An Adopted Child's Perspective on Adoption: Kristina (Part I)

We wanted to share some of the stories of adoption from the point of view of the children, both biological and adopted. It has been fascinating and faith-building to hear them tell their own stories of life from their perspective. The fourth in this series is from our precious Kristina, now a 20 year old college sophomore who is spending her spring semester studying abroad in St. Petersburg, Russia, as a Russian Studies and Environmental Studies major.

KRISTINA’S STORY

I taught myself not to feel

As I look back eleven years ago when I made one of the most important decisions of my life, I rejoice that I do not regret making that decision for one minute. I have to admit that I do not really remember my feelings and thoughts at that moment. One might think that I should remember how I felt during such an important time in my life. People remember how they felt when they said “I do” at their wedding ceremony or how they felt when they gave birth to their first precious child. For me, however, remembering my feelings and thoughts is not something that comes naturally. Partly it might be that a child at the age of nine does not have the capacity to recall the overwhelming emotions, thoughts and changes that were occurring to her. However it just might be that I simply taught myself not to feel. How and why would a little girl do such a thing to herself, one might ask? Unless you know how it feels to be both a grown up and a parent at age seven, then the idea of a little girl learning not to feel might be incomprehensible. Looking at my life today, it is hard to believe the things that I have lived through. I myself have a hard time believing that in fact I, Kristina Rebekah Templeton, was able to survive my childhood. By now you are probably dying with anticipation to know what happened to this little Kristina. What was so tragic that the poor girl learned to not feel?

Being adopted is a blessing from God

I receive two types of reactions from people that find out I am adopted; one reaction, “Oh that’s cool” and moves on afraid to ask further questions for fear of hurting me or touching upon such a sensitive subject. The other type of person gets so intrigued and asks questions like, “Oh how did it feel being adopted? What was your life like before you were adopted?” and so on. From my point of view people should never feel awkward or fearful in asking such questions. It’s not like being adopted is some kind of crime or bad thing that I committed or happened to me. Being adopted is a blessing from God that he cared so much about you that he gave you a better life.

There were a few happy moments in my life

I was born into a middle class family in Pushnoe, a little village in northern Russia. This village was so small that I could walk around the center of town in fifteen minutes or less. Hardly anyone owned a car; there was one public bus that served as transportation into the city. There was one elementary, middle and high school in the town, as well as a few produce shops, apartment buildings, a coal-mining factory, a mail house, and a gathering building. The things that I remember of my childhood are those that made the most impact on me as a child. There were a few happy moments in my life. My mother, father and my infant brother, Pasha, lived in a three-room apartment. The two things that I remember about my father are his injured leg, from which metal rods protruded, and that he was a kind man.  I remember beautiful summer days when my friends and I would walk to a nearby sea to swim and pick blueberries and strawberries. I remember my first day of school, dressed up in the traditional new fancy pink dress carrying an enormous bouquet of flowers to the teacher. The joy of starting school, getting school supplies, and meeting new friends made my life happy, but only for a short time. 

Kristina and Pasha in front of the school in
Pushnoe in 2006.

Kristina's flat was in this building in Pushnoe. She and Pasha
lived here until they were taken to the orphanage.

Survival became my life’s purpose

Unfortunately the rest of my memories are almost too unfortunate to recall. Sometime before first grade my father was killed right in front of my own eyes. I stood behind a door, helpless, watching as some man was beating up my father. As soon as I got enough sense I ran home in order to find help, but I was too late. By the time rescue came, he was already dead. The killer ran away, never to be found or punished for the crimes he committed.  From that day on, everything in my life changed; survival became my life’s purpose. I learned that survival is easier if I did not process the traumatic things that I experienced. My life to that point taught me a strong lesson that if I opened myself up to the feeling of happiness, then sooner or later I must feel sadness, loneliness and hunger. So for me it was better just to just not feel anything at all.  Without my father, my mother became a prostitute in order to support her family. Many days I would have to go and beg for some flour or bread from our neighbors or pick berries so we could eat. Many nights I would have to sleep all alone in the house, protecting my little brother. For days my mother would not come home. From time to time she would bring money home, and I would be the protector of that money. She relied on me to be the parent, not only of my little brother, but also of her. But somehow we survived many hard days. And thankfully this is not the life that God had for me and my hardships were short lived.  Even though my mother scarred my life, I cannot help but forgive her because in the end she cared about her children enough that she made money the only way she knew she could. However, one surprising day two women came to our house and took my brother and me away to an orphanage in Vyborg, Russia,  where we were to reside until November 15, 2000.

Kristina (far right) and Pasha (2nd on left) in hospital
in preparation for adoption.

Kristina and brother Pasha, ages 9 and 5, a few months
before adoption.

I was not so sure what was happening to me

On that special day happiness was once again restored in my life. I was adopted into a new family. An American family from Atlanta, Georgia, traveled all the way to Russia in hopes of finding a little girl to adopt, not knowing that they were going to adopt a little girl and her little brother. I remember when my current mom and her friend, Susan Hillis, came to see me at the orphanage and how after that day everyone started treating me so well and giving me attention. By God’s amazing planning I met an American missionary, Judy Grout, who lived in Vyborg and who began to come to the orphanage and begin to give us English lessons. It was so fun having her come and somewhat prepare me for my new life, even though at that time I was not so sure what was happening to me. It was all a dream. Every child dreams of being adopted into a picture perfect family not realizing that there would be hard times in adjusting. All they dream of are nice toys, clothes, room, good food to eat, parents who are nice and even some brothers and sisters to play with. They never imagine that the parents will discipline them and tell them when to go to sleep, or to brush their teeth and do their homework. In the orphanage there are people who watch over you, but all in all you don’t really have to listen to them because they are of no relation to you. 

Spring of 1999, a year and a half before Kristina and
Pasha came home. I met them for the first time on
Pasha's 5th birthday! 

Judy Grout teaching English to Kristina (standing on left)
and her friends. The girl in the pink vest, Olya, has died,
Natasha has a baby boy. Ruslan, on the right, has been
adopted by a family in Sweden. Kristina stays in close
touch with both of them.

Stay tuned for Part II. Kristina will share more about her transition into our family and American culture, give some advice to adoptive parents, and share with us what God said to her when she asked Him why so many bad things happened to her.

Part II: Connection Versus Correction?

Connection or Correction? Part II

I have been carrying around in my brain ideas for this 'Part II' and am finally getting it into the computer! We left off Part I with the question 'So how do we connect to our children?' As I've thought about this in my own life I realize it is so easy to think more about connecting with my children than about connecting with my amazing husband (as one of my high school sons readily remarked recently "Daddy, mommy is so lucky to have you! You are so good to her -- she really doesn't deserve you!" Then he added, "my girlfriend doesn't deserve me either!" And the three of us had a jolly good laugh!) I also had the chance to reflect on this topic while reading 'His Needs, Her Needs' (probably the best book on marriage I have ever read) while coming back from Kazkhstan on the plane last week (I have even some amazing stories from that trip...to come later!) So this post will cover both connections!!

Connecting with Your Husband

I was reminded last week at a bridal luncheon of how important it is to connect to your husband...here is the advice shared as we went around the table:
- Laugh with each other, especially when the GPS breaks and you're running late;
- It's not breakfast unless there is bacon;
- Find ways to honor him publicly; be his biggest fan and always believe in him;
- Pray together, especially when the world is ending and the chocolate is gone;
- Know and wear his favorite color.
- Complement him in many ways and situations; he wants to be your superman!
- Always look for new ways to enjoy each other, including new hobbies and interests.
- Show interest in his work and enthusiasms, even if yours differ;
- Always make your husband the priority, even when children come;
- Make time for fun; don't let stress of daily life take over; be spontaneous!!!
- Live by Truth, not facts. Respond to who He is in Christ, not to his faults;
- Pick your arguments; some aren't worth it. Compromise;
- Soak in His presence often;
- Build intentional friendships with those who celebrate you;
- Love his mom intentionally;
- Encourage him often--even when you want to cry. This diffuses plans of the enemy;
- Give yourself time to get ready for dates, sleep in pretty things;
- Have a secret place where only you and he can be in mind, body, and spirit.
- Have 10 second hugs in the middle of an argument; it will always end in laughter;
- Find his passion and fuel yourself behind it;
- Continue to refine your marriage; you are the bride of your husband AND of Christ.
- Keep extra room in your purse for his wallet and keys. Greet him at the door.
- Just as our heavenly Father forgives and forgets, we need to forgive and FORGET!
- Submission means seeing others' needs more important than your own.
- Show interest in the activities of his daily life, big and small.

Connecting with your Children

While the hubby connections came from friends, all these kid connections came from Karyn Purvis' "Empowered to Connect" conference:
- Be in tune with who your child is, how God made him, his gifts and purpose;
- Use safe touch, such as high 5s, hugs, pats on the back, tickling;
- Give undivided attention to them;
- Value eye contact;
- Focus on having 'smiling eyes;'
- Engage them playfully, either in sports, board games, other games;
- Use nurturing play;
- Use a warm voice tone;
- Laugh together often.

In addition, a critical part of empowering them to become the person the Lord made them to be is being sure they have enough physical activity, including jumping/sports as well as many forms of fine motor activity. Remember that sad children may look angry and scared children may even look crazy. We can love them best by focusing more on responding to their needs more than to their behavior.

May the Lord encourage us all as we continue to see Him transform us and our families. He will complete the good work He has started in us! Hope to see some of you at the Louisville Summit!

PARENTING IN THE DARK

HE REVEALS DEEP AND HIDDEN THINGS

One of the things I have learned to love and appreciate about the Lord is that He is so good at shedding light into dark places. Stephen and I have learned to rely on Him to do this many, many times, especially as we have gone through the process of parenting our adopted children. How we do we gain access to places in our child’s heart and emotions that are hidden in darkness?

“He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him.” (Daniel 2:22)       

Now this is good news to an adoptive parent. We often do not know what is going on behind a certain behavior or response, but our God does know. And not only that, because there is no darkness in Him, wherever He goes, Light goes as well.

I remember one of our first encounters with this wonderful truth. Stephen and I were pulling up into our driveway. We had been praying in the car for our children, specifically that God would not allow anything to be hidden in darkness. And as I stepped up to the back door I sensed the Lord say, “Check the computer.” Now, that seemed like a random thought at the time. We thought that we had good rules in place regarding computer use, but had not yet realized the extreme importance of being completely involved in our children’s activity on the computer. I cannot tell you how thankful we were that God shed His light there. Light exposed and freedom was the result. 

“I have come as a Light into the world, so that whoever believes in Me may not continue to live in darkness.” (John 12:46)

I love the Lord for many reasons, but one of them is definitely His kindness. When He sheds a light, it is not the harsh light of shame, accusation, and ridicule. This is no bright spot light that causes eyes to squint and hands to spring up, tightly covering the face. No. When His light shines into darkness, it is the inviting, beautiful light that causes one to look up and to move forward, closer to the source. It is a warm light -- at the risk of sounding corny, I think of it like the light on the beach in the early evening, just before the sun sets.

“He uncovers deep things out of darkness and brings into light black gloom and the shadow of death.” (Job 12:22)

Our adopted children, no matter the age they come home to us, have places in their hearts, in their spirits, in their emotions, that desperately need to be uncovered. Without the beauty and power of the Light of the World, Jesus, we might be frightened or overwhelmed to see what is there. Or possibly you have felt as I have sometimes--quick push that back into the dark and shut the door tight! But how wonderful that we have simply to ask God, and He will be faithful to shed His light at the right time. I think of it as the ultimate parenting tool!

“And I will bring the blind by a way that they know not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known. I will make darkness into light before them and make uneven places into a plain. These things I have determined to do [for them]; and I will not leave them forsaken.” (Isaiah 42:16)

I encourage you to pray often that nothing remain hidden, covered in darkness. And then keep your ears open! Often God will answer in a simple prompting or just a sense you have in your spirit. He will lead you down the paths into your child’s heart and bring His powerful and freeing light. God has determined to do this for you and for your child; it only takes our agreement to live it.

Stephen and I have seen the Lord do this many times over. We still pray this prayer as we walk with our children into the glorious light of their healing and wholeness. 

A Biological Child's Perspective on Adoption: Emma

We wanted to share some of the stories of adoption from the point of view of the children, both biological and adopted. It has been fascinating and faith-building to hear them tell their own stories of life from their perspective. The third in this series is from our eldest, Emma, who is a lovely and amazing young woman soon to graduate from college.




Emma's Story
I could not wait to travel to Russia

Emma, Rachel and Julia
before adoptions

When my parents first talked to my sisters and me about adopting, it came out of nowhere. As a 12 year old I had never even thought about adoption, positively or negatively, in my entire life. But as soon as I took a moment to consider the possibility, I was ecstatic about opening our family to two new members. I also could not wait to travel to Russia and learn the language and culture. Of course there were many cultural differences; I remember ordering spaghetti with marinara sauce at a restaurant and getting a plate of pasta with a gravy boat full of ketchup next to it. 

Andrei, Emma and Sergei in the
children's home

The driver asked if we could pick up a little boy                                                               One of my favorite memories of going to Russia for the first time was meeting my future brothers, Andrei and Sergei. On our way to the orphanage to meet Kristina and Pasha, our driver asked if we could stop at a foster home to pick up a little boy who was being sent to the orphanage to be with his older brother. Though we were distraught at the idea of taking two children away from the orphanage only to bring another, we of course said yes. This little boy was my brother Sergei. When we arrived and were ushered into a small room with tea and cookies, Andrei was already there, waiting to see his brother. As soon as they laid eyes on each other, I could feel the joy and relief they felt. For the remainder of our visit, they did not stop hugging or smiling.

And then they were 5

Retaining some stability was important to me                                                                        Once we all returned home, I started to get to know my new siblings better. Pasha and I watched The Lion King together over and over, always returning to the stampede, his favorite scene. He would sprint around our house on all fours like a lion until he broke his leg after falling off his bike. Then he just ran around on three legs, with his broken cast lifted in the air. Kristina and I shared a room and bonded over her incredibly loud and annoying gerbil named Mary. No matter how many times she woke us up scratching at her cage during the night, Mary remained a permanent fixture in our room. Of course there were hard times, but within weeks I couldn't imagine sitting around our kitchen table for dinner without Kristina and Pasha, and eventually Andrei and Sergei as well. I found it very easy to adjust to my new life; I was and still am the oldest child, and my only concern about adoption was that I would have to give that up. I'm sure I would've grown to love an older sibling as well, but retaining some stability (and the ability to boss people around) was important to me.

Emma and our friend Nicole with
some new Russian
friends.

Seeing the world from a different perspective

Our group in Russia,
2006

Through our adoption, I have grown so much spiritually and intellectually. I am a Political Science major at college now, focusing on international politics, and growing up aware and involved in the world outside my bubble played a huge part in that decision. I think I have become a much more well-rounded and aware person because of traveling to Russia, meeting and getting know people I never would have known, and seeing the world from completely different perspectives than my own.

Emma (standing) with others from
our team ministering in the
orphanage.

 The Amazing Love of Christ
However, seeing the transformation of our kids prompted even greater spiritual growth inside of me. A picture is worth a thousand words as the old cliche says, and one of the most moving pictures I have ever seen is my sister Kristina's first passport picture.

Our Kristina's passport
photo

 She and my parents went to some sort of embassy in Moscow to obtain her Russian passport so she could travel to the US with us and become a part of our family. That picture shows a girl with haunted, empty eyes and a blank expression. She looks so lost and hollow. But through the love of my parents, my siblings, and most of all the Lord she came to know so well, Kristina's smile has become one of the largest and brightest I have ever seen. She laughs with her entire body, and her eyes sparkle with the knowledge that Jesus loves her and has adopted her into his family forever. Her transformation is the clearest picture of the amazing love of Christ I have ever seen, and I am so happy to have been there to see it happen.

Kristina's senior portrait

Part I: Connection Versus Correction?

Part 1: Connection versus Correction?

I have just returned from a Colorado conference called 'Empowered to Connect,' where I had the huge gift of learning from Dr. Karyn Purvis, Director of the Institute for Child Development at Texas Christian University, from her 12 years of developmental research on the needs and approaches to healing adopted and foster children.  

It was so striking to me to learn that often as parents we have our priorities flipped upside down:  we spend 80% of our time on correction (the red!), 10% on empowerment (meals/school/chores the yellow!), and 10% of connection (the green).  It is like a triangle trying to balance itself on its tip - it just won't work!  The child, like the triangle, just can't stand on a foundation of correction.  All those 'no's and 'stop's' and 'don'ts' just pile on the discouragement and wear down the spirit.

Instead, we need to flip the triangle and exchange the correction for the connection - no matter how impossible their behavior is!  In this model the triangle sits flat on its base, with the green (go!) at the bottom as a huge foundation.  No matter whether they are babies, toddlers, elementary age, teens, or young adults, connection is what is needed.  So...just how can we connect?  More on this in part 2!

Singing In Prison

Singing in Prison When you, Lord, are my home, prison is not disturbing. I can even sing there late into the night because "You have been my dwelling place -- [my home] -- in all generations (Ps 90:1)." This means for my generation and for the generation of my children, biologic, adopted, spiritual. When I am living in You as my home, I feel Your shelter, its comforts and protection and even beautifully inspiring arquitectural design, and I rest in that place under Your shade! "She who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. (Ps 91:1)" Oh my amazing Friend, how refreshing for me to live as a mother of 10 under the shadow of the One who has "all might" -- all power, to do in and for and through and in spite of them-- all I long for but am not equipped to effect. And as I am "holding fast to You in love," You "answer" me for my children and You are "with me" in their trouble (Ps 91:15). This is so supernaturally true and real, that even in the prison of their suffering, my praise to You shakes the foundations of their chains of pain, and miraculously, "everyone's bonds are unfastened." It is, in my experience today, as with Paul and Silas, "about midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God and the prisoners were listening to them and suddenly there was a great earthquake so that the foundations [of pain and lies and hopelessness] of [their] prison were shaken. And immediately all the doors [of healing and truth and hope] were opened and everyone's bonds were unfastened." (Acts 17:25-26). This is our prayer of our Home today Lord, for ourselves and for our children. You are amaaaazing!!! - Submitted by Susan Hillis

An Adopted Child's Foundations

Parenting Children You Don’t Know

            I vividly remember being overwhelmed at the strange reality of parenting children I didn’t know. I had not really anticipated how bizarre it would feel to have a mother’s love, and I mean real love, for a child living in our home who was a virtual stranger. How strange if felt to parent a stranger!

Faulty Foundations

            One of the issues Stephen and I faced early on in the adoptions of our older children was the reality that foundations had already been laid in their lives. And these were foundations laid haphazardly, not by loving parents intentionally building life-long values, rather they were structures formed by a child’s need for survival, by coping skills developed for self-protection, by ways of thinking formed in the chaos of lack. And then there were the giant holes where no foundation had been laid at all. Holes where unconditional love should have been, where tender memories that are the currency of deep relationships should have been, where a strong and stable identity should have been.

Fixing the Issues

        The way this issue of faulty foundations looked “where the rubber meets the road,” (that is, the way it looked in our home) was at first confusing and disturbing for me. I’m the kind of parent who likes to deal with issues right away, and deal with them until they are fixed. That approach has some serious weaknesses I came to find out! When you are loving and parenting a child whose behavior and way of seeing life has been formed by lack, or by orphanage codes of conduct, you are up against far more problems that need fixing than is possible to change in the first months or even years of life together. And remember, we are talking about behaviors that often stem from deep foundational realities.   


Be in This for the Long Haul                                                                                                        One of the things the Lord told me early on after our first adoption was this, “You need to be in this for the long haul.”  This is exactly what I heard Him say. I have come to appreciate this simple word from God over the years because it has freed us to be patient, to believe God for the deep deep foundational work that He is doing in our children's lives, knowing that He is aware of the years passing. Stephen and I came to realize that if we were to address every bad behavior each time it occurred, then our relationship with our children would be almost solely marked by the negative: pointing out what is wrong and requiring change, with very little room for fun and love and approval. 

 A Picture From God                                                                                                                       One day I felt the Lord speak to me about my frustration in having to let some bad behaviors go for the time being. I would love to share with you what He said to me. It gave us such freedom and also released a deeper compassion for our children, even in their worst behaviors. Often God speaks in pictures, and this is how He spoke to me.   

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               He showed me in my mind’s eye a building, but the part I was seeing was the foundations under the building. I saw that there were these taller columns that were clearly full of holes, ragged in places, crooked and weak. And as I examined these I thought, “this isn’t good at all. There is no way these columns will be able to sustain this building for any significant period of time.” Then I realized that amidst the faulty foundations, even right up next to them, were these shorter columns that were in the process of being built. They were clearly well-made, strong, able to take the weight of a large building without strain, however they were not tall enough yet to reach the actual structure. 

What is God Up To?                                                                                                                               I felt the Holy Spirit show me that this was a picture of what He was up to in our children’s lives. The buildings sitting on the weak columns were the lives of our precious adopted children. They could not live good lives on these faulty foundations, but I saw God’s tender mercy and His beautiful love for them in the actual presence of these crooked columns. I realized that if we were to destroy these columns before the new ones we were building got tall enough to reach their lives, until they became something that our children could put the weight of their lives on, then we would, in effect, destroy the child while in the process of destroying the foundations. I became assured in my spirit that these bad foundations would come down in time, but also realized that we mustn’t go in with a parenting wrecking ball.

Yet, He Loves Us So

        I cannot express how freeing this was for us, for me in particular. We needed to allow some things to pass without “fixing” them. This was not poor parenting, but rather very intentional on our part. As I contemplated the picture God showed me, it became clear to me how God has treated me. How, looking back on my life, God never required me to change all that needed changing at once. How there are things I did and thought in the past that I never even knew at the time needed changing, yet He loved me so.

Over the years we have seen the solid, whole foundations replace the weak ones. We have watched as our children have tried out the new foundations, testing them to see if they actually work. Then, on occasion we have watched them try to go back to the familiar old foundations. As those began to crumble under them, causing them all sorts of trouble, they would choose to trust these newer columns, placing the whole of their weight on them and enjoying the security and safety they provide.

May we all "be in this for the long haul," always building strong foundations as we love and parent these precious ones.