BEAUTIFULLY DIFFERENT

From Beth:
Stephen and I have been talking about adoption a lot lately. It's interesting because for years we really didn't think about it much. Of course, in the beginning we lived and breathed it. But then things settled down and we moved into a lovely stage of simply being a family, not really needing to focus much on the fact that we had 4 adopted children. It was a beautiful part of who we were, but not a focal point I would say.

But as we have entered into this stage of launching our children into adulthood, it feels as if we have come full circle in some ways. Adoption has come to the forefront of our lives again as our beautiful treasures are making the transition into independence. We are seeing that this process of separating from us is bringing out the uniqueness of each child as they discover more fully who they are in the context of being Russian and American and adopted and a Templeton and a child of their biological parents . How complicated! This is no easy transition to make! 

One thing Stephen and I have realized through this process is that we had a goal for our children that, although very well-meant, was not the goal that God had in mind. Let me explain. It was our desire that our adopted children be so loved, so secure, so encompassed in the life and culture of our family, that they would come to a point where they never felt different or separate from us. We didn't want them to feel like they didn't fit in or that they were somehow "other." And for some years there, I think we got as close to that goal as a family could. We celebrated our children's Russian heritage, provided Russian language tutoring, and made multiple trips back to Russia, but through it all our desire was to save our adopted children from feeling any sense of being different.

But let me tell you what I feel God has been teaching me these past few years. Our children are different. He loves their differences and wants us to love and embrace those differences, not try to erase them. Our adopted children have taken on a different shape than our biological children, but that is because God does not want to eliminate their past, their story, their genetic dispositions. There is no doubt whatsoever in my mind that His plan for them is complete freedom from any and all manifestations of the brokenness and lack that led to their need to be adopted. But since God is all about restoration and redemption, so He delights to use the very building blocks that have been toppled into rubble to rebuild their borders and create their shape. 

It makes complete sense to me now that the shape of their lives would look different than mine. And I hear the Spirit of God say, "Embrace it all Beth. They need to see that you rejoice in who they are, even when it looks rough and unfinished." It's like they are putting together the borders of their lives, just like you do when you put together a complex puzzle. These borders are what define and give them shape, and we are seeing that the shape of their puzzle looks in some ways different, beautifully different. We see that they are looking to us to see if we approve, to see if it is OK to take on this shape. 

Are there things we would change? Well, yes there are! But that is true for all of our children, biological and adopted. We parents see things our children don't see, and we feel the temptation to try to live our children's lives for them--at least I do! But we trust the Lord to take them through this stage of growth and identity discovery; we trust Him with this process of shape-discovery and the fitting together of border pieces. We see that the love and spirit of adoption that we have given our lives to has taken on different shapes and forms as it is expressed in our children of three different family trees. All three family lines exhibit evidence of this spirit of adoption, yet all three look different.

Speaking of trees, you might look at it like this: you and your spouse are apple trees in an apple orchard. Your biological family are also apple trees. There are doubtless different varieties, red delicious, golden, granny smith, winesap, etc, but still, all are apples. When you adopted your beloved children you introduced, most likely, some other fruit trees into your orchard. Maybe you have an orange tree, or pear--or a few of each! Apples, oranges, pears--all are wonderful trees, but each one unique.

It does not help for you to try to make that orange tree bear apples. It simply is not possible, and will only create tension, frustration and eventually, anger. 

Does that make sense to you? I wonder what you all think. I'd so appreciate your input on this--leave a comment!

REACTIVE OR RESPONSIVE?

From Beth Templeton:

Parenting is a pretty effective classroom I have found. Boy have I learned a lot about myself, about relationships, and about God, directly as a result of being a mother. Today I want to share something that I have found very helpful in facing innumerable parenting situations over the years-- that is, the benefits of being a responsive rather than a reactive parent. 

I'll tell you up front that I've tried both ways-- reacting and responding. I'm not even sure these two words are exactly the right ones to use, but they have been helpful to me as a parent in differentiating between two very different parenting modes. The difference may seem subtle, but in the reality of our family life, as well as the realities of my own inner life, the line is not as fine as it might seem. 

Intense Needs-- The Highlight Effect

It doesn't take me long to tell the difference once I'm in the middle of a situation. Certainly Stephen and I have had ample opportunities over the years to recognize the difference between meeting a situation with one of our children by reacting, or by responding. When I react, I am operating on a more base level. I allow my initial feelings to direct my actions. For instance, feelings of anxiety, fear, stress, frustration and anger are pretty common reactions for a parent in certain more intense seasons. This is a reality for all parents, but the needs of children who have experienced relinquishment and all that often accompanies that sad fact of their past, put a new spin on the word intense!

And I know that many of you have little ones who deal with RAD, FAS, oppositional behaviors, learning disabilities, physical disabilities...... 

I've tried to describe the difference between parenting our adopted children and our birth children over the years. My friends who have not adopted will often say that what we are dealing with is no different than their situations, or of someone that they know. It is hard to explain, because on the surface it doesn't sound that different. But for me it is as if someone has taken a situation and put it down on paper, and then come along with a bright yellow highlighter and colored over the words. 

There is something different-- it is highlighted, more intense, more urgent. It stands out and draws my parental attention in a more alarming way. And I realize that my feelings, my reactions, are also highlighted. They are more intense, more loaded with fear for this child's future and a deep awareness of the healing work that has yet to be complete. Maybe it is because I see that my biological children have, underneath the difficult issue we are facing together, a solid foundation of unshakable truth-- they know they are loved, they are safe, they are accepted. But when our adopted children are in the midst of a similar life-issue I sense a vulnerability that simply does not exist in our birth children. A behavior that in one may be simply an immature expression of a desire, or a character trait that needs some direction, or a season of testing, in the other is an expression of the residual fear of being rejected, of being unsafe, or of an illogical drive to remain in survival mode long after the need to do so is over.

Reacting to the Child vs. Responding to the Lord

So, when I turn my mothering attention to the issue at hand and I react rather than respond, I find I am operating more unconsciously, and inevitably some level of fear is involved. And let me tell you from experience, parenting in fear simply does not work! It does not work for you, and it does not work for your child. 

But when I respond to my child and the need at hand, I realize that I am motivated by love, my love for my child, and even more important, God's love for me and my child. I am consciously aware and intentional about my actions. Responding involves me making choices about parenting decisions based on what I know to be true, not based on what I am feeling. As I often tell my children, feelings are real, but they very often do not tell the truth. Real and True are not the same thing!

When I respond I am able to stay in line with our family's values and vision. It is, I suppose, a matter of control. For it is so very true I have learned, the only thing I can control is myself! And believe me my friends, I have put a good effort into trying to control my children and the situations we deal with! But what I have found is that when I put my effort into controlling what I can, (that is me!) my children and even sometimes the situation we are in the middle of, come into alignment with our values and vision. As a lover of Jesus, I have a PEACE available to me, not based on my quiet time that morning or my good performance as a mother, but purchased and made available to me because of what Jesus did. So, as I access that peace and as I choose to respond to the Holy Spirit, rather than react to the situation, that same peace is diffused into the situation. Pretty exciting stuff!

Responding Results in Greater Freedom

Do you see this substantial difference I am talking about? Subtle on one hand, but significant in the aftereffect. 

With reaction often comes guilt, shame, blame, fear and anger. But when I respond to the Holy Spirit and God's truth, I experience peace and patience, and I find acceptance of my child and helpful understanding come quickly after. Responding results in greater freedom, for me and for my child. Reacting seems to narrow my options for moving forward as a parent, and therefore limiting my ability to help my child move forward. But when I respond to the presence of God in me and heed His voice of life, I find there is literally always a way forward. Always. My emotional reaction seems to shut doors and hide much needed answers, but my choice to respond to the Lord rather than react to my child's behavior opens pathways of life for both me and my child. And, answers for what to do in the situation at hand are revealed!

I'll end this post with some practical things I do to help me stay in responding mode, rather than reacting mode. Maybe some of you would be willing to share the things you do in the comment section!

1. Write down the scriptures and promises God has given you over the years about your family and your children. Keep them someplace where you will see them regularly.

2. Put on worship music.

3. Partner with a friend who will remind you of the Truth when you are in a tough time.

4. Speak the truth to yourself, out loud when possible. 

5. Take a break. Tell your child you will talk a little later. Then take whatever time you need to put fear in it's place and access the peace that is your inheritance.

6. Rehearse to yourself and your family what God has done, rather than focus on all that you are waiting for Him to do. This will build your faith for the things you are trusting Him for. 

FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS- MY OPPORTUNITY

Years ago I read a wonderful parenting book by Paul Tripp called Age of Opportunity.  Just the title itself speaks volumes. I love the perspective that Tripp brings and I recommend the book for any parent. It is directed at parenting the teens, but personally I think it is full of truth for all ages. Tripp encourages us to see the difficult issues we deal with not as interruptions or problems to quickly squelch or move past, but rather as opportunities to see the power of the gospel worked out in real time in our homes and in our children's lives. For me, this perspective changes everything! Let me explain.

My Initial Reaction

Many of us who have adopted children from "hard places" know the realities of out-of-control rages, complete shut-downs, compulsive or destructive behaviors, or many other manifestations of grief, rejection, pain and fear from our child's past. If you are like me, your first response is quite naturally to see the behavior as a problem to be dealt with. To this day I have yet to have my initial reaction to my child's rage, for instance, be, "How exciting. Here is a wonderful opportunity to see the power of the gospel on display in my own home. Let me press right in to the middle of this raging child's life and reveal the love of God to him!" 
No, I'm afraid to say that every time we are faced with a difficult situation, I have to overcome my own bit of anger or offense or hurt or discouragement, or fear, or weariness..... have I covered most of your reactions too?!

For Such a Time as This

But I will say that I am learning to quickly and even instinctively embrace the opportunity inherent in each manifestation of some past hurt in our adopted children. I see the tender mercy of God in the exposure of what at the moment is something ugly and off-putting. When my child pushes me away, rejecting my love, I am able to recognize the opportunity, and I am honored that once again I get to be the one to pour out the unconditional love of God on my hurting child. 
Think of it friends! It is for such a time as this that God brought our children into our homes. All those years ago when God called us to adopt, He saw the day when my child would be safe enough, surrounded and embraced by years of the love and care and safety that can only come from a family, to let out into the open this next layer of pain or fear or anger. It is for such a time as this that Stephen and I were called, that you my dear friends, are called to love your child. 

Where else could your sweet daughter or son let that deep sense of rejection or that swirling anger or those wordless fears and anxieties be laid bare? God looked ahead and saw a time and a place right there in your home, under the covering of your love, and said, "Right there--I see it. That is where this precious child of mine will be safe enough to be known. There I see my servants, who have opened their hearts to love big, will not turn from this need that looks so irritating or ugly. No, they will love. They will lead. They will hope." 

Tapping into the Love of Father God

This is our time dear parent. As Esther was in the right place at the right time to be available for God to use in the saving of the Jews, you and I are uniquely placed for God to use us in His amazing plans of healing and freedom for our children. "For such a time as this" (Esther 4:14) God brought these children out of their relinquished state and into your home. Let us not pull away from the hard issues to avoid the discomfort, or try to quickly cover it over to keep it hidden. Rather, let us tap into the very love of our Father God and see the amazing opportunity He is giving us to love as He loves. Indeed, to love as He has loved us. For He has never turned away from the ugliness and need in you or me, has He? Oh how Good He Is! How wonderful is this gospel! It is indeed Good News for us parents, and for our children!!

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PARENTING PRIDE

I am so close to getting cured! I think my antidote is this close to completion. No doubt there will be pinches of this and dollops of that as the recipe is perfected, but I've decided to share my antidote with you, thinking some of you parents may be somewhat familiar with this concoction.

As you'll notice I'm sure, your antidote may differ from mine in details. But I have a feeling that this simple recipe will not be too different from your own! Really, there are only a few ingredients, but in my case their effectiveness seems to have come in the consistent dosing regimen. And our adoptions have been the perfect environment for the creation of my cure. 

I started out in our adoption journey feeling pretty confident in my parenting skills. We had three daughters and were 10 years down this parenting road when our first two children came home from Russia. I so enjoyed being a mother (I still do!) and felt pretty confident in my role. Looking back I see that my approach to parenting at the time was full frontal attack on anything that didn't belong in our home, or didn't fit with what God says about who our children are. And it worked. Our girls responded. When an issue popped up I simply parented that issue right out the door! Simple and effective. Feeling pretty darn good about myself, I must admit. 

Mind you, I had no idea I was prideful-- I just thought I was pretty good at this mothering thing!

Then we adopted and quickly entered a season of intense and pronounced parenting, a perfect setting for God to do what He does so well, that is to help me experience more of the freedom that is mine in Jesus.

Ingredient 1: A Good Healthy Dose of Public Embarrassment

One of our friends at our previous church, an older lady whom we had known for years, was clearly not thrilled when we shared that we were going to adopt children from Russia. She just didn't "get it." Her response was more about what could go wrong than about celebrating what God was doing. She told us that we would know if it was God if all went smoothly. 
Hmmmmmm........ I don't think so!
I know that many of you are painfully familiar with what it is like to have people close to you be critical of your choice to answer the call to adopt. 
So, one day very shortly after we brought our second two boys home we went to the ballet recital of a dear family friend. Yes I know, taking a 10 year old boy who just came home from Russia to a ballet recital may not have been the best idea, but we were determined to do things together as a family and figured it wouldn't be too bad.
This friend of ours from church was also at the recital, sitting just down the row. And our dear 10 year old son, a few minutes into the show, decided that he didn't like this one bit. Kind of hard to blame him. He began to throw a fit--writhing around and saying something that didn't sound so nice in Russian. Are you picturing this? A ballet recital has begun, the place is full of people queitly watching the stage, and we have a TEN YEAR OLD throwing fit. Poor Stephen had to literally pick him up-- he was 10, but very thin and small at that point from lack of a healthy diet in the orphanage, which worked in our favor this one time! He had to carry him along the row of stadium seating, requiring everyone to stand in order to make room for them to pass, including this friend of ours. Everyone in that theater turned to look at us. So embarrassing! But the worse part of the whole scene was having to walk by that one woman who we were quite sure was thinking, "See, I told you so!"

Since that time we have had an uncomfortably regular dosage and  variety of public embarrassment, marked by visits with teachers, school officials, coaches, parents, and more than a few uncomfortable exits.... 

Ingredient 2: Picking Your Battles- On Steroids

Most parents learn about "picking your battles" at some point. It's just good wisdom. Maybe some of you who have adopted older children can relate to this, but I know Stephen and I have felt this sense of urgency, like we have to parent in double time to make up for the years we didn't have, as well as to compensate for the fact that we have less time ahead of us before our children become adults. So much of the behavior our children learned from growing up in an orphanage and from their years without loving parental supervision clearly needed our attention! But we soon realized that if we were to address every issue every time (full frontal attack style), then our relationship with our children would be always and only about correction. Who wants that?! So we learned to pick our battles. But that meant that we had to let some things go that were seriously not good-- the kind of things you are not wanting your friends to see. The kind of behaviors that good Christian parents simply do not let stand.

For example, it is a good thing for us to teach our children to greet a guest, to stand up, look them in the eye and respond-- in full sentences. No "uhuh" or "nope" for us! And when our children do this it feels pretty darn good. Chalk up a success for good parenting! But with so many issues to deal with, almost all more important and more pressing than good manners, we simply had to let it go for a season. It might not be that big a deal, except that I couldn't explain why we were not responding when our child did not greet our guest. If I could I might have been able to maintain a bit more of my pride, but it was unwise and unreasonable to go into our parenting strategies and our defense of how we really are trying to be good parents even though it doesn't look like it, every time it happened- or didn't happen as the case may be. 

Side-Effects

So, once again, I was fed my medicine. And although it didn't taste good at all-- no cherry flavor to cover up the bitter aftertaste, no food coloring to disguise the distinctly unappetizing color-- I have to admit that the after effect has been so good for me. I am thankful that God has loved me enough to put me on this regimen that is my cure for parenting pride.

I see that I am responding well to my medicine, too. I am increasingly less aware of what others think, and increasingly more at peace with the fact that my mothering is not actually about my strength and ability but about God's love and patient pursuit of my children's hearts and spirits through me. And it seems that increases in compassion and understanding are side-effects, and these are side-effects I can live with! And I have experienced a decrease in my self-reliance levels, accompanied by a marked increase in my God-reliance.  

So what do you think of my antidote to parenting pride? I'm pretty sure I have a few more doses to take before it's all done, and I'm ready!

END OF YOUR ROPE=BEGINNING OF HOPE!

From Susan:

On whom are you depending?

I chuckle each time I remember that audacious prayer uttered with a mixture of sincerity and fear at 30,000 feet over the Atlantic Ocean that May, after meeting the three 'other sisters' (Masha-14, Lana-10, Ksusha-7) of our first two adopted kids, Anya and Alex--  "Lord, I promise if You show me your will, I will obey you, but ALL the problems (like having money for education, giving each of them all they need) will be YOURS, not mine!"

You see, we already had 7 kids, and I felt like I was barely making it with all the homework, sports, music and art lessons, social activities, and intentional nurturing.  Yet we had just discovered (in answer to Alex's prayers - but that's another story!) the whereabouts and newly orphaned status of the other three sisters.  Now, in my world view, sisters of my children are also my children.  Yet, this was not so.  Should they be?  Would they be?

As I look back on that prayer, I realize that my mindset was often one of slipping into depending on myself.  Like the verse from Isaiah 36:5, "On whom are you depending?" Maybe Susan Hillis could provide the needed mothering for 7 kids, but oh my ....  if there were 10, God would have to provide all the nurturing and protection and provision and wisdom and love through me that they needed from me!  Honestly, that was ridiculous!  I still wonder if the reason I ended up with 10 kids is that it took that many for me to learn to depend on God more than on myself.  And I tell you, I would not change A THING!  He has been exceedingly faithful in ways as big as providing a private anonymous donor who paid half of the school fees for all our kids to be in a private Christian school, to as small as having a dear friend from work surprise us by knocking on the door with a huge pot of steamy soup on that winter night when, at 6:30 PM, I realized that Brian and I had both totally forgotten to fix supper and we were all starvingly hungry! 

One thing is necessary

This past week I have had wonderful reminders in my early morning times with the Lord about the glorious Joy and Hope that comes from trusting in the Lord for the big and little things of life....I just have to share this list!

• "One thing is necessary" is how Jesus describes Mary's decision to "sit at the Lord's feet and listen" to Him speak!(Luke 7)  I find when I do this, the Lord often shows me to do less and trust Him to do more.  In other words, to focus on loving over controlling, on caring over curing, as Henry Nouwen so persuasively writes in his essay, "Out of Solitude." 

• As parents we often get to the end of our ropes when faced with sickness or emotional scars in our children.  In Luke 8, Jesus tells the parents of a sick teenager, "Do not fear; only believe and she will be well."  Then Jesus himself speaks to the ailing girl and says, "Child arise."  The next part I love- "And her parents were amazed."  Over and over and over, I find Jesus just amazes me with what He does for my children.  He has been so repeatedly faithful that I am shifting in my expectations when faced with impossible circumstances.  Instead of wondering about how horrible the problem may become, I am beginning to wonder about how marvelous and story-book-like God's provision will be!

• Or one other example--what comes next in Luke 9....for a boy who has horrible spiritual or emotional problems, the parents have no part in his recovery other than to talk to Jesus about him.  Jesus then "rebuked the unclean spirit and healed the boy and gave him back to his father."  I just love this notion of Jesus releasing from my children that very person He created them to be, regardless of how much baggage there is inside.  Often we must wait.  Often in the Scriptures problems went on for years before there was reversal and recovery.  Like the man who sat by that pool for 38 years.  Or the boy born blind from birth.  Or the women who bled for 12 years.  Or Lazarus, who was dead for 4 days before Jesus arrives on the scene.  There are some of our kids who we have prayed over for years.  We are at the point of seeing all of them walking towards becoming who they were intended to be in Christ!  WAIT FOR IT, dear one.  Do not fear!!!  Hope in God!

When the end of our rope is the beginning of our hope!

Finally, dear friends, I invite you to read and reflect on Nehemiah chapter 4!  It is chock-full of what we need!  First there is this realization in verse 6 - they can get half way to their goal of restoration by their own determination - but that's as far as it gets.  They realize in verse 10:  "By ourselves we will not be able to rebuild the wall~!"  Then the reminder, "Do not be afraid...remember the Lord who is great and awesome,"  But the amplified says this, "BE IMPRINTED ONTO GOD!"  In other words, I must, like that little hatchling duck who sees its mama and knows it is a duck and acts like a duck, see my Lord and realize I am created to act like I am His daughter!  From that place of seeing Him and following Him, I am given courage to fight for my family and my home!  MEDITATE on this and it will be soooo encouraging!!! 

And finally, as the believers realize they are separated and far from each other in this challenge of rebuilding ruins, the trumpet sounds and they all come together to see "Our God will fight for us!"  So the end of their rope....when they are unable to rebuild...becomes the beginning of their hope - because the Almighty God is the one who fights for them.  There is just something mysteriously and supernaturally powerful when we come together to worship our Lord and seek Him, for ourselves and for our children.  I am excited about doing this with many of you moms and dads at our Atlanta church the upcoming HOPE AT HOME 2012 Conference on my birthday, (October 6!)-- and later at Created for Care with moms in February and March!! Until then, I invite you to see the end of your rope as the beginning of your hope! And may we all be amazed at the tender care of our heavenly Father for us and for our children. 

To register and for more information about

 Hope at Home 2012 Conference

October 5-6 in Atlanta, GA

click HERE.

PARENTING IN FEAR--IT DOESN'T WORK

I've tried this. I've given a really great effort, backing it up with all the force of motherhood. And I am here to tell you, 

IT DOESN'T WORK

Parenting in Fear 

simply does not work. 

It is 

ineffective

counter-productive.

It
separates
restricts
constricts
cripples.

I find it oddly attractive in it's seeming logic though. You parents know what I mean, don't you? (I'm hoping I'm not out here on my own!) I find it very easy to identify what is wrong, what needs "fixing" in my children. I so want for them to live a life of radical freedom that is their inheritance in Christ. A behavior pattern or personality trait makes itself blatantly evident and boy, am I quick to see the end result in my mind. It doesn't take me long at all to see this weakness, or that sin, or the other brokenness played out over the years. I am embarrassed to say how quickly I can go to the worst-case scenario-- I mean broken relationships, failure, jail.... 
It's Horrible!

And when I have allowed myself to go there in my mind, I find fear is the motivating force behind my response to my child. Fear of what will happen if I don't help them now, fear for their future and fear for our present, fear of being out of control as a parent. 
Not Good! 

Have you ever noticed that there is 
No Future in 
Fear?
But that LOVE
always sees a
Future?

This is what John says about it:

There is no fear in love [dread does not exist], but full-grown (complete, perfect) love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror! For fear brings with it the thought of punishment, and so he who is afraid has not reached the full maturity of love [is not yet grown into love’s complete perfection]. (AMP)

 God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we're free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ's. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love. (MSG)
1 John 4:18

When I am aware of God's love, 
that HE IS LOVE
 for me and to me, 
for my child and to my child,
then I parent differently. 
I don't parent in dread of what 
will happen in the future.

Parenting in and from Fear 
causes me to be harsh.
Parenting in and from Love 
frees me to draw close to my beloved child
 to see and release Hope,
 to call forth the Treasure.

What does "fully formed" love look like in our homes I wonder? From my experience in giving in to fear, and yielding to love as a parent, there are a few things I have discovered. 
Love places the highest value on relationship.
It is firm, but never harsh.
It seeks and calls forth identity and destiny.
It results in more freedom in and for me
and in and for my child.

May LOVE have the run of my house and yours, and may LOVE become at home and mature in us!

Friends, Register for HOPE AT HOME 2012, October 5-6 in Atlanta by August 15 and enjoy the Early Bird Registration Rate.
We would so love to get to know you and enjoy the Freeing Love of God together! 

AFTER ADOPTION: HOPE AT HOME

 Click HERE for details and to Register for HOPE AT HOME 2012 Conference for Adoptive and Foster Parents!

From Susan Hillis:

Susan and Brian in the early days 
of their adoption journey

I was desperate. Fifteen years ago I was desperate to find someone who had walked through years of parenting children who were deeply scarred by their painful past. I'm talking about children who have been seriously abused in some of the worst imaginable ways.  I wanted to find several experienced believing parents who could speak to what helped them as parents to walk their children forward into healing and wholeness, after the adoption was final. Isn't it ironic that we describe our adoptions as 'final' when in fact they are only beginning? I certainly felt like a beginner, navigating relatively unchartered territory without help from others who had learned invaluable lessons from years of real experience with real children in real families. So, now, with our ten kids ages 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 23, 25, 26, and 27 years old, I finally have a little time to think about how I may be able to share with you, dear reader, what I was desperate for those many years ago. I would love to hear back whether any of you find you connect with these ideas!!!!!

Are You Crazy?

So my first lesson is this:  don't be crazy.  In other words, don't depend on your own efforts to become an expert in painful pasts and positive parenting to bring healing and wholeness.  Oh, instincts and positive parenting are good, but they are secondary, not primary.  What is primary is receiving from the Lord's life in and with and through us, what we need daily, that daily bread, to love the children with whom we are entrusted.  As we read in the Message translation,

"Something crazy has happened...Let me put this question to you:  How did your new life [as an adoptive family] begin?  Was it by working your heads off to please God?  Or was in by responding to God's Message to you?  Are you going to continue this craziness?  For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God.  If you weren't smart enough or strong enough to begin it, how do you suppose you could perfect it?....Answer this question: Does the God who lavishly provides you with his own presence, His Holy Spirit, working things in your lives you could never do for yourselves, does he do these things because of your strenuous moral striving or because you trust  him to do them in you?...anyone who tries to live by his own effort, independent of God, is doomed to failure [aside:  I have tried this and it doesn't work!]...The person who lives in right relationship with God does it by embracing what God arranges for him.  Doing things for God is the opposite of entering into what God does for you."  (Gal 3:1-6).  

In other words, it's not my job to fix them;  it is simply my job to trust in the Lord's love and wisdom and revelation in and through me and Brian, and many others in our church and school communities, to give our children what God intends to give them through us.  This is unspeakably freeing, as I do not take responsibilities of heavy burdens on my shoulders that are not mine to carry.  I stop being crazy.  I stop thinking that I can learn how to lift a crushing load off of an injured heart single-handedly, by studying how it's done!  Oh, I'm all for studying and learning, but my primary hope is not in my becoming proficient.

Primary and Secondary

What is primary, I have learned, is my own vital personal walk with the Lord.  Out of that intimacy between the two of us, I receive the help and hope and acceptance and forgiveness and wisdom I need for His call on my life.  It is as though He is often rechanneling my thinking (Rom 12:1), when I find myself discouraged and disappointed.  Rather than dwelling on the afflictions, we can chose to dwell on the testimonies of what is good and true and worthy of praise (Phil 4:6-9).  In this regard, I am so touched by Psalm 119 in the ESV -- there are 20 verses that describe "testimonies" and only 5 that describe "afflictions." [Because I love math I just have to point out that this is 4 to 1 odds!! and because I love the Scriptures I have to dare you to count for yourself and to meditate on these verses!]  

From this I see that the testimonies, in our Lord, are intended to outnumber our afflictions.

 I think of testimonies as fresh applications of eternal truths regarding the character of God in the life of the believer today.  And we all know all too well that afflictions are serious and often seemingly insurmountable personal problems. Generally speaking, I have found over the years that when my walk with the Lord is primary, and my focus on learning all I can about excellent parenting is secondary, it is much more natural for me to love my children who are in hard places with freedom and hope, rather than to worry over them with fear and despair. When fear and despair are bigger in my experience, it is then that I call in my soul-tender friends to pray and help.

Hope at Home

I will close this post by passing along the news that

registration is now open for the Hope at Home 2012 Conference 

which will take place the week end of my birthday (how cool is that!), October 5-6, at Northlands Church, Atlanta, GA. Click on the link for more information and to register. Check out our speakers and breakouts-- we are so excited about what God is putting together for us all! 

If you find yourself connecting at all with what is written in this post, then that conference may be a place you can find the refreshment and encouragement to continue forward in great hope for the family in which the Lord has placed you as a leader, to parent them in His love and His strength and His wisdom and His revelation. I cannot begin to tell you the freedom I have found as I have let go of many burdens that were just crazy for me to be carrying!  

May the Lord bless you and your family, and may you find today that your testimonies outnumber your afflictions!

PARENTING THE ADOPTED CHILD DIFFERENTLY?

Parenting Differently

In the adoption community we talk a lot about the need to parent the adopted or foster child differently. Over the 12 years since our first adoption I have honestly gone back and forth over this question. With three children by birth and four by adoption Stephen and I have certainly had the opportunity to think this through in real life experience. Today I'd like to share with you why I have come to the conclusion that actually there is no difference between parenting the adopted and biological child. So, let me explain!


I say there is no difference in parenting our children because it is clear to me that each and every child-- adopted, foster, or biological-- needs to be parented differently. If all we had was conventional wisdom to fall back on, then this question of treating our adopted child differently would be appropriate; however, we have more than just wisdom. As believers in the Living God who gives us the Spirit of Wisdom and Revelation (Ephesians 1:17), you and I have the incredible freedom and power to live our lives as parents according to the Spirit. We make parenting decisions based on what God is saying by revelation. So, when we parent in the Spirit, that is by revelation, the issue is not do we parent a child differently because she is adopted, but rather we parent each child differently because we can! What freedom! What privilege! What hope!


Stagnant Parenting

The word revelation may seem too spiritual to be practical for some parents. It really is not anything more than God disclosing something to us, especially something that was not previously known or realized. Our God is all about revelation for He is a self-revealing God! Remember what Jesus says to us, "The sheep that are My own hear and are listening to My voice; and I know them, and they follow Me." (John 10:27) It is normal for us to hear God speak to us, and not something reserved for those parents who are "really spiritual." As Susan pointed out in her last post, "I am coming to think of revelation as present fresh truth brought to light, to extend the wisdom of past foundational truth." That is, conventional wisdom will bring some benefit, but without revelation we become stagnant in our parenting, relying on wisdom and revelation from past situations. What works for one child very well may not be the effective approach we are needing for another. Revelation in our parenting, that is simply hearing what God is saying now, or what Dutch Sheets describes as "a current strategy for a current situation," results in Powerful Parenting. 


Powerful Parenting

Don't confuse control with power! Our efforts to control our children inevitably end in frustration and often anger and disappointment on both sides. (I make this statement from experience, having given control a good try!) However, when we respond to that nudge from the Holy Spirit even when it seems counter-intuitive, we see the power of God effective in our efforts to train up our children. Stephen and I have found that many times as we've sought God's "parenting advice" about a particular child for a particular situation that His approach does not always match up with our conventional Christian Parenting Wisdom. It is our experience, especially as we've loved our children through their teen years, that it is not possible for us to parent in power without revelation from God. 


Let me share a few examples of parenting differently, or what we call parenting in the spirit.


The Runaways

When our precious daughter Rachel was quite young she became fed-up with the way things were going in the Templeton household. None of us remember what the issue was actually, but whatever it was Rachel was "out of here!" She took those chubby little legs of hers right up the stairs, packed her little suitcase 

and marched out the door. It must have been a weekend because Stephen was home-- I went into mommy-mode, heedless of any 'parenting in revelation' stuff! "Stephen, go get her! She is actually walking down the driveway-- Go!" His response to me was absolutely not according the my very good wisdom, which was and remains, never let a little girl wander down the street by herself. Stephen caught something by revelation for that current situation. He felt that we needed to let Rachel go ahead and feel some of the consequences of leaving her family and her home. Of course, he did not let her out of his sight, but as far as she knew, she was indeed on her own. She tramped up the side walk and Stephen backed out the car, slowly following her. Needless to say, the effort of lugging that suitcase up the street helped our sweet girl to realize that maybe she would stick with us a little longer after all. And sure enough, there was her daddy, who'd been there all along, ready to put her in the car and reunite her with her problem parents. 


Some years later we had a replay of this scenario with our precious son Pasha. I told this story in previous post, but I'd like to share it again because it illustrates this point of parenting by revelation, not merely by past wisdom. As you will see, what was effective for Rachel was not what was going to effective for Pasha. How tempting it is to take something that was powerful and clearly from God and assume it is therefore going to remain powerful for all other situations.

So, not long after bringing our first two Russian children home, we were enjoying a typical day in our "new normal" of post adoption when Pasha asked if he could watch a movie. This request was common-- really common! When I answered "No, not now my son," (my "really common" response!) our son was devastated. We had begun to see that disappointment was a trigger for this child and that his response to it was often extreme, far out of context for the normal disappointment that every child feels when he doesn't get his way. This time he declared in his broken English that he was not going to live here anymore. He preferred the orphanage and was leaving, never to return. I am still full of thanks to the Holy Spirit for the whisper of His voice at that moment. "My son, mommies don't leave their children, so if you are going to run away, I will have to run away with you." He looked up at me in anger and stormed out the door. Following him, both of us barefoot in the heat of the Atlanta summer, I said, "I wonder where we will sleep tonight?" "On the side of the road," was his response. "Wow, that will be uncomfortable, but mommies always stay with their children." (Just like the "Runaway Bunny," this mama was going where her son went!) Our conversation continued like this about a quarter of a mile. And then, our precious son said, "Let's go home," all of his anger and pain drained. 


I tell you this because it is clear to me that God's answer to this typical but serious issue was one that brought life, healing, hope. This was His answer for this particular situation. It was specific for this child and that need, and was accessed by revelation. 


I know this is getting rather long, but I'll share one more short example from more recent times. Just a few months ago Stephen and I were praying about a situation with one of our sons and we felt the Lord direct us to "parent him like a man." I won't go into the details, but that revelation from Him helped us make some decisions with clarity. That same week Susan Hillis shared with me that the Lord had just told her that she must parent her daughter as if she were three years old.


The Joy of Hearing

The Lord led us to handle the two run-away scenarios in distinctly different ways, but not because Rachel was born into our family and Pasha was adopted in. We parented differently because we have the amazing joy of hearing our Shepherd's voice and responding to the very One who created our children and who knows them best. Susan could deal with her daughter in the way that was most effective and life-giving, while I could approach my son from a completely different angle according to what would bring forth the eternal fruit of righteousness in him.


I will end this post by encouraging you again-- hearing the voice of God for our children, adopted and biological, is the norm for us as children of God. It is not something super-spiritual or mysterious. What wonderful plans God has for our children-- and as His sheep we can be confident that we do hear His voice.

PARENTING IN GRACE: IDENTITY

Defined by Behavior?

You will find that we speak a lot about identity in this blog. Stephen wrote a post about it in March (you can read it here) and I’d like to continue the thought. One of the most important roles we have as parents is to recognize and call forth our children’s identities. Now, it takes no effort at all to do this if we define an individual’s identity by his or her behavior. If our child lies repeatedly, then we may decide she is a liar. Or if we have a child who is filled with anger and angry outbursts, then we identify him as a child with anger issues. There is a certain logic to this approach, and it certainly yields some benefits as we seek to parent our children well. None of us want our adopted child to remain defined by their behaviors learned in an orphanage! So we patiently (or not!) focus our attention on these behaviors in the desire to set them free.

"Parenting Backward"

Stephen and I have found that parenting with our focus on the negative behavior is limited in its success, however. I see it as “Parenting Backward” in a way. I mean by this that when I focus on my child’s anger, for instance, I become so easily absorbed and enmeshed in the issue of her anger, how it originated in her past, and the depth of the problem, that I find myself struggling with feelings of anger myself, along with anxiety, frustration, and even hopelessness. Being clever, I realize pretty quickly that the problem is far too great for my parenting skills! The pain, lack, neglect, abuse and rejection our adopted children have experienced is far beyond my own experience and understanding.

"Parenting Forward"

Over the years we have become increasingly focused on our children’s identity in Christ and have learned to “Parent Forward” so to speak. Our goal is the same—to bring our children into freedom from the coping behaviors that were born out of distrust, pain and the need to survive. With this approach of “Parenting Forward” however, we identify the problem (never too hard to figure that out!), we acknowledge the connection to the past in our own minds and occasionally with our child, and then we begin to speak aloud to ourselves and to our child his identity in Christ. We call forth his righteousness in Christ and parent into his future, rather than parenting into the issues of his past. In other words, we choose to make decisions regarding our child based on what God has to say, rather than on the sometimes compelling evidence of their behavior. We are careful to speak these truths publicly (even if it is just at the dinner table) and often. As our children have gotten older we have found that texts, emails, facebook messages, letters left on their pillows, etc. are also good ways to "call forth." 
For instance, we believe that one of our sons has a strong leadership gifting, but we often see him waiting to be led and in a place of passivity. Stephen and I have encouraged and even at times required him to take leadership roles as we work at parenting him according to his identity in Christ. When he has failed, we work it through, allowing him to face the consequences, and then try again. This has been a long process with some painful times and mistakes on our part, but one that is now bearing clear and recognizable fruit in his life. 

Focus and Answers

This approach is not always easy. It is counter intuitive for most of us not to place our full focus on a problem in order to solve it. Many of us have even been trained to do exactly that—looking intently at the problem in order to find the solution. But I believe in the Lord there is a better way! As we look intently at our beautiful savior and focus on His words about our child, we will find the true answers to the complicated and difficult issues our adopted children face. Paul did this when he addressed the issue of blatant sin in his letter to the Corinthians (1Corinthians 6). In the midst of dealing with their sin Paul says, “…do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you?....” Do you see how Paul declared to them their identity in Christ here? He did not say, “do you not know that you are sinful fornicators?”, but rather he called out that which was good and true, reminding them of their identity and pointing them to the future, not the past.

Transfixed by the Problem

This Parenting Forward can only be done as we parents set our thoughts and affections on Jesus. I don’t know about you, but I find it quite difficult to do at times. Have you ever been in a situation where you find yourself drawn to look at something you really don’t want to look at and you know you should wrest your eyes away, but you just can’t? I remember when I was in elementary school our family was in a pretty bad car wreck with a hook and ladder fire engine. In the end we were all fine, however my youngest sister had gotten pretty beaten up. I’ll never forget hearing my mother call out, “ Don’t look at Pammy. Don’t look at Pammy.” (She was covered in blood at that point and my mother wanted to protect us from fear and terror.) Well, you know where this is going! Of course, I couldn’t help it—my eyes were drawn as if by a huge magnetic pull to her. I have recently realized that that is exactly the way I am sometimes with my children. I become aware of a behavior that needs our attention, a gaping wound not unlike my sister’s in a way, and find myself transfixed by it and it’s connection with such a complicated past, as well as my inability to “fix” the problem, and I think to myself, “You’ve got to tear your eyes away from this. It is not helping to gaze steadfastly at this problem. Rather, it is producing fear, anxiety and even emotional distance from this precious child.” I sometimes find it so difficult not to dwell on the problem. I know enough about our amazing God to know that when I pull my eyes away from the problem and intently look to Him, that anxiety falls away with ease, solutions come, my heart is warmed again to my child as I catch again some of God’s thoughts about him or her. I am able to Parent Forward into the beautiful, freeing and whole person.

Transfixed by the Answer

Our faith cannot be in our parenting nor can it be in our child. Our faith must be in Christ alone. I have found that when I mistakenly put my faith in my child to behave a certain way, to display a certain amount of progress and healing, then I open myself to be blindsided by disappointment, frustration and even anger. All of these emotions lead quickly to anxiety and emotional distance. However, when I place my faith in Jesus, in what He has called us to and what He has declared over our family-- in essence, when I become transfixed by Jesus, the answer-- then I can remain standing, even when the storms rage around me.