HOLDING ON TO GOOD HABITS

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From Susan Hillis:

The unexpected text from a trusted friend left a clear message: "you are totally missing one of your children's biggest needs."  All of us have our insecurities and for me, one of those circumstances that makes me feel insecure is when it seems that others I respect think I am failing as a mom -- which in fact, I and most moms I know, do from time to time, if we are honest!  After I recovered from knee-jerk defensiveness, it became clear to me I needed to talk with my child (and with the Lord) about this.  In fact, I needed to ask my child two questions that used to be included among my habitual practices as a mom. (Keep reading and I will explain the questions soon.)

I Had Let Go of a Good Habit

As I did not grow up in a Christian home, I have spent a lot of my parenting years copying those whom I respect as being excellent parents -- this includes folks I know, books I read, and talks I hear on the radio.  Years ago I heard a dad sharing on some radio talk-show about the two questions he asked each of his kids privately, about once a month:

1) How am I doing as a dad (which I changed to 'MOM!)?  AND
2) What do you need from me that you are not getting?

I have great memories of some the our kids answers....like when one of our sons was 5 and he said:
1) You're doing pretty good as a mom
2) BUT I need some more legos and my monkey (stuffed, not real!) needs a birthday cake!  
So I explained that the question was about character traits not toys, but that I would be happy to help  him love his toy monkey well and we could make a cake for him together, then help eat it!  

On another occasion as our kids were adjusting to sharing me, their mommy, with newly adopted kids, one of our daughters answered like this:
1) Daddy is doing better at being a daddy than you are at being a mommy, because you are so busy with work and the new kids that I don't get much attention.
2) I need for us to spend some regular time together doing something special.
So we decided to go out for a Dairy Queen Blizzard (her favorite) from time to time, as needed.  She would just need to mention the idea to me privately and I would get the message that she needed some time.

Repentance

But as our kids grew up and we got busy with sports, music lessons, college applications for some, studying, and teen social life, I let go of this good habit.  That text I mentioned helped me realize that I could 'repent.'  I could repent, not by groveling in guilt and engaging in deep introspective analysis about my sin, but by thanking the Lord for His love and forgiveness of me, and engaging in the fuller meaning of the New Testament idea of repentance:  to have a change of mind and heart that often is manifested in our attitudes and actions.  So I have been realizing I need the Lord to help me hold on to this good habit.  For this child, and for all of them.  So I had the conversation and asked the two questions, and realized that, once again, the main thing my child needed from me was time and attention and encouragement and understanding.  Basically, they need me to LISTEN to them!  

I recently asked this child the same two questions, after a number of weeks of being intentional in our relationship.  The answers were something like this:
1) You are doing a lot better at being a mom since we talked.
2) I just need you to keep taking initiative in talking with me.

I urge you, dear reader, if you are not already doing so, to ask your kids these questions and see what they say - I would love to hear how it goes!! As a matter of fact, would you share what you hear in the comment section below?

Jesus asked the same question!

I will close with encouraging you to let Jesus ask you His version of my second question.  It is the question that the Lord asks 3 times - twice to a blind man and once to His disciples:  

"What do you want me to do for  you?"  
So I close, dear reader, with this encouragement:  
Ask your children the questions they long to answer, and let our Lord ask you the question you long to answer!