you use those two words!!!!  Now I have a question for you.  I am getting ready to speak at the Created for Care conference and I want to know what daddy and I did that was helpful."

"Mommy, the two best things you did were to insist we spend time doing fun things as a family 'all together' -- though I often complained about it, I just love it now that we did so much together.  And the second thing was that you and daddy disciplined us, but were not really too strict. That's what I would say. Tell them not to be too strict, but that discipline is good. And to be sure to do things together as a family!"

Masha invites us over for supper - And last of all, I got to finish the day having supper with my sweet daughter Masha, and her kind-hearted and bright husband Josh, and my precious granddaughter Naomi! We are proud that Masha is in her last semester of college. I didn't know until we sat down the wonderful news that Masha shared, "Mom, we wanted to have you over to celebrate because Josh got a job! He starts Monday!" We had been praying as a family daily for God's provision in this way and this news MADE MY DAY!"

Mash with her husband and daughter

So I close this with two thoughts:

1. "I know of no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth."  III John 4  [pray it!]

AND

2.  For those struggling in your care for young or teen children now, be encouraged that you will make it and they will make it - and the Lord is able to preserve their sense of His care for them AND to preserve our relationships with each other!  I believe that what He has done for us, He will do for you!